Ya Burnt: Checks, Peloton

Ya Burnt: Checks, Peloton

-So, I was scrolling through
Reddit earlier today and I saw this
really interesting post about migrating tree frogs, and…
[ Sniffs ] Wait. I’m sorry. I could be wrong here,
but I think I smell some smoke, and that could only mean
one thing. It’s time for “Ya Burnt”! [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪ Welcome to the burn zone. We got a lot of topics to sizzle
through and not a lot of time. Over here is the burner. Let’s turn on the gas
and load her up. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hot stuff! First up, checks.
Checks, why do you still exist? No one has used you
since the ’90s. You’re the Stephen Baldwin
of payment methods. Side burn — Stephen Baldwin. -Side burn! -And, hey, funny guy
at the office still writing 2019 on your checks,
it’s 2020 now. The only thing you should be
writing on your checks is, “Get [bleep] Venmo already.” And why do we have to write a
memo on our checks, anyway? I’m sure the guy
paying child support every month appreciates
the reminder. What’s it for? Um, because I slept with
three different Red Lobster hostesses,
and my wife took the kids.” Checks, check this.
Ya burnt. Minivans. Finally, a car that
lets your neighbors know kids have ruined your life. And besides, if my ass is going
to start driving around town in a van, I’m going all in and getting a creepy-as-hell
full-sized van. I’m talking a white
Ford Econoline, the kind of terrifying
nightmare machine that will make the entire
neighborhood dial 9-1 and hover over that other 1
when I pass by their house. Minivans, I’m not sliding
the door on you. I’m slamming it.
Ya burnt! Peloton, quit trying to make
exercising fun. It’s not. It’s bad.
And if you like it, you’re bad. If I wanted strangers to yell
at me while riding a bicycle, I’d just rent a Citi Bike. Also, Peloton, nice work with that terrible
Christmas commercial. You got people talking about
Pelotons the same way Jared had people
talking about Subway. Jared burn. -I’m still proud of him
for losing the weight. -What? Peloton, just like my quads,
ya burnt! Water polo. You know you’re a bad sport when only white people
want to play you. You’re the most popular
white sport since going to Williams-Sonoma. And I if I really wanted
to see loose balls flying around a pool,
I’d go to the 14th Street Y at 3:00 p.m. on a Tuesday
for water aerobics. Want to know how to
make water polo interesting? Use the horses
from regular polo. Can you score a goal on the back
of a drowning thoroughbred? That I’d watch. Water polo, go tread water.
Ya burnt! Diego the Tortoise. This over-100-year-old tortoise
has had so much sex, he’s single-handedly credited
with saving his species from extinction. And now, he is retiring. I’d say you earned it,
buddy, but, hey, you know what they say —
it ain’t work if you enjoy it, which is why you are this week’s
Unburnable, Diego. Ascend to safety
and enjoy your golden years. Long movies. Long movies,
can we move it along here? I had to piss so much during
“The Irishman,” I missed all two of
Anna Paquin’s lines of dialogue. But, seriously, long movies, why is it taking you so long
to tell this story? You’re like seeing Connie from
H.R. in the hallway. No, Connie, I don’t want to hear
about your dad’s sciatica. -Connie’s looking for friends
in the wrong places. -Long movies, pay attention.
Ya burnt! Airplane safety announcements,
you’re the most pointless presentation since H.R.
told us we’re not allowed to have sex in the conference room. -We know. -Quit talking to us like
we’re children. If someone doesn’t know how
to buckle a seat belt, society’s probably better off if
they rocket out the window. And, also, can we
cool it with the airplane-safety-announcement
videos trying to be fun? If the plane’s going down,
the last thing I want to do is remember your terrible rap. ♪ When the masks fall down,
put your own on first ♪ ♪ Then pray to God
as the engines burst ♪ Airplane safety announcements,
please direct your attention to my ass and pucker up,
because ya burnt! Up next, uninsured veterans —
[ Buzzer ] Oh! That buzzer means we’ve
run out of time. This has been “Ya Burnt.”


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