When Your Student Writes a Story About Having Sex with You – Amy Silverberg – Stand-Up Featuring

When Your Student Writes a Story About Having Sex with You – Amy Silverberg – Stand-Up Featuring

– I’m a teacher,
that’s my day job. I teach. I teach Intro to Writing at USC. I hope that nobody here
is affiliated with USC. If you are keep everything I say a secret. I had one of the star
football players in my class. I told the class they can
write a story about anything. He wrote a story about
wanting to fuck his teacher. (crowd laughs) Honestly, very nice. (crowd laughs) My name is Amy Silverberg, and that story the teacher’s
name was Jamie Goldstein. (crowd laughs) Very close. (crowd laughs) In that story he said, that he wanted to have
sex with the teacher on the handlebars
of his bicycle. And then afterward she
would like it very much, and feel fulfilled. (crowd laughs) I was like, you took the
teacher’s pleasure into account? B+ baby, right? (crowd laughs) Not everybody does. You have to reward
them when they do. I look young so the female
students always email me really familiarly in
like lowercase letters. (crowd laughs) One of my students
emailed me, and she goes Dear Amy, I won’t be
coming to class today. I took the morning after
pill, and I don’t feel well. Dot, dot, dot, you
know how it is. (crowd laughs) I was like, why do I know, of course I know how it is. I was like stay home,
I use the Nuvaring. It’s very confusing. It comes out on the
dick half the time, like a hula hoop. (crowd laughs) We’re still figuring
it out, you know. I got a fan letter. I got my first fan letter. (crowd cheers) Yes, thank you, thank you. It wasn’t from stand up. It was because I published
a story in a magazine, and a man emailed me
through my website, and he said, I just want
to let you know that, that story you wrote
kept me up at night, especially the scene where the
woman’s in the kitchen, wow. And I wrote back, and I said, thank you so much
for saying that. And then he wrote back,
can I cum on your tits? (crowd laughs) What an elaborate troll. (crowd laughs) This guy read my fiction. People don’t read,
he analyzed it. So I wrote back, and I said,
it’s may I cum on your tits? (crowd laughs and cheers) Cause you got to get
the grammar correct. I myself went to a
big party college. Yes, yes. I went to UC Santa Barbara. I used to have a friend at that
time who would get so drunk, she would come home,
take out a frozen waffle, be too drunk to put
it in the toaster. Go up to her top bunk, put it in between
her hot thighs. (crowd laughs) And eat it like that,
partially defrosted. (crowd laughs) This friend’s now 30. I reminded her of
this, she goes, Oh yeah, the waffle trick. (crowd laughs) I still do that sometimes
on the way to work. (crowd laughs) I was like, that’s so deranged. (crowd laughs) You could eat a protein bar. You could intermittent fast. And she said, I
like to eat the Eggo from in between my leggos. (crowd laughs) Which is such a good motto. I was like, you got
to keep doing that. I’m of the age
where I’m going to a lot of bachelorette parties. I don’t know if
anyone here has been to a bachelorette party. – [Audience] Yeah. – Yes, good. Last one I went to we
played this game where we asked the future husband
a bunch of questions, recorded his responses,
and then in real time asked the future wife, see
if their answers matched up. The questions were like, Where’s the craziest
place you had sex? Or, when did you know
you were in love? We asked her, what’s your
deepest, darkest secret? She said, well this is
incredibly embarrassing, but I know that this is
what he would’ve said. So, I’ll just say it, I like having my nipples
played with, and sucked. That’s your deepest,
darkest secret? (crowd laughs) She goes no, no, no, no, no, no, she says, I’m afraid
that when I have a baby, it’s going to nurse, and
I’m going to get turned on, (crowd laughs) and cum. (crowd laughs) We said, what the fuck
is wrong with you! Then we played her
future husband’s
response on the monitor, and he goes, her
deepest, darkest secret, she once had Jack In The
Box five nights in a row. (crowd laughs) She said, please
don’t tell anyone. (crowd laughs) Alright, I’m going to leave
you guys with one more. Have any of you been skydiving? (crowd cheers) That’s great. I went skydiving for
the first time recently. When you go skydiving
for the first time you get attached to someone. I was attached to
someone very tall. When he saw me, he said,
oh good I like em small. So I was like, this is
great, this can’t go wrong. I was then attached to his dick. (crowd laughs) When he walked my legs
flailed in the air. Then we sat in the plane for
what felt like a lifetime. And he whispered into my ear,
You’d make a great jockey. (crowd laughs) Not the worst compliment
a man has ever given me. Right before he
jumped out, he goes, do you want regular or extreme? I was like, I want
regular you fucking loon. I’ve never been
skydiving before. (crowd laughs) So then he jumped
out, me attached. Proceeded to give me a tour of his hometown of
Lompoc, California. Wind rushing through his hair, he’s like that’s The
Cheesecake Factory, where I met my girlfriend. That’s the park where she
fucking broke up with me. That’s my duplex. I have a roommate, we
get a pretty good deal. We have a balcony. We grill out,
weather permitting. (crowd laughs) Then when we landed he goes, ooo I barely felt you. That’s why I like em small. I feel as though I’m on my own. This guy gave a tour to himself. (crowd laughs)


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