[applause] Thank you. Thank you and also, thank you for that wonderfully fantastic
house music. I love house music. Welcome to my first official press
conference as President-elect. Before I begin bashing the press,
I just want to acknowledge that they are so so important
and I hate them so much. Now let me address the reports
released about me by BuzzFeed. I’m talking of course about the pee-pee. These reports are completely unsubstantiated
as many websites have said, and that’s all I’m going to
say about the pee-pee. Does anyone have any questions
about anything else? [reporters clamor] [female reporter 1] President-elect Trump,
did you do the pee-pee? [male reporter 1]
How do you respond to the explosive reports that you hired prostitutes
to pee-pee on the Obama’s bed? See, I don’t think you’re getting it, OK?
That question doesn’t matter. This press conference doesn’t matter. Nothing that comes out of
my mouth right now matters. Pee-pee. Poo-poo. Penis. Pussy. Paula Poundstone. Nothing I say matters. – You.
– [male reporter 2] How do you respond to the allegations that Russians were trying
to blackmail you with the pee-pee video? How could they blackmail me?
I don’t know what this video of, but I’ll say this, I’ve done so many worse
things than the pee-pee and nobody cares. I secretly cut off and sold old lady’s hair. I’ve saved my ejaculate and
put it in church hand soap dispensers. I’ve successfully killed and skinned
101 Dalmatians to make a beautiful coat. I go into the American Girl doll store,
and finger them where their vaginas would be. I feed coins to birds.
I egged Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s Tesla and told him that it was
Magic Johnson that did it. Speaking of Magic Johnson,
I was the one that gave Magic Johnson AIDS– Oh, excuse me, HIV.
I vape. [male reporter 3] How will the pee-pee
color your relationship with Putin? If Putin likes Donald Trump,
that’s a good thing. Does Trump want be good friends with Putin?
Yes. Putin want be pals with Trump?
Do. Trump love Putin like pee-paw and meemaw?
Moo. If Trump pee-pee in Putin hotel,
Putin Donald PeePee Putin Poo? Absolutely. I don’t know what’s so hard
to understand about that. Do, uh, any of you lying reporters
have any final questions? [reporters chant “pee-pee”]