Trump, Twitter, Area 51, Bachelorette & Garth Brooks

Trump, Twitter, Area 51, Bachelorette & Garth Brooks


THANK YOU FOR WATCHING. A SPECIAL WELCOME TO THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE WATCHING FROM NEW YORK CITY, WHERE IF YOU’RE SEEING THIS MEANS THE POWER IS STILL ON. YOU KNOW, THERE’S A BIG BLACKOUT IN MANHATTAN OVER THE WEEKEND. THE POWER WENT OUT FOR SEVERAL HOURS ON SATURDAY NIGHT FROM TIMES SQUARE ALL THE WAY UP TO 72nd STREET. IT HAPPENED RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A JENNIFER LOPEZ CONCERT AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN. THE LIGHTS SUDDENLY WENT OUT. AND PEOPLE WERE — THEY HAD TO CANCEL THE SHOW. PEOPLE WERE ON EDGE. YOU KNOW, WHEN THIS SORT OF THING HAPPENS. THERE WAS EVEN AN INCIDENT AT A LOCAL BAGEL SHOP WHEN THE LIGHTS WENT OUT.>>WHY IS IT OKAY FOR WOMEN TO SAY YOU’RE ON DATING SITES, WE SHOULD BE — THAT’S OKAY?>>Jimmy: AS YOU CAN SEE, TEMPERS ARE RUNNING SHORT THERE. [ LAUGHTER ] MOST BROADWAY SHOWS HAD TO CANCEL THEIR PERFORMANCES. BUT THE CAST OF THE TONY-WINNING SHOW “HADESTOWN” DECIDED TO DO A PERFORMANCE OUTSIDE THEIR THEATER. ♪ ♪ BLACKOUT ♪ ♪ THERE’S A BLACKOUT ♪ ♪ OOH ♪ ♪ THERE’S A BLACKOUT ♪ ♪ OOH ♪ ♪ THERE’S A BLACKOUT ♪>>Jimmy: THAT’S PRETTY GOOD. RARELY DO YOU SEE PEOPLE CHEERING — [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] — FOR A TROMBONE. THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY BILL DE BLASIO WAS CAMPAIGNING IN IOWA WHEN THE POWER WENT OUT BECAUSE HE’S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. WHY HE’S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT NO ONE KNOWS. [ LAUGHTER ] BUT WHEN THE LIGHTS CAME BACK ON, HIS POLL NUMBERS HAD TRIPLED ALL THE WAY UP TO 1%. [ LAUGHTER ] YOU REALLY MISS THE LIGHTS WHEN THEY GO OUT. HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THEY WENT BACK ON. [ CHEERS ] THAT’S RIGHT. PEOPLE WERE CHEERING IN THE STREETS. AND THEN FIVE MINUTES LATER EVERYONE WENT RIGHT BACK TO NOT SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER EVER. [ LAUGHTER ] THE BLACKOUT WAS THE NUMBER ONE TRENDING THING ON TWITTER ON SATURDAY. AND TODAY IN CASE YOU DON’T KNOW, TODAY IS TWITTER’S 13th BIRTHDAY. TODAY TWITTER BECAME A MAN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] IT’S LIKE CHEERING FOR RABIES, BY THE WAY. [ LAUGHTER ] TO COMMEMORATE THIS MILESTONE THE FOLKS AT TWITTER PUT OUT A SPECIAL MESSAGE TODAY TO REMIND US OF SOME OF THE HIGHLIGHTS OF THEIR PAST 13 YEARS.>>FROM ALL OF US AT TWITTER WE WANT TO THANK YOU FOR 13 AMAZING YEARS. FROM OUR HUMBLE BEGINNINGS IN A GARAGE IN PALO ALTO WE STARTED WITH A SIMPLE IDEA. WHAT IF FORTUNE COOKIE MESSAGES WERE RACIST? [ LAUGHTER ] OVER THE YEARS WE’VE GROWN TO BECOME THE WORLD’S FASTEST AND EASIEST WAY TO GET FIRED FROM YOUR JOB. AND THE MOST EFFICIENT METHOD OF TELLING FAMOUS PEOPLE TO GO [ BLEEP ] THEMSELVES. [ LAUGHTER ] WE WERE THE FIRST TO REPORT THE MIRACLE ON THE HUDSON. AND THE DISCOVERY OF ICE ON MARS. ALLOWED RUSSIA TO ELECT THEIR FIRST AMERICAN PRESIDENT. AND PROVIDED A SPACE WHERE THAT PRESIDENT COULD CALL BETTE MIDLER AN EXTREMELY UNATTRACTIVE WOMAN WHO SUCKED AT THE OSCARS. WE BREATHED NEW LIFE INTO THE POUND SIGN AND THAT STUPID LETTER A WITH THE CIRCLE AROUND IT. WE’RE PROUD OF WHAT WE’VE ACCOMPLISHED IN 13 YEARS, AND WE LOOK FORWARD TO PROVIDING A PLATFORM TO USHER IN THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN CIVIL WAR. TWITTER. AN UNREGULATED BULLETIN BOARD FOR HUMANITY’S WORST. AND VIDEOS OF TODDLERS DOING THIS. [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>Jimmy: NOW, THAT’S NICE. CONGRATULATIONS TO TWITTER. YOU KNOW, WITHOUT TWITTER WE WOULD JUST HAVE TO WONDER IF OUR PRESIDENT HAD RACIST THOUGHTS ON EVERY SUBJECT. BUT NOW WE CAN READ THOSE THOUGHTS EVERY DAY. OUR TWEETIE BIRD PRESIDENT IS OUT OF HIS MIND AGAIN. YESTERDAY YOU MAY KNOW HE LASHED OUT AT FOUR DEMOCRATIC CONGRESSPEOPLE, ALL OF WHOM HAPPEN TO BE NON-WHITE WOMEN. HE WROTE, “SO INTERESTING TO SEE PROGRESSIVE DEMOCRAT CONGRESSWOMEN WHO ORIGINALLY CAME FROM COUNTRIES WHOSE GOVERNMENTS ARE A COMPLETE AND TOTAL CATASTROPHE NOW LOUDLY AND VICIOUSLY TELLING THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES THE GREATEST AND MOST POWERFUL NATION ON EARTH HOW OUR GOVERNMENT IS TO BE RUN. WHY DON’T THEY GO BACK AND HELP FIX THE TOTALLY BROKEN AND CRIME-INFESTED PLACES FROM WHICH THEY CAME, THEN COME BACK AND SHOW US HOW IT IS DONE?” AND OF COURSE THREE OF THE CONGRESSWOMEN HE ATTACKED WERE BORN HERE IN THE UNITED STATES. AND THE OTHER ONE MOVED HERE WHEN SHE WAS 10 YEARS OLD. AND EVEN SOME REPUBLICANS CONDEMNED THE PRESIDENT FOR THIS. NOT MANY. BUT SOME. NOT ONLY DID HE NOT APOLOGIZE, HE DID WHAT HE ALWAYS DOES, HE DOUBLED DOWN ON IT.>>THEY HAVE TO LOVE — THEY HAVE TO LOVE OUR COUNTRY. THEY’RE CONGRESSPEOPLE. AND I NEVER USED ANY NAMES. BUT THESE ARE PEOPLE — QUIET. QUIET. QUIET. QUIET. QUIET! QUIET. THESE ARE PEOPLE THAT IF THEY DON’T LIKE IT HERE THEY CAN LEAVE.>>Jimmy: AS SOON AS HE SAID THAT, MELANIA STARTED RUNNING TO THE AIRPORT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] SHE WAS STOPPED BY SECRET SERVICE. HE SAID THESE WOMEN HATE ISRAEL, THEY’RE PRO AL QAEDA. AND THIS WAS INTERESTING. SOMEONE GOT A SHOT OF HIS NOTES. THIS IS HOW HE SPELLS AL QAEDA. ZOOM IN ON THAT. FOR REAL. A-L-C-A-I-D-A. WHICH BY THE WAY, IS WRONG BECAUSE HE IS FOOLISH. [ LAUGHTER ] BUT ONE REPUBLICAN WHO DID SPEAK OUT AGAINST THE PRESIDENT’S RACISM WAS SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM.>>WHAT IS YOUR REACTION TO HEARING WHAT DONALD TRUMP SAYS?>>DISGUSTED. I WANT TO TALK TO THE TRUMP SUPPORTERS FOR A MINUTE. I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU LIKE THIS GUY. HE’S A RACE-BAITING XENOPHOBIC RELIGIOUS BIGOT.>>Jimmy: UNFORTUNATELY, THAT’S WHAT HE SAID FOUR YEARS AGO WHEN HE WAS RUNNING AGAINST TRUMP. THIS IS WHAT HE SAID TODAY.>>WE JUST CHECKED OUT LINDSEY GRAHAM’S TWITTER ACCOUNT, AND HE POSTED THIS IMAGE YESTERDAY. AND JOINING US RIGHT NOW, WE’VE GOT SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM, REPUBLICAN FROM SOUTH CAROLINA, THE CHAIRMAN OF THE SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE. LOOKED LIKE A FUN DAY.>>IT WAS A FUN DAY, AND TRUMP’S THE BEST GOLFER. YOU’RE THE BEST GOLFER.>>Jimmy: LINDSEY GRAHAM IS PROBABLY THE CLOSEST DONALD TRUMP WILL EVER COME TO OWNING A DOG. [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ON FRIDAY ANOTHER CABINET MEMBER, THE SECRETARY OF LABOR, ALEX ACOSTA, RESIGNED FOR HIS ROLE APPROVING A VERY LIGHT SENTENCE GIVEN TO THE ACCUSED PEDOPHILE BILLIONAIRE JEFFREY EPSTEIN. AND THIS WAS NUTS. AFTER ACOSTA RESIGNED BECAUSE OF THIS THE PRESIDENT BROUGHT HIM OUT ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN TO TRY TO SHOW SOME KIND OF SOLIDARITY. SOMEONE ASKED TRUMP IF ACOSTA WAS A DEMOCRAT AND TRUMP PASSED THAT QUESTION ALONG.>>ARE YOU A DEMOCRAT?>>I’M NOT, NO.>>I HAVE NO IDEA. YOU KNOW WHAT I KNOW? YOU KNOW WHAT I KNOW ABOUT ALEX? HE WAS A GREAT STUDENT AT HARVARD. HE’S HISPANIC, WHICH I — WHICH I SO ADMIRE.>>Jimmy: YES INDEED. IT TAKES A LOT OF GUTS TO BE HISPANIC. IT REALLY DOES. [ LAUGHTER ] ONE OF THE THINGS I ADMIRE ABOUT YOU, GUILLERMO. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] VICE PRESIDENT PENCE ON FRIDAY TOOK A TOUR OF TWO DETENTION CENTERS IN TEXAS, WHERE HE QUESTIONED A GROUP OF CHILDREN WHO WERE BEING KEPT VERY HUMANELY LOCKED UP IN CELLS. AND IF YOU WATCH VERY CLOSELY HERE, YOU CAN SEE THE EXACT — THE MOMENT MIKE PENCE REALIZES MAYBE HE’S NOT GETTING INTO HEAVEN.>>ARE THEY TAKING GOOD CARE OF YOU HERE?>>SI.>>SI? OKAY. HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO GET HERE?>>[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ].>>IT TOOK TWO MONTHS TO GET HERE AND THREE MONTHS TO GET HERE. OKAY. DID YOU WALK THE WHOLE WAY?>>[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ].>>YES.>>LONG JOURNEY.>>Jimmy: YEAH. THAT’S HIS CONCERNED FACE, IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING. I’LL TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH, BETWEEN THIS AND THE SPACE FORCE HE’S BASICALLY FIGHTING REAL ALIENS AND ILLEGAL ONES BOTH AT THE SAME TIME. THERE’S NOTHING THIS MAN CAN’T DO. THE PRESIDENT CLAIMS THESE REPORTS OF BAD CONDITIONS AT THE DETENTION CENTERS ARE BIGLY EXAGGERATED. HE WROTE “FRIDAY’S TOUR SHOWED VIVIDLY TO POLITICIANS AND THE MEDIA HOW WELL RUN AND CLEAN THE CHILDREN’S DETENTION CENTERS ARE. GREAT REVIEWS.” [ LAUGHTER ] YEAH. 100% ON ROTTEN TOMATOES RIGHT NOW. [ LAUGHTER ] AT THIS POINT OUR BEST HOPE IS TRUMP TURNS THE PLACE INTO ONE OF HIS CASINOS AND IT GOES OUT OF BUSINESS IN LIKE TWO WEEKS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] IT REALLY IS — OH, SO THIS IS CRAZY TOO. MORE THAN A MILLION PEOPLE, I DON’T KNOW IF YOU SAW THIS, HAVE SIGNED UP ON FACEBOOK WITH THE INTENTION OF STORMING AREA 51. THIS IS THE MILITARY FACILITY IN THE NEVADA DESERT WHERE MANY BELIEVE UFOs AND EVIDENCE OF ALIEN LIFE IS KEPT. THE EVENT IS CALLED “STORM AREA 51, THEY CANT STOP ALL OF US.” MAYBE NOT. BUT THEY CAN STOP SOME OF YOU. [ LAUGHTER ] AND THE AIR FORCE HAD TO PUT OUT A STATEMENT WARNING PEOPLE NOT TO STORM THEM. AREA 51 IS AN OPEN TRAINING RANGE FOR THE U.S. AIR FORCE AND WE WOULD DISCOURAGE ANYONE FROM TROOIM TRYI TRYING TO COME. THE U.S. AIR FORCE ALWAYS STANDS READY TO PROTECT AMERICA AND ITS ASSETS. AND IF THE AIR FORCE CAN’T STOP THEM, WHY, THEY’LL SEND IN THE SPACE FORCE TO FINISH THE JOB. [ LAUGHTER ] IT DOES SEEM LIKE THE WORLD IS GETTING NUTTIER. EVEN IN CHESS THERE’S A SCANDAL ROCKING THE WORLD OF INTERNATIONAL CHESS. THERE’S A GRANDMASTER NAMED IGOR RAUSAS WHO WAS CAUGHT CHEATING DURING A TOURNAMENT. AND THE WAY HE CHEATED IS HE WENT INTO THE BATHROOM AND HE USED A CHESS APP TO HELP WITH HIS MOVES. YOU SEE THERE HE IS ON HIS PHONE WITH A PRETTY COOL SET OF COMPRESSION SOCKS ON. [ LAUGHTER ] UNFORTUNATELY, WHOEVER WAS TAKING SECRET PHOTOS IN THE MEN’S ROOM IS STILL AT LARGE. [ LAUGHTER ] TONIGHT ON “THE BACHELORETTE” IT WAS FANTASY SUITE NIGHT TONIGHT AND THE DRAMA CENTERED AROUND THE VILLAIN OF THIS SEASON, THE DESPICABLE LUKE P. LUKE P. WAS THE ONLY GUY WHO DIDN’T MAKE IT TO THE FANTASY SUITE TONIGHT. HE ENRAGED HANNAH BY TELLING HER THAT IF SHE DARED TO HAVE SEX WITH ANY OF THE OTHER GUYS HE’D LEAVE. AND, WELL, HE GOT HIS WISH.>>THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY TIMES THAT LIKE I HAVE WANTED TO SAY I’M DONE WITH YOU. BUT MY HEART HAS JUST NOT ALLOWED ME TO LET YOU GO. AND I PRAYED SO MUCH FOR CLARITY. AND I FEEL LIKE I’VE FINALLY GOTTEN CLARITY ON YOU. AND I DO NOT WANT YOU TO BE MY HUSBAND.>>Jimmy: WHY IT TOOK SO LONG — [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] — FOR HER TO FIGURE THIS OUT I DON’T KNOW. BUT LUKE DIDN’T GO WITHOUT A FIGHT. IN FACT, HE ALMOST DIDN’T GO AT ALL.>>THERE’S SOMETHING IN ME THAT IS REFUSING ME TO GET INTO THAT VEHICLE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY — >>IF YOU REALLY — I COULD PROBABLY GET YOU TO GET IN THAT LIMO. SO LIKE I HAVE HAD SEX.>>SAY WHAT?>>YEAH. AND I — JESUS STILL LOVES ME.>>I DIDN’T JUST GO TO THE FANTASY SUITE. I [ BLEEP ] IN A WINDMILL. AND GUESS WHAT? WE DID IT A SECOND TIME.>>Jimmy: SHE REALLY, REALLY DID — [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THEY DID DO IT IN A WINDMILL, WHICH WAS A FIRST FOR THE SHOW. AND BY THE WAY, THAT KISS IS WHAT THEY CALL A RENEWABLE ENERGY SOURCE. SO TO RECAP, LUKE TOLD HANNAH IF SHE HAD SEX WITH THE OTHER GUYS HE WOULD 100% LEAVE. AND HE DID 100% LEAVE. BUT BASED ON THE SCENES THEY SHARED FROM NEXT WEEK HE’S 100% COMING BACK. SO HANNAH ALSO ENJOYED THE FANTASY SUITE WITH TYLER, WHO — TYLER WANTED TO GIVE HER A PRIVATE MASSAGE. SO HE KICKED EVERYONE OUT OF THE ROOM TO DO IT.>>THAT’S — ♪ [ LAUGHTER ]>>Jimmy: WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW TONIGHT. WE HAVE MUSIC TONIGHT FROM A GENTLEMAN, MAYBE YOU HEARD HIS NAME. GARTH BROOKS IS ON THE SHOW TONIGHT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] GARTH IS RIGHT NOW 2,000 MILES AWAY FROM US IN CHICAGO. HE HAS A NEW DUET WITH BLAKE SHELTON CALLED “DIVE BAR.” AND GARTH JOINS US NOW FROM AN ACTUAL DIVE BAR. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] HEY, GARTH, HOW ARE YOU DOING?>>WE’RE DOING GREAT. THIS IS THE PLACE TO BE.>>Jimmy: I SEE ARMS BUT I DON’T SEE PEOPLE. I ASSUME THERE ARE PEOPLE ATTACHED TO THOSE ARMS.>>IF YOU MOVE THIS WAY A LITTLE BIT YOU CAN SEE ALL OF THEM. EVERYBODY WAVE.>>Jimmy: GARTH, WHY ARE YOU ON A TOUR OF DIVE BARS? IS IT THE SMELL THAT YOU LOVE?>>YES. IT’S EVERYTHING I LOVE ABOUT — THIS IS WHERE OUR MUSIC WAS BORN. SO YEAH, THIS IS IT. WE’VE GOT A DIVE BAR SINGLE OUT WITH BLAKE SHELTON RIGHT NOW, FELLOW OKIE. SO WE’RE STARTING OUR DIVE BAR TOUR HERE TONIGHT AT JOE’S IN CHICAGO.>>Jimmy: EXCELLENT. COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST TOLD TRISHA YOU WANTED TO GO OUT DRINKING AND NOT GONE THROUGH THIS WHOLE PROCESS?>>I GUESS I COULD HAVE. BUT SHE’S GRANTED ME THIS. SO THIS IS GOING TO BE THE FIRST OF MANY. SO WE’RE EXCITED ABOUT IT.>>Jimmy: WHAT IS THE NEXT STOP ON THE TOUR AFTER CHICAGO?>>I CAN’T TELL YOU.>>Jimmy: IT’S A SECRET, RIGHT? YOU’RE KIND OF POPPING IN AS A SURPRISE.>>YEAH, MAN. AND IT’S FUN. AND CHICAGO, IF IT GOES ANYTHING LIKE THIS, BEFORE WE EVEN GET ON STAGE THIS PLACE HAS BEEN THE MOST FUN YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE. SO IF THEY GO LIKE THIS WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT SOMETIME.>>Jimmy: GARTH, IS IT TRUE YOU’RE PLANNING TO DO A SHOT WITH EVERY PERSON IN THAT BAR BEFORE YOU’RE DONE TONIGHT?>>IT’S TRADITION, YES.>>Jimmy: ALL RIGHT.

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