Trump Has Now Been Interviewed On Fox News 19 Times

Trump Has Now Been Interviewed On Fox News 19 Times


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. YOU’RE VERY NICE. I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW”.” WELL, I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’RE
PAYING ATTENTION, BUT INTERNAL STRIFE IS TEARING THE REPUBLICAN
PARTY APART AT THE SEAMS. IT’S LIKE A NEW CIVIL WAR, ONLY
NEITHER SIDE IS TRYING TO HELP BLACK PEOPLE. ( LAUGHTER )
THE LATEST SHOTS FROM FORT TRUMPTER ARE AGAINST TENNESSEE
SENATOR AND MAN SEEING HIS DAUGHTER’S NECK TATTOO FOR THE
FIRST TIME, BOB CORKER. CORKER AND TRUMP HAVE BEEN
FIGHTING, HEAD TO HEAD LIKE TWO RAMS, FOR A WHILE NOW. YOU MIGHT RECALL THAT CORKER
CALLED THE WHITE HOUSE “AN ADULT DAY CARE CENTER.” OKAY, CLEVER. NOT ENTIRELY ACCURATE. WITH TRUMP, YOU ALSO NEED A
NIGHT SHIFT. ( LAUGHTER )
ALL RIGHT. ( APPLAUSE )
GETS INTO THINGS. HE’S LIKE A RACCOON! HE’S LIKE A RACCOON! I DON’T KNOW IF RACCOONS DO
THAT, BUT I’M GOING TO DO THAT. SO, I FIGURED IT WAS TIME TO
GIVE THEM THEIR OWN SEGMENT, ON THIS SHOW, WHEN I WANTED TO
CALL, “CORK A SOCK IN IT.” BUT I HAVE A TEAM OF TALENTED
COMEDY WRITERS, AND I KNEW WE COULD DO BETTER THAN THAT. SO WE ALL GATHERED IN A ROOM,
PUT ON A POT OF COFFEE, AND BRAINSTORMED FOR HOURS. AND NOW, “LATE SHOW” VIEWERS, I
PRESENT TO YOU OUR NEWEST SEGMENT… “CORK A SOCK IN IT!”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TURNS OUT I GET TO DO WHATEVER I
WANT. IT’S MY SHOW. THE LATEST FEUD BETWEEN THESE
TWO STARTED BRIGHT AND EARLY TODAY WHEN CORKER WENT ON ALL
THE MORNING SHOWS TO CRITICIZE DONALD TRUMP, AND TRUMP WAS
WATCHING, BECAUSE HE IMMEDIATELY TWEETED:
“BOB CORKER, WHO HELPED PRESIDENT O GIVE US THE BAD IRAN
DEAL & COULDN’T GET ELECTED DOG CATCHER IN TENNESSEE, IS NOW
FIGHTING TAX CUTS, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT.” “DOT, DOT, DOT, CORKER DROPPED
OUT OF THE RACE IN TENNESS WHEN I REFUSED TO ENDORSE HIM, AND
NOW IS ONLY NEGATIVE ON ANYTHING TRUMP. LOOK AT HIS RECORD!”
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
REALLY? REALLY? “TENNESS?”
( LAUGHTER ) QUICK TIP: WHEN YOU’RE RIPPING A
POLITICIAN IT HELPS TO SPELL THE NAME OF THEIR STATE RIGHT. “I DON’T LIKE JOE ‘HAUNTED’
MANCHIN. HE WILL NEVER GET RE-ELECTED BY
THE GOOD PEOPLE OF WEST VAGINA.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) DOESN’T HAVE THE SAME RING. IT’S NOT GOING TO HELP.>>Jon: YOU HAVE TO SPELL IT
RIGHT!>>Stephen:
♪ ALMOST HEAVEN WEST VAGINA ♪
THAT’S REALLY HARD TO SING. 2 WOULD HAVE BEEN A HIT THOUGH. I BET THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A
HIT. WE MISS YOU. NOW, SOME OF WHAT TRUMP SAID
ABOUT CORKER WAS NOT TRUE. SPECIFICALLY, ALL OF IT. AND CORKER POINTED THAT OUT:
“SAME UNTRUTHS FROM AN UTTERLY UNTRUTHFUL PRESIDENT. #ALERTTHEDAYCARESTAFF.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Jon: WOW!>>Stephen: YEAH. THEN TRUMP IMMEDIATELY TWEETED
BACK, “ISN’T IT SAD THAT LIGHTWEIGHT SENATOR BOB CORKER,
WHO COULDN’T GET RE-ELECTED IN THE GREAT STATE OF TENNESSEE,
WILL NOW FIGHT TAX CUTS PLUS.” WHAT IS “TAX CUTS PLUS?”
THAT SOUNDS LIKE TAX CUTS FOR HUSKY BOYS. HE’LL GROW INTO IT. TRUMP TWEET-TINUED, “SENATOR
CORKER IS THE INCOMPETENT HEAD OF THE FOREIGN RELATIONS
COMMITTEE, AND LOOK HOW POORLY THE U.S. HAS DONE. HE DOESN’T HAVE A CLUE AS DOT,
DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT,” “DOT, DOT, DOT, THE ENTIRE WORLD WAS
LAUGHING AND TAKING ADVANTAGE OF US. PEOPLE LIKE LIDDLE’ BOB CORKER
HAVE SET THE U.S. WAY BACK. NOW WE MOVE FORWARD!”
YES, NOW AMERICA IS MOVING FORWARD, JUST LIKE THELMA AND
LOUISE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH! JUST HOLDING HANDS, JUST HOLDING
HANDS. AND, JIM, CAN I SEE PART OF THAT
TWEET AGAIN. L-I-D-D-L-E AND THEN AN
APOSTROPHE? THAT’S NOT HOW APOSTROPHES WORK. SOMETHING’S GOT TO BE MISSING,
OTHER THAN BRAIN CELLS. IN FACT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU CAN’T USE APOST FEES LIKE– HERE’S MY GUESS– MY GUESS IS
THE PRESIDENT THINKS APOST FEES IS A GREAT LAKES PHILOSOPHER. I LOVE THE WORKS OF APOST FEES. HE’S BETTER THAN PARENTHESIS. I LOVE PLAY-DOH. AND A SIDE OF TZATZIKI. ABSOLUTELY.” NOW, TRUMP CAME OVER FOR A LUNCH
TODAY– HE WENT OVER THE SENATE TODAY. HE WENT OVER TO THE SENATE
TODAY. BUT CORKER DIDN’T THINK MUCH
WOULD GET DONE.>>I DO LOOK AT THESE THINGS AS
MORE OF A, YOU KNOW, PHOTO OP. THEY’RE NOT REALLY ABOUT
SUBSTANCE. BUT, YOU KNOW, MORE POWER TO
HIM.>>Stephen: NO, LESS POWER! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU ALREADY MADE HIM THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD
BECAUSE YOU HELPED GET HIM ELECTED! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, CORKER, EVEN
THOUGH HE CAMPAIGNED FOR TRUMP. HE MIGHT– HE MIGHT REGRET
SUPPORTING TRUMP. LET’S FIND OUT.>>DO YOU REGRET SUPPORTING HIM
IN THE ELECTION?>>LET’S JUST PUT IT THIS WAY:
I WOULD NOT DO THAT AGAIN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: HE WOULD NOT DO IT AGAIN. “LET’S JUST PUT IT THIS WAY–”
TOO LATE, SENATOR. AND CORKER’S NOT ALONE. THIS AFTERNOON WE GOT SOME HUGE
NEWS FROM ONE-TERM ARIZONA SENATOR AND UPRIGHT GOLDEN
RETRIEVER, JEFF FLAKE.>>I AM ANNOUNCING TODAY THAT MY
SERVICE IN THE SENATE WILL CONCLUDE AT THE END OF MY TERM
IN EARLY JANUARY 2019. MR. PRESIDENT, I RISE TODAY TO
SAY ENOUGH. I MUST SAY THAT WE HAVE FOOLED
OURSELVES FOR LONG ENOUGH THAT A PIVOT TO GOVERNING IT RIGHT
AROUND THE CORNER. A RETURN TO CIVILITY AND
STABILITY RIGHT BEHIND IT. WE KNOW BETTER THAN THAT. MR. PRESIDENT, I WILL NOT BE
COMPLICIT OR SILENT.>>Stephen: NO, I WILL BE
COMPLICIT AND ABSENT. NOW, FLAKE HAS BEEN AN OUTSPOKEN
CRITIC OF THE PRESIDENT FOR A WHILE, BUT TODAY HE REALLY
UNLOADED.>>DESPOTISM LOVES A VACUUM, AND
OUR ALLIES ARE NOW LOOKING ELSEWHERE FOR LEADERSHIP. ANGER AND RESENTMENT ARE NOT
GOVERNING PHILOSOPHY. ALLIANCES ARE ROUTINELY
THREATENED BY THE LEVEL OF THOUGHT THAT GOES INTO 140
CHARACTERS.>>Stephen: NOW, HOLD ON. YOU’RE ACTING LIKE ALL DONALD
TRUMP DOES IS GO ON TWITTER TO THREATEN GLOBAL STABILITY. HE ALSO THREATENS FOOTBALL
PLAYERS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES, I WILL STAND UP FOR THIS. FLAKE SAID THAT WE DON’T JUST
OWE IT TO OURSELVES TO OPPOSE TRUMP. WE ALSO OWE IT TO OUR CHILDREN.>>IT IS OFTEN SAID THAT
CHILDREN ARE WATCHING. WELL, THEY ARE. AND WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO
ABOUT THAT? WHEN THE NEXT GENERATION ASKS
US, “WHY DIDN’T YOU DO SOMETHING? WHY DIDN’T YOU SPEAK UP?”
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO SAY?>>Stephen: WELL, I THINK IN THE
FUTURE, JEFF FLAKE WILL SAY, “I WAITED UNTIL I WAS QUITTING
MY JOB TO POINT OUT THE BOSS WAS A LUNATIC. NOW, SIT DOWN AND EAT YOUR
RADIOACTIVE DOG MEAT.” THEY’RE LISTENING. THEY’RE LISTENING! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT SENATOR FLAKE SEES A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, NOT
JUST FOR HIM, BUT FOR ALL OF US.>>THIS SPELL WILL EVENTUALLY
BREAK. THAT IS MY BELIEF. WE WILL RETURN TO OURSELVES ONCE
MORE, AND I SAY, THE SOONER THE BETTER.>>Stephen: OH, THAT’S WHAT THIS
IS. WE’RE ALL UNDER A SPELL. IT’S ALL DETAILED IN THE NEW
BOOK, “HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-WIT PREZ.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT– ERKS PEL-O TRUMP-UM. FIRST McCAIN, THEN CORKER, NOW
FLAKE. WHY IS IT THAT REPUBLICANS ONLY
SPEAK UP AGAINST DONALD TRUMP WHEN THEY KNOW THEY’RE NOT
RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION? THEY FINALLY GROW A SET, AND
THEN THEY SAY, “I’M TAKING MY BALLS AND GOING HOME!”
AND… ( BOOM )
BETTER.

Author:

100 thoughts on “Trump Has Now Been Interviewed On Fox News 19 Times”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *