Theo Von Unleashed

Theo Von Unleashed


ELIZA SHLESSINGER.>>YOU GREW UP IN THE SOUTH?>>YEAH, MAN. I’M FROM THE SOUTH. ANYBODY ELSE FROM THE SOUTH? YEAH. SECOND PLACE IN THE CIVIL WAR. RUNNER-UP.>>LET ME JUST SAY, I’M VERY HAPPY ABOUT THAT.>>I WOULDN’T BE SITTING HERE. OUT, GET DRUNK, YOU HIT ON WOMEN.>>WHAT WAS YOUR DAD LIKE?>>MY DAD WAS 70 YEARS OLD WHEN I WAS BORN.>>WOW. IS THAT RIGHT?>>THANK YOU FOR LAUGHING AT MY DADDY. HE REALLY WAS. MY MOM WAS 32, WHICH REALLY MAKES ME A PRODUCT OF LOOSE SKIN AND LOOSE MORAL. BUT IT WAS COOL. THE QUALITY TIME WE WOULD SPEND AFTER I WAS BORN, MY DAD HAD A STROKE SO WE WERE BOTH LEARNING TO WALK AT THE SAME TIME. WE WOW LITTLE RACES FOR COOKIES, YOU KNOW? AND WE WOULD PLAY GAMES LIKE CATCH. AND MY DAD IS>>WHAT KIND OF GIRLS DO YOU LIKE?>>I LIKE ALL KINDS OF GIRLS. BIG, SMALL, SLEEPING. WHO HASN’T. I USED TO GET MAD AND GET UP IN OUR FACE AND SAY PULL! AND WATCH HER EYES. THAT’S MY FAVORITE JOKE. I WOULD LIKE TO DATE A GIRL MAN. THESE SKINNY GIRLS, LIKE MAKING LOVE TO A PAN OF PICKUP STICKS. I NEED A GIRL THAT HAS SOME BONES IN HER. KIND OF GIRL THAT WOULD JUST SNATCH A GOAT OFF A BRIDGE IF SHE HAD TO. GETS INTO SOME THING, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? THESE SKINNY GIRLS DON’T DO IT FOR ME.>>I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND WHO HAS A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT. SHE DOES THIS A LOT.>>IF SHE CAN COOK CAN, I WILL TAKE HER, MAN. I’M SERIOUS. A LOT OF WOMAN DON’T COOK ANYMORE, MAN. THAT’S TRUE. LOOK IT UP. IS THAT A HUNGER CLAP? YOU SEE THAT HUNGER CLAP? HERE’S MY THOUGHTS, LADIES. IF GOD DIDN’T WANT YOU TO COOK, THEN WHY DID HE NATURALLY PUT MILK AND EGGS IN YOUR BODY? INGREDIENTS!>>WELCOME BACK. WHAT DOO YOU DO ON THE ROAD?>>JUST THINKING. I WANT TO START AN EMERGENCY RESCUE SERVICE CALLED RESCUE 91. OUR MOTTO WILL BE YOU REALLY CAN’T HELP BUT CALL US FIRST.

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