The Late Show Wheel Of News IV (with Bernie Sanders)

The Late Show Wheel Of News IV (with Bernie Sanders)


WHEN I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TALK
ABOUT ON THE SHOW, I LEAVE MY DECISION UP TO A HIGHER POWER,
BY WHICH I MEAN THE DOME OF MY THEATER. THIS IS — “WHEEL OF NEWS!”! ♪
♪ ♪
>>Stephen: HEY! NOW! LONG-TIME FANS OF THE WHEEL OF
NEWS KNOW THAT WE’VE INSTALLED A GIANT SPINNING WHEEL IN THE
CEILING OF THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER WITH TOPICS LIKE
“SPORTS,” “ENTERTAINMENT,” AND “CHEESE”– ALL THE BIG NEWS
SUBJECTS– AND WHEREVER THE WHEEL LANDS, I TALK ABOUT THAT
THING. I JUST PULL A HI-TECH LEVER,
WHICH IS HELD UP BY MY UNDER-THE-DESK GUY, BRENDAN. SAY HI TO BRENDAN! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>>Stephen: STAY DOWN IN THE DESK HOLE, BUDDY. ALL RIGHT. Y’ALL READY? LET’S SPIN! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
“SCIENCE!” (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
PEOPLE LOVE THE SCIENCE. PALENTOLOGISTS IN KAZAKHSTAN
HAVE FOUND REMNANTS OF AN “ELASMOTHERIUM SIBIRICUM,” ALSO
KNOWN AS THE SIBERIAN UNICORN. THAT’S RIGHT, UNICORNS ARE REAL! WHICH MEANS PALEONTOLOGISTS ARE
JUST TWO NEON DOLPHINS AWAY FROM VALIDATING YOUR SIXTH GRADE
TRAPPER KEEPER. PERSONALLY, I LOVE UNICORNS. I CAN’T WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT A
REAL UNICORN LOOKED LIKE. JIM? (LAUGHTER)
>>Stephen: THAT’S NOT A REAL UNICORN. THAT’S A HAIRY RHINO WITH
SCOLIOSIS! I REALLY HAVE A HARD TIME
IMAGINING THAT THING POOPING RAINBOWS. I STILL CAN, BUT IT’S NOT EASY. OKAY, LEVER, LET’S DANCE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
5000! I’M IN FIRST PLACE! LET’S DO IT RIGHT NOW! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
“SPORTS!” (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
DURING A KNICKS GAME THIS WEEK, A CHILD RAN ONTO THE COURT TO
GIVE CARMELO ANTHONY A HUG, AND THE VIDEO WENT VIRAL BECAUSE
PEOPLE ALL ACROSS THE NATION WERE SHOCKED THAT THE KNICKS HAD
A FAN. SPIN IT TO WIN IT! “BERMUDA TRIANGLE!”
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE IS ONE OF
THE PLACES WHERE DOZENS OF SHIPS AND AIRPLANES HAVE DISAPPEARED. SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED HUGE
CRATERS ON THE SEA FLOOR THAT SUGGEST GIANT BLOWOUTS OF
METHANE. THAT’S RIGHT. THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE IS OCEAN
FARTS. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
APPARENTLY, THE GAS DEPOSITS BUILD UP ENORMOUS PRESSURE THAT
THEY RELEASE IN EXPLOSIONS STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE OUT A SHIP
OR EVEN AN AIRPLANE FLYING OVERHEAD. SO YOU’RE BUSTED, ATLANTIC
OCEAN– HE WHO SANK IT, STANK IT. (LAUGHTER)
SPIN CYCLE! ( WHAMMY NOISE )
OH, NO! THE GRONGLER! AW, MAN! NO, NO! NO! HE GRONGLED AWAY MY 5000! I’M IN LAST PLACE. ALL RIGHT. LET’S TRY AGAIN. (APPLAUSE)
“BUCKET OF NEWS.” ALL RIGHT, LET’S SEE WHAT WE’VE
GOT IN HERE. NORTH CAROLINA JUST PASSED A LAW
AIMED AT TRANSGENDER PEOPLE THAT SAYS THAT IF YOU’RE USING A
PUBLIC BATHROOM, YOU HAVE TO USE THE ONE THAT MATCHES THE GENDER
ON YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE. SO NORTH CAROLINIANS, IF YOU’RE
OUT ON THE TOWN AND HAVE TO USE THE FACILITIES, FIRST, JUST GO
TO THE COUNTY CLERK, GET THE LONG-FORM OF YOUR BIRTH
CERTIFICATE, AND YOU’RE ALL GOOD. OH, ALSO BRING YOUR PASSPORT OR
YOU WON’T BE ALLOWED TO WASH YOUR HANDS. NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE COMING
OUT AGAINST THIS LAW. EVEN THE ATTORNEY GENERAL HAS
CALLED IT “A NATIONAL EMBARRASSMENT.” NOT AT ALL, SIR. THERE’S NO REASON FOR THE REST
OF US TO BE EMBARRASSED. THIS ONE IS ALL YOURS. (LAUGHTER)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LISTEN, NORTH CAROLINA, PEOPLE
CHANGE. THERE ARE TONS OF FOLKS WHO
SIMPLY DON’T IDENTIFY WITH WHAT’S ON THEIR BIRTH
CERTIFICATE. FOR INSTANCE, TED CRUZ WISHES
HIS DIDN’T SAY “CANADA.” (LAUGHTER)
SPIN! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
“MYSTERY GUEST!” (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ALL RIGHT, LET’S SEE WHO IT IS! OUR MYSTERY GUEST FOR TONIGHT
IS… SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THANKS, SENATOR . SENATOR, ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU. GOOD TO HAVE YOU HERE.>>GOOD TO BE HERE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>>Stephen: THANKS, EVERYBODY! SENATOR SANDERS, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR BEING HERE TO BE OUR FIRST MYSTERY GUEST ON THE
“WHEEL OF NEWS!.” (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YOU KNOW THE RULES OF MYSTERY GUESTS. FIRST YOU HAVE TO ANSWER A
QUESTION ABOUT POLICY OF YOUR CAMPAIGN.>>OKAY.>>Stephen: SIR, YOU SAY,
RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE TRAILING IN DELEGATES BEHIND SECRETARY
CLINTON. YOU SAY THAT SUPER DELEGATES
WILL SWITCH FROM MS. CLINTON TO YOU AS YOU START WINNING MORE
STATES. WHY DO YOU WANT THE DEMOCRATIC
PARTY TO BE THROWN INTO THE KIND OF CHAOS YOU SEE ON THE
REPUBLICAN SIDE WHERE THEY WILL HAVE A CONTESTED CONVENTION?>>WELL, I THINK TWO THINGS. NUMBER ONE, WE HAVE WON SIX OUT
OF LAST SEVEN CAUCUSES MOST BY A LANDSLIDE
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND I THINK THAT SUPER DELEGATES
SHOULD LISTEN TO THE WILL OF THEIR PEOPLE. IF YOU’VE GOT 60, 70, 80% OF A
VOTE IN A STATE, YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK SUPER DELEGATES SHOULD
VOTE FOR US. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>>Stephen: ISN’T THE PURPOSE OF THE SUPER DELEGATES OF THE
PARTY TAKES SOME CONTROL OF THE PROCESS? DON’T THE REPUBLICANS JUST WISH
THEY HAD SUPER DELEGATES RIGHT NOW?>>WELL, THAT MAY BE. BUT I THINK WHAT WE NEED IN THE
DEMOCRATIC PARTY IS SOME DEMOCRACY, AND THAT MEANS THAT I
THINK THAT WHEN WE ARE DEFEATING TRUMP IN THE LAST POLLS BY 15 OR
20 POINTS AND WHEN WE ARE THE STRONGEST CANDIDATE, I BELIEVE,
IN TAKING ON ANY REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE, I WOULD HOPE SUPER
DELEGATES TAKE A LOOK AT WHO THE STRONGEST DEMOCRAT CANDIDATE IS
AND, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT’S ME. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>>Stephen: SENATOR, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. AS YOU KNOW, WE ARE OUT OF
MYSTERY GUEST TIME. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE. (AUDIENCE REACTS)
THANK YOU.>>I WOULD LIKE TO SPIN THAT
DAMN WHEEL!>>Stephen: WELL, LET’S DO IT! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
LET’S DO IT! COME ON AROUND HERE. THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.>>HEY! THERE IS A HUMAN BEING DOWN
HERE! WHAT IS GOING ON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THIS
WORKER?!>>HELP ME, BERNIE. ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
HOW LONG HAVE THEY PUT YOU DOWN HERE?>>DAYS! WHAT KIND OF OPERATION ARE
YOU RUNNING HERE, STEPHEN?>>Stephen: IT’S CALLED A TALK
SHOW, BERNIE. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SPIN THE
WHEEL?>>I WOULD LOVE TO SPIN THE
WHEEL.>>Stephen: GIVE IT A YANK. WHICH WAY?>>Stephen: ANY WAY YOU WANT. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
“T-SHIRT CANNON!” (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ONE, TWO, THREE! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SARAH
PAULSON! ♪
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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