Are you suffering following a devastating breakup with your ex? Have you been left feeling flaccid and deflated? Unable to concentrate on your daily activities? [Burbling bubbles from hell] [gross, soapy sobbing] Seeing their face everywhere? [the rustling of a man possessed] [gross, garbage-y glubbing] Then order yourself the new breakup buddy from F.A.P.S! [squelchy eye movement] [the pitter patter of tiny feet] “”Wow!”” “”Aaah!”” Your breakup buddy uses “technology” to stop you from thinking about your ex and being such a giant man baby. [intense breathing] No more late-night “take me back” texts for you, mister needy! [shwip – clatter] [intense-r breathing] No time to sit on the sofa feeling sorry for yourself! [the…pitter patter of tiny feet?] [EXTREMELY INTENSE MUSIC] [horrified scream] [pitter patter mofos] [a thudding heartbeat] You’re going on a bike ride! (all hail F.A.P.S) The break-up buddy will help you get out of the house… -Yaaaay- …And fulfil your dreams! [slightly discordant strumming] [a chord is struck. The notes, once disparate, align into something more than the sum of their parts. Something beautiful. Something in harmony. The vibration through space-time brings a tear to a child’s cheek. That child? Mozart.] [light-hearted, twinkly music] It’ll help you forget and move on! You’ve helped me forget and move on. [the smooch] Then my work here is done. [the music falls out of alignment once more] [i start captioning Will’s videos. I think to myself “this is fun!”
And it is. It always is. But somehow I forget that every damn time, there’ll be something I just don’t know how to caption. I mean, how do you caption the break up buddy melting apart from its very core? The love of a man’s life falling apart in his hands with the horrifying sounds of nature itself torn asunder as he looks on, aghast?
How am I meant to do that? What am I supposed to say?] Oh, god!! Are you suffering following a devastating breakup with your ex? …Again? [squelch] [A heart-rending scream] Then order yourself the NEW break-up break up buddy from F.A.P.S! [squelch?] [splatter] [Harsh, tinnitus-like ringing] Call now! [smeary sounds] Hello, and welcome to F.A.P.S.! Um, hello? Hello, and welcome to the end screen. [the disproportionately triumphant trumpets] Thank you for your commitment and perseverance for making it to the end of the video. [dootdootdootdootdootdootdoooooot] Yes. I just wanted to say thank you to Tom for his smashing voice work. [doot doot DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT] –AND I wanted to say thank you to my newest patron, Alex Morris. [it’s DOOT time. DOOT time is my time] Yes, thank you. And if you, like him, would like to help support my videos and get perks in the process then head on over to my Patreon page. [Will enjoys looking at goats a bit too much. Subscribe for more] Right that’s enough. [You think this is some kind of game? This is my town now, laddo] [Poncy voice] I’m leaving!!1 [this is why you fail] this is a mutiny. do not adjust your set [Exits like a loser] subscribe to jamiedoesthings okay subscribe to Will just don’t bell him okay bell him please come back