So Much News, So Little Time: Trump Scandal Lightning Round | The Daily Show

So Much News, So Little Time: Trump Scandal Lightning Round | The Daily Show

If you were keeping up
with the news today, you probably know that it was,
uh, more chaotic than Free Cocaine Day
at Dave & Buster’s. And, personally,
I’m disappointed, because we had
a whole show planned, and it was gonna be
a great show. You know? We figured out
who killed Jeffrey Epstein, but we had
to throw it all out the window because there was so much
breaking news, too much news, in fact. Luckily, though, too much news
is just the right amount of news for a segment we call
Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That. -♪ ♪
-(cheering and applause) If you’re friends
with a government ethics expert and you’re wondering why
their head randomly exploded into little pieces today, it’s probably because
they saw this. President Trump is hosting
a major meeting of world leaders next year at his Miami area
resort and golf property. Next year’s G7 summit
will take place at the Trump National Doral
in Miami. The move is raising questions
about whether hosting this large event at one
of the president’s businesses is a violation of ethics rules. Wow. That is crazy. The president is making
world leaders hold a giant event at his own resort? Like, it really seems
like there’s nothing Trump wouldn’t do
to profit off the presidency. Like, I bet you
he’s gonna be outside his own impeachment trial,
just scalping tickets. He’s gonna be standing outside
there. He’s like, “Tickets, tickets. “Who needs tickets
to my impeachment? “You want some tickets?
Best seats in the house. Come on, y’all.
Right next to me.” And also,
if I was a world leader, I wouldn’t want
to stay at Trump’s resort. I don’t trust him.
I don’t trust him. Like, Trump would probably sneak
into your room to try and find dirt
on Joe Biden. Yeah. He’d just be, like, at the door,
like, “Housekeeping! “Oh, did someone leave
these files on the floor? I’ll get rid of it for you!
Basura. Basura.” (laughter) Now, on a normal day
in a normal presidency, we would spend all our time
talking about how shady it is that Trump is forcing world
leaders to host the G-7 Summit at his golf club
that he makes money from, especially considering
how he always brags about how he doesn’t profit
from the presidency. But today’s not a normal day, and this is not
a normal presidency, because while
he’s inviting foreign leaders to his Miami golf club, American leaders are
storming out of the White House. MAN:
Shortly after a House vote where more than 100 Republicans
joined Democrats condemning the president’s abrupt withdrawal
of U.S. troops from Syria, a heated confrontation
inside the White House. That clash between President
Trump and top Democrats spilling out onto the steps
of the West Wing. I pray for the president
all the time. I think now
we have to pray for his health, because this was
a very serious meltdown on the part of the president. MAN: President Trump hitting
back, accusing Democrats of storming out,
using the same language as Pelosi against her,
tweeting, “She had a total meltdown
in the White House today. “It was very sad to watch.
Pray for her. She is a very sick person.” -(audience groans)
-Aah. Okay. I know you are,
but what am I? (laughter) I like how
when Trump is insulted, he just steals that insult
verbatim with zero shame. Like, maybe
this is how you trick him into getting out
of the White House. You just be like,
“I’m sick of you! I resign.” “No, I’m sick of you. I resign. Aah! Damn it. No.
Wait, wait, wait.” (applause and cheering) Also… also, it’s funny
how they’re fighting, but they both say they’re gonna
pray for each other. You know what they remind me of? They remind me
of those old church ladies who act really nice in public, but then,
pray-insult each other. They’ll be like, “Dear Lord,
please give me the strength “not to whack this fool
up side the head. “And if I did, Jesus, please
give this woman some sense before I whip her ass
like the father she never had!” (laughter) Now when the day started,
it seemed like we were gonna spend all our time
talking about the beef between Trump and the Democrats,
but we didn’t have time to talk about the beef, because then news broke
about the Turkey. MAN:
Breaking news in Turkey. The United States says
it has helped to broker a five-day cease-fire involving Turkish forces
in Northern Syria. Vice President Mike Pence
making that announcement today after meeting with Turkish
president Recep Erdogan. MAN 2: Today in Texas, President
Trump called the cease-fire, “an amazing outcome.” The Kurds are very happy,
Turkey is very happy, the United States is very happy. And you know what? Civilization is very happy. It’s a great thing
for civilization. Yes, civilization is very happy. Centuries from now,
historians will look back at the greatest achievements
of all time– the development of democracy,
the invention of electricity and the time Trump negotiated
a really short cease-fire in a war
that he basically started. Ah, yes,
what a great achievement! (applause and cheering) It’s civilization. And you know what?
If we had the time, we would be discussing
how disingenuous it is of Trump to claim
that this is a peace deal when, in fact,
the Kurds just got screwed over, because the deal is
that they have five days to leave the land,
and then Turkey gets the land. That’s the deal. Yeah.
Doesn’t sound like a deal. Sounds like the kind of deal
I had with my high school bully. I would give him my lunch money, and he would give me
a black eye. Win, win. Yeah. But unfortunately, we don’t have
the time to talk about that. Because while Turkey is getting
the Kurds out of Syria, the Democrats are trying to get
Trump out of the White House. And today, the latest witness
in the impeachment inquiry was dropping bombs like
he was invading the Middle East. In the impeachment inquiry,
Gordon Sondland is a key witness. In his opening statement,
he said President Trump told
U.S. officials to talk directly to his personal lawyer
Rudy Giuliani about U.S. policy in Ukraine. And he said
he didn’t know until later that Giuliani’s agenda included pushing Ukraine
to investigate Joe Biden. And he says
that throughout this time, he was working
to-to get Ukraine to advance an investigation
into corruption, into Burisma. He had no idea
that that meant Joe Biden. He had no idea
that that meant Hunter Biden. (laughing):
Oh. Oh, this is slick from Sondland. He’s now saying that he did
put pressure on Ukraine, but he didn’t know it had
anything to do with Joe Biden. You see what he’s doing. He’s trying to distance himself
from what Trump did. Yeah, he’s basically like, “I didn’t know
it was a bank robbery, guys. “I just went in with my friends,
I gave the bank teller a note, and they gave me the money.” It’s like, “Really? You didn’t
know it was a robbery? Then why were you wearing
a mask?” “I just thought
we were all cold! I thought we were all cold!” I honestly wish we had more time to go through Ambassador
Sondland’s full testimony, because he had a lot to say. But Mick Mulvaney,
Trump’s chief of staff, and Excel spreadsheet
came to life– he came out, and he held
a surprise press conference, and shocked everyone
in the room. We’re following breaking news. A truly stunning admission
from the White House. Acting chief of staff
Mick Mulvaney directly contradicting
President Trump on a quid pro quo with Ukraine, saying hundreds of millions
of dollars in U.S. military aid was tied to an investigation of Democrats
in the 2016 election. MAN: So the demand for an
investigation into the Democrats -was part of the reason that
he ordered… -It was on the… …to withhold funding
to Ukraine? The-the look back
to what happened in 2016 certainly was-was part
of the thing that he was worried about
in corruption with that nation. -And that is absolutely
appropriate. -Withholding the… MAN: What you just described
is a quid pro quo. We do that all the time
with foreign policy. And I have news for everybody.
Get over it. There’s going to be political
influence in foreign policy. Okay, hold up. Hold up. Trump has said
on multiple occasions, “No quid pro quo of any kind.” Now, middle-aged Harry Potter
is coming out saying that there was a certain type
of quid pro quo, but everyone must get over it? That’s it? Just get over it?
Everybody does it? So this is, what–
locker room corruption? Is that what this is? And I’m not gonna lie. This is
a twist I didn’t see coming. Yeah. It’s like the murder
suspect in a Law & Order episode confessing
in the middle of the… just, like,
in the middle of the scene. Just being like, “Yeah,
I committed the double homicide, “but the real question here is, “are you gonna be a little bitch
about it? Huh? “The person is dead.
Ain’t nothing gonna change. Now we gonna eat them or not?
What are we doing?” (applause) So in 24 hours, in 24 hours, we had Trump hosting the G-7
at his golf club, Turkey getting the greatest deal
of all time, no quid pro quo,
but also quid pro quo, a showdown in the White House, and we but didn’t even have time
to tell you that Rick Perry, who is tied
to the whole Ukraine scandal, abruptly resigned today.
And you know what? This might be the true genius
of Donald Trump. ‘Cause you realize
with one scandal, you get kicked out of office. But with seven in one day… ain’t nobody got time for that.


100 thoughts on “So Much News, So Little Time: Trump Scandal Lightning Round | The Daily Show”

  • It is so sad and cruel that everyone is picking on our beloved President. 
    I personally think it is tragic that he had to come to power in a democracy, when all the poor boy wants so badly is to be nothing more than an omnipotent despotical (sic, very very sick) emperor.  
    Maybe we can all chip in and buy him his very own banana republic . . . . living happily ever after in his golden palace in Bananatown . . .
    It behoovers us all to show a little compassion for the handicapped.  The Great Trumpkin obviously is far worse off than the well-known Grinch . . . . whose pea-pickin' heart was tragically two sizes too small.  
    It is painfully obvious that unlike the Grinch, our Mighty Whitey Commander-in-Cheese (Velveeta) was tragically born without any trace of a heart at all  . . . . . but to compound this horrific injustice, his unmatched high-rollin' wizdumbness lacks any semblance of a sense of humor . . . although there is one tiny ray of hope . . . it has been reported that he recently cracked a hilarious gut-busting knee slapper about China investigating Skid Row Joe . . . 
    Hope springs eternal . . .

    And the same abuse pours down in a deluge upon poor old Snooty Rudy . . . . imagine, if you dare, the tragedy of having to spend your life as personal counsel to a humongous humorless hot-air balloon, when it is obvious that Rudy the Beauty was really born to be a birthday clown for the little ones . . . . 
    It seems obvious that the Trumpusorass Orangutanus must dream nightly about electric sheep, Putin on a horse (shirtless with his beautiful long golden locks tossed about hither and yon by the warm summer wind), Stalin, and the Third Reich . . . . but I bet poor Rudy is haunted nightly by his unfulfilled dream of happily twisting up balloon animals for the kiddies in full Bozo regalia . . . .

  • 5:21: Reporter: Ambassador Sondland are you here to salvage your reputation?
    Sondland: I don’t have a reputation to salvage.

    I think he misspoke, but it’s true all the same.

  • Umm, yeah, Trevor, we do have time for that.
    That's all we do have time for. Ending the most corrupt "administration" in our history.

  • Trump merely regurgitates what is said about him onto whomever he needs to bash at the moment. Pelosi has been so masterful at "praying" and "worrying" about him, that it had to rub his ass raw. So, being a textbood NPD, without the ability to create his own thoughts or reflect on his behavior, he spews out to others what is said about him. If you watch almost every accusation he makes is actually a narcissistic confession. I am an expert on these assholes, and it would be hilarious to watch his textbook patterns, if it didn't mean he was ruining our country.

    The other tactic is to admit something as if they have no idea it was wrong. My cheating husband did that shit. "Yeah, I was at dinner the night you had surgery after 5 days of being in the hospital, and yeah, with a woman, so? That is why I was late to see you before the cutting started. It was for work." It is a basic manipulative tactic, admit something, but act as if it is no big deal. People have no idea how crazy-making that is when you live with it. Trump is holding Melania hostage, Stockholm Syndrome.

  • Ubedullah Attarwala says:

    After watching all this, I don't understand, how is he still a president of the most powerful country in the world?

  • You are an idiot. Your followers are delusional. Wake up people to the fact that democrats are liars and have stolen our jobs, our liberty and our respect around the world. We have been laughed at by the world for the way we have allowed our leaders ( Bushes, Clintons, Obamas) to steal our wealth and given it away. Stop being child-like. Do some research rather than getting your talking points from Noah. WAKE UP to the reality you have allowed these democrat crooks to profit from. Please

  • It's bad enough he wanted to hold this at Doral. He's backed off of that but he is still likely to invite Putin if it's still held in this country.

  • It's parody and when the liberal left doesn't criticize Kathy Griffin, The View and the liberal politicians then I don't have an issue. We have a side that is hell bent on encouraging murdering the President, his supporters and police officers. We have "news" sources who have continually lied about the facts. The President shouldn't apologize for a video he didn't make. If, one criticized Obama or said the things about him, many would've been in prison – the only reason would be because he was black…oh wait he's not black…he is biracial. The libs need to get over it, like they tell the rest of us get over it. I thought it was funny, it's parody, it's a joke, it's FAKE.

  • At this point he trying flood the court system, so when everyone fighting on what’s legal and what’s not.. he can get away with treason.. man has 5 years at most left? He just has to drag it along a little longer.. just like all his 100’s of lawsuits that he dragged along..

  • Iva Tarle Coaching and Astrology says:

    Isn't it ridiculous how everyone is making fun of Trump but the clown is still there, continuing the charade. This needs to end

  • Top 5 Trump supporter excuses for Donny-boy's criminality:
    1. "duh der, he didn't do nuthin wrong"
    2. "duh, he ams a business man duh, der"
    3. "he's a different kind of politician"
    4. "what about Hillary's emails"
    5. "oh yeah, well you're a gay libtard"

  • 100 republicans joined with democrats in condemning the Syria troop pullout!
    Yet, Trumptards continue to hail this as a victory!

  • Charlotte Innoecent says:

    You know Pelosi and others are recognizing the obvious signs of dementia trump keeps showing. She's right, he's sick. 25th Amendment time, people!

  • Trump is a 5th grader. At the last election, we elected a 5th grader to the highest office in the land.
    Next election: November 2020.
    Be there.

  • Infinitywoke Anon says:

    U nwo demoahitstain puppets crack me up lol !!! An we will keep winning . Ur not even close to a threat to us. We are done trying to red PILL ur pathetic asses.

    U will just become victims as the days go I am becoming more an more fine with that.

    Ps here's a baby bottle for ur indoctrinated incest satanist pedo MoraLESS having msm programmed tears for when u get destroyed in 2020 and on an on till the end of time till u od on all the drugs ur all doing .

    🍼🤣🍼 suck on it u freaks lololol

  • Victoria Powers says:

    Holding that at his own country club he makes money from is definitely an ethics violation.
    Just like you’re not supposed to work on projects at work that may benefit you personally/financially. For example: if you own stocks in a company and your boss asks you to choose which company would best fit the proposed project you’re working on, you have to decline working in that project because of conflicting interests.
    At least I believe that is how it is.

  • i still cannot understand how we got to this point. one day, several years ago, this random person, that was more infamous than famous and that people weren't really giving him much thought decided that he will try to run for president. then a large number of people with the brain capacity of a pineapple agreed that it seemed like a good idea. and then shit hit the fan. and then the diarrhea kept hitting the fan that has started spinning even quicker.

    years from now, historians will be like "so, how about we all pretend that this 4-8 year period doesn't even exist?" and that is only if the oompa loompa doesn't burn everything to the ground.

    and i still cannot decide if he is that stupid, that narcissistic, that delusional of a human (arguable) being with a single digit IQ or if he is, deep down inside, a cunning sociopath, who is playing the long game, where "there is no bad publicity" and when he walks away from his stunt as a president, he 1. got to watch the world burn and 2. got the lifelong bragging rights of "come and stay at the resort of a former president".

  • Trump is just projecting. Like constantly, his accusations towards his opponents are always the very same things he is in trouble for… what a child.

  • He learned it is very useful to hide cameras to gather info and blackmail material, at his own resort. Where did he learn such a thing?

  • Republicans need to stop sucking trump cock and flush him down the toilet already. He’s gonna send them all to jail/hell and they’re just right along with it. No morals. No backbone.

  • مايك سليم says:

    Thank you to the United States for the destruction of Iraq and the killing of a third of the people and looting the monuments of civilization and bombed us bombs and say America helps countries and deceive the people We do so and so and say about us we are terrorists Let me tell you something this war and the presence of the Koran I am devoured in the popular resistance in Iraq. You know what we found at Daesh. We have found a Russian and American weapon of all kinds.

  • Florian Brandenburg says:

    this reminds me of mr burns at the doctor. "you have every disease, even new ones we jsut discoved … inside you. one of them would kill you but they block each other"

  • I swear to God most all the politicians in our country are not even at teenage level. I mean I used to consider them teenagers but I think they're going backwards in their development!
    Good Lord we need some adults in the room!

  • Someone made the statement it was a comedian I wish I could remember his name. He said the problem with Trump is that he thinks he bought America. Like a business.
    He doesn't even look at himself as a president, he's running a business. And I kind of have to agree, I think that might be the main problem here.
    Because I disagree with people when they say Trump is stupid. Trump is not stupid. Clueless but not stupid! That's what makes him dangerous! Oh and beside the fact that he's got his head so far up Bibi Netanyahu's ass that he can see daylight!

  • If he volunteered to host the meeting at his resort, free of charge, then I wouldn’t see a problem with it tbh. But making a profit from it seems like a conflict of interest to me. 🤷🏾‍♀️

  • Nancy should trick him by saying she's " sick of him that she resigns! " that'd be great if he tweet back saying he is sick of her and he resigns!
    "Ya we RoBbed the bank, get over it! "

  • Show me proof of any 'Trump Scandal' because there is none. 0 proof of any Trump scandal, Russian collusion or anything. trump is the only President in recent memory who has stuck up for the United States. He has saved the country billions of dollars , bought back American made industrys and much much more. so next time you want to put down your President, think about what any other President has done for you, then look at trumps achievements. Your achievements as a country.

  • We lose our democracy when elections are up for sale to
    foreign governments.  If Russia knows our
    president will drop sanctions against them for invading countries like Ukraine,
    they will have their KGB type operatives hack American security measures to try
    and dig up dirt on opponents in elections for presidential and congressional
    races that may be helpful to them.  If
    China  knows it can get better trade
    deals or not be sanctioned for stealing our intellectual property, they will
    likewise have a huge incentive to use cyber warefare in America to dig up dirt
    on opponents to get their perfered candidates elected.  I was in Washington D. C.  a few days ago and a person I spoke with questioned
    whether  the Trump Administration is
    seriously trying to prevent cyber attacks from foreign countries. Trump's acts
    are not only unconstitutional, they will destroy the democracy so many
    Americans fought and died for.

  • Donnie Douchebag and that motherfucking Putin have set America back 20 years, in regard to free elections, our ally's trust,  and an insurmountable deficit due to tax cuts for the rich.  Fuck Trump's pockmarked ugly face!  And fuck his minority electorate.  Your guns ain't gonna do any good, losers.  So shove that AR .556 up your sphinctered little shithole.

  • Don't know why the first part (U.S. leader) reminded me of Humperdoo (the show 'Preacher') reacting to dem. walking out, or his his behavior on a whole. Just Humperdoo…

  • its amazing how he is able to continue doing things in his own favor and people still can't come together to go through with his impeachment

  • Enough is enough when are the Democrats going to act. I can see beating trump in 2020 is a no brainier, but at what cost? If you brake the law long enough and make it easy for the other party to win an election it's ok. Act or be replaced

  • Trump looks at America like a business, he even tried to buy Greenland. Do we set up a GoFundMe to get America back from POTUS? 🤷🏼‍♀️

  • Does anyone else want to see an achievement added to civ 5/6 when you trade with the ottoman empire as america to ceasefire with another civ?

  • In Trump We Trust says:

    Donald Trump is the greatest Us president ever in the history of the USA . may be you wonder why ?

    By the time Obama left office, he was responsible for accumulating more debt than every USA President before him combined. Obama left the country with a debt of $20 trillion. The cost of Obama’s job-crippling regulations exceeded $873 billion. This includes $344 billion in EPA regulations alone. During Obama’s eight years in office, Americans lost 300,000 manufacturing jobs and, a global trade deficit of over $732 billion. This is the horrible, devastating legacy inherited by President Donald J. Trump. Now President Trump. All the doom and gloom above for the everyday American is about to get a whole lot better. Beginning with the stock market attaining record-breaking numbers, exceeding 25,000 points for the first time ever and the fastest 1,000-point gain in the DOW's history. In fact, under President Trump, the DOW reached its 100th record during his election. In one year, President Trump created 400,000 manufacturing jobs reaching a ten-year high . American workers saw the largest increase in wages and benefits over the previous twelve months under President Trump . Unemployment in the USA fell to 3.9%, the lowest level since . The number of job openings hit a record high, actually exceeding the number of unemployed Americans looking for jobs.

  • Ewa Wilczyńska says:

    Just thought that Trump is like a vaccine: he makes USA immune to the scandals, well rather teaches it to ignore them. The problem is that these scandals will add up and really damage the US and the world. Only the people will not care anymore. We will live in a huge sh*#hole and enjoy it. Yey! 🤯🙄🥺

  • All i see here is a bunch of people here arguing one way or the other and contributing to the problem, lets be real Obama was a decent president not the best, Trump is a decent President not the best, but the fact is the American People chose him, and they chose Obama, me personality i voted for both, its the moment when debate becomes, insult and name calling that people lose focus. And both parties are guilty of it in my personal opinion and experience the left more then the right, but either way unite as a people, its okay to have different opinions thats what makes America Great

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