So Much News, So Little Time: Trump Edition | The Daily Show

So Much News, So Little Time: Trump Edition | The Daily Show


This weekend’s
March for Our Lives may have been the biggest news
in terms of quality, but when it comes
to news quantity, nobody beats President Trump. And over the span
of the weekend, Trump made so much news happen that we don’t have the time
to cover it all. Luckily, not enough time
is the perfect amount of time for our recurring segment Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That:
Trump Edition. -♪ ♪
-(cheering and applause) All right, let’s start
with the big news of the day. Trump is getting tough
on Russia. President Trump
ordering the expulsion of 60 Russian diplomats the United States has identified
as intelligence officers. Plus, he’s closing the Russian consulate
in Seattle. The White House says
the move comes in response to the nerve agent attack on a former Russian spy
and his daughter in the U.K. Dozens of Russian diplomats
have been expelled. They will have, by the way, about one week
to get out of this country. One week? That’s not a lot of time
to cram all your poisonings in. Yeah, I mean,
now with this deadline, Russians are gonna be
running around like perfume salespeople
at Macy’s. Just gonna be like,
“You’re dead. You’re dead. “You’re dead.
You’re dead. You’re dead. Nerve Gas by Kremlin.” (laughter) You know why Trump probably
did this, though, right? Someone told him. They’re like,
“Sir, if you sign this, everyone working for Russia
has to leave the U.S.” And he was like, “Yay, I’m free! Putin, I’m coming home, baby!” It’s like, “No, not you, sir.” “Oh, damn it. Stuck.” Oh, and before
he kicked out the Russians, Trump also got rid of
his national security advisor, H.R. McMaster, and replaced him with elderly Lorax John Bolton. Now, for many people,
for many people, Bolton taking over for McMaster
is terrifying, because unlike McMaster, Bolton is horny for war
with North Korea and Iran, and he’s one
of the very few people left who still thinks
the Iraq War was a good idea. Yeah. So, now, w-we could talk about how Bolton’s policies
could throw America into a never-ending spiral
of unwinnable wars, but we don’t really have
the time, because thanks
to another Trump decision, America is actually
gonna have fewer troops. President Trump
has issued an order banning transgender people
from serving in the military except under
“limited circumstances.” You know, I’m not gonna lie. I really don’t understand
this decision. I mean, if you’re looking
for brave people to join the military, you don’t have to look
any further than trans people. Like, you think it takes guts
to fight in Syria? Try being trans and walking
into a restroom in Alabama. That’s bravery, my friends.
That’s bravery. (cheering and applause) So, so, in the span
of a weekend, transgender soldiers
and Russians are out, Colonel Mustache is in. And if that wasn’t enough, Donald Trump
kept the government open, but he wasn’t happy about it. President Trump signing
that $1.3 trillion spending bill after threatening to veto because his border wall
wasn’t fully funded and there was no fix,
he said, for DACA. The president signing
what was a monster piece of legislation, reluctantly. There are some things
that we should have in the bill. But I say to Congress, I will never sign
another bill like this again. I’m not gonna do it again. Aw. Sucks when people
make you do something you don’t want to do, Donald.
Aw. It’s funny how Trump sold
himself as the best dealmaker of all time,
but he’s being forced to sign a deal
that he doesn’t like. Yeah, and his big threat
is that he won’t do it again. Yeah. I guess
that’s the kind of negotiating that left him stuck with
Eric and Don Jr. in the divorce. Is that what happened? “All right, fine. I’ll take
those little weirdos this time, but, next divorce,
I’m standing my ground!” Now, unfortunately,
we don’t have the time to talk about how Trump promised
to cut the deficit but instead has spent money
like Lil Wayne at an out-of-network dentist, because the Trump news that’s
been swallowing everything this weekend happened
when the star of your sex dreams sat down with Stormy Daniels to discuss her alleged affair
with Donald Trump. And, my friends, it was creepy. -You had sex with him?
-Yes. It started off, uh,
all about him. Just talking about himself.
And he’s like, uh, “Have you seen my new magazine?” And I was like, “Someone
should take that magazine and spank you with it.”
And I was like, “Turn around. Drop ’em.” And I just gave him
a couple swats. This was done
in a j-joking manner? Yes. And, uh,
from that moment on, he was
a completely different person. -How so?
-He quit talking about himself and he asked me things
and I asked him things and it just became, like,
you know, more appropriate. Ew. Donald Trump likes
to be spanked? I did not need to know that. And you know
what makes it weirder is that, when he’s spanked, he becomes a
nice guy and starts opening up. You know Bob Mueller is watching
this interview, right? You know that.
And now he’s gonna walk into the interrogation room
with a rolled-up magazine, like, “Okay, Donald,
time to talk about Russia.” (cheering and applause) Donald’s gonna be like,
“It started with– ow– “a meeting– ow– “at Trump Tow– ow! I’ve been a bad boy.”

Author:

100 thoughts on “So Much News, So Little Time: Trump Edition | The Daily Show”

  • Cheap shots! Come on Trevor, if there's nothing to talk about then say, "there's nothing to talk about." I hate trump like no ones business but there are issues going on in the world that your team COULD be writing about. Just sayin'.

  • W—T—F?!! Thanks to gullible conservative morons, and Putin, we went from Obama, to having a deranged fuckin' freaknik for president!

  • substitute life says:

    oh yess our countrys Military is at risk and weaker because Trump does NOT want ALL those Trans people being part of the Military. 😂😂😂 oh wait almost 100℅ of TRANS people have NO intention or Desire to be part of the Military. and the TRANS population across country is so insignificant to overall population WE should not even be talking about this dumb shit!!!

  • No dude, that is NOT bravery. Bravery is putting yourself in harms way in either defense of, or in service to others.

    This is attention seeking from those who does not care about the difference between good and bad attention. Not surprising at all from a group of people who actively seek victimization is an integral intentional part of their culture.

  • Trump is the master of deception. He gets away with everything! I'm amazed and appalled by the stupidity of people now.

  • Elna Bjelland-Hughes says:

    You’re an idiot get off the TV and start showing respect for our president Trump! You think you’re funny but you’re not. You’re just another liberal idiot.

  • “Being transgender and going to a bathroom in Alabama.” Being anyone but white in Alabama is brave!!! Truth Trever!!

  • Transgender existed way before even ancestors of Trump were born. Why is he punishing them,who have sacrificed their lives to serve in the military. As a 5 times draft evader,he is unfit to be the commander-in-chief and should not be issuing an executive order to ban them. Meanwhile,he spent too much time golfing that requires extra security expenditures almost every weekend. What a hyprocrite,he turns out to be! Unfortunately,the elected lawmakers in Senate and Congress and the military made no efforts to oppose his discriminating actions against transgenders.who have been serving the military well for decades.

  • Dimiter Natchev says:

    Transgender people as well as gays, lesbians, etc should not be accepted in the army because they are psychologically unstable.

  • Trump is a dotard. Like a 4 years old kid.
    And White House is a global laughing stock.
    This is so much fun to watch.
    I am going to vote for him in 2020.

  • This really kinda ticked me off and disappointed me in Trevor. One of, if not THE, biggest demonstration in D.C. history happened on Saturday. But because Trump did a bunch of shit, probably to distract, Noah focused on all the shit. That march was incredible, and newsworthy. This Trump shit is frankly old hat! As Willow used to say "Bored now."

  • lol. not a fan of spankings. not a fan of trump. but this is ridiculous. i cannot separate porn star/prostitute. never paid for it, but i would imagine that a professional would start things assuming what a client would want

  • Normaly i'm agreeing with most of what Trevor says but if he meant his comment on going to toilet as a trans in Alabama is braver than being a Soldier in Syria than i have to disagree.

  • These comments really show the direction our country is heading! There are no such things as morals anymore. Just a bunch of God defying sissies!

  • Как же вы заебали со своим лицемерием. Такое чувство что смотрю Киселева на Россия24 но теперь со смехуёчьками.

  • William Ridge Sr. says:

    trump's wall, a monument to his stupidity. trump is still pushing for his stupid wall to keep the paranoia up for his ignorant sheep. They are afraid the Mexicans are going to come in, take their crappy jobs, and eat up all the guacamole.

  • trump hired a Bolton, now we just gotta let Boltons do what is in their nature. stab their bosses in the back and murder their entire family at a fancy dinner party.ill make sure to tune in for all the formal whitehouse gatherings and press conferences. heads will fly now

  • Never in history could we make so much fun of our president… gosh dammit how embarrassing! Haha I love the endless comedy but this shit is fucked up in 2018 America!! Hahaha

  • Jahfari Coumarbatch says:

    i spent all of last week waiting for stormy's interview, but as i think is the case with most of liberal america i was disappointed

  • Julian Santana says:

    This guy isn't even close to being funny… Comedy Central needs to fire him or just let me know when South Park is on…

  • Why is it bravery? You look like the gender you want to look like. Nobody knows the difference… Unless there is a scarlet letter T nobody's told me about? 🤔

  • solmon hancock says:

    Oh ya totally. Walking into a females bath room dressed as a woman takes sooooo much more courage than fighting, killing, and possibly being killed or severly injured in battle. Digusting the applause that remark got.

  • I'm not a Trump fan…but, he is the president….would like to see him impeached…lot's of shit he has done…

  • Was clinton force to resign for his affair? Then why is this humiliating story keeps unfolding (i know we love it) but isnt this proof enough he needs to resign?

  • Sheila Taylor says:

    We need to stay focused on Jesus. Whos. Is The King of all kngs. if we watch God as much as We watched trump Evebody would we saved even Google!!

  • Real intelligence is making the complicated simple, not the simple complicated, thank you for simplifying the presidency of Donald Trump, I was getting confused between the ism of give a man a fish feed him for a day, teach him how to fish and feed him for a lifetime. You are doing a great job of "feeding me simple fish". Speaking of simple fish, is one fish two fish red fish blue fish? A nursery rhyme or is it a palendrome that is really the iverse mirror image of blue fish red fish, two fish, one fish, which could be, a complete life philosophy based on metre and alliteration?

  • With little notice, President Donald Trump recently signed an executive order that advocates say rolls back hard-fought victories for women in the workplace. Tuesday's "Equal Pay Day" — which highlights the wage disparity between men and women — is the perfect time to draw more attention to the president's action, activists say. On March 27, Trump revoked the 2014 Fair Pay and Safe Workplaces order then-President Barack Obama put in place to ensure that companies with federal contracts comply with 14 labor and civil rights laws. The Fair Pay order was put in place after a 2010 Government Accountability Office investigation showed that companies with rampant violations were being awarded millions in federal contracts. In an attempt to keep the worst violators from receiving taxpayer dollars, the Fair Pay order included two rules that impacted women workers: paycheck transparency and a ban on forced arbitration clauses for sexual harassment, sexual assault or discrimination claims. Noreen Farrell, director of the anti-sex discrimination law firm Equal Rights Advocates, said Trump went "on the attack against workers and taxpayers." "We have an executive order that essentially forces women to pay to keep companies in business that discrimination against them, with their own tax dollars," said Farrell. "It's an outrage." Out of the 50 worst wage theft violators that GAO examined between 2005-2009, 60 percent had been awarded federal contracts after being penalized by the Department of Labor's Wage and Hour Division. Similar violation rates were tracked through the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) and the National Labor Relations Board. Now isn't that order very consistent with the sexual criminal confessions we all heard not once. but on two separate occasions during the Axis Hollywood bus. previous to that during his interview with Howard Stern. Former prosecutor Gov. FBI director Giuliani. Said those audiotaped criminal confessions were nothing more than locker room talk. Not according to criminal psychologist brain specialist those audiotaped criminal confessions were much more consistent with a jailhouse confession from one inmate to another. Or a prison reminiscence from one convict to another who are living out there sentencing in protective custody, for sexual crimes are classified as the weakest form of criminal conduct. Not to mention any other prosecutor in the country would take two audiotaped criminal confessions as enough evidence to prosecute. And then when you have 14 witnesses come forward and validate everything that was on those audiotaped criminal confessions.Would be enough evidence to convince any judge of a conviction. Well any judge except for that desperate week insecure impulsive poor specimen of a female judge that goes on and on about how great it is being a submissive trumpet blower. And you wonder why America has the highest violent crime rate in the world. You wonder why America has the highest drug addiction alcohol dependency in the world. And you wonder why America has the most overfed undernourished people in existence. is not all gloom and doom. We can deal with this situation. As a people as physically fit mentally sound and spiritually balanced Americans. At the same time we are dealing with the situation in life. Subconsciously spiritually there souls and spirits are being implemented with, all the pain suffering disease sickness illness torment and hunger that has been allowed to occur over the years manifesting into what it is today. Thanks to incompetent lazy ignorant reckless negligent vindictive criminal leaders supporters employees employers. And now going to get far worse if Donald Trump his submissive trumpet blowers desperately impulsive employees have their way. Now let us thank our heavenly father for allowing Ronald Reagan Donald Trump supporters followers employees like-minded people for subconsciously: coherently apparently volunteering their soul and spirit to function similar to an air purifier water filtration system steam cleaner rubber gloves sponge shield bedpan urinal ass wipes blowup doll. But plug tampon maxi pad diaper jump rope ankle weights wrist weights weighted vest punching bag so forth and so on. Etc. etc. and that is the short list of how their souls and spirits are being treated. Before we get into how their souls and spirits are going to be implemented with all the pain suffering disease sickness illness torment and hunger that has occurred over the years manifesting into what it is today. Keep in mind my submissive trumpet blowers the soul and spirit can endour one up to billions of years worth of pain suffering disease sickness illness torment and hunger .that is just a sample Of the miraculous power of spirituality eternal authority that exist beyond your comprehension for your life cannot commonly comprehend things past your life's expectancy. Now I wish and pray for my soul and spirit to be held spiritually accountable to the statements I proclaim. I guarantee you will never hear another body leader person of legal authority ever validate the statements they proclaim with that level of certainty. If the sun the father the Holy Spirit God the devil Lord Jesus or anyone else with true eternal power and authority over life and death. Felt differently about the statements on proclaiming the had four separate opportunities to keep me dead and silent. The bottom line is you're either part of the problem are part of the solution when it comes to equality between a man and a woman as well as respecting another persons physical freedom. See a dominant gentleman knows how to intelligently persuade passionately convincing a woman to have the desire to willingly want to share themselves romantically. your part of the problem are solution. Either way your being held spiritually accountable. One way comes with a pleasant form of rehabilitation physically mentally spiritually. And the other way is the opposite of the first way. Again I wish and pray for my soul and spirit to be held spiritually accountable to the statements I proclaim. I guarantee you will never hear another body leader person of legal authority ever validate the statements they proclaim with that level of certainty. One reason they don't know themselves therefore they have NO respect for themselves and can't respect others. Secondly is because they are not willing to hold themselves accountable to the way they live their life to the laws the put in place. For the laws they put in place will greatly influence whether you live and die Feeling accomplished being at peace. The bottom line is Donald Trump has been clinically diagnosed by scientists criminal psychologist brain specialist! Leading physicians As being physically and mentally submissive! To fill that massive void a weakness) His plan to stay on the top! Is by keeping the bottom sick week desperate hungry and malnourished and poor by recirculating dirty low-paying jobs that come from outdated power sources inferior materials and toxic substances. That have lived out there usefulness for they have been classified scientifically as petrified death! More commonly known as coal oil and gas dirtiest of all sand oil. Along with other toxic pesticides! Chemicals that never changed their killing composition. You cannot promote life by using a substance that diminishes the quality of our air water food and landscapes. Dirty low-paying jobs very few at that however will have a negative effect on hundreds of millions for only God knows how many generations dirty low-paying jobs that diminish the quality of our air water food and landscapes with the potential of causing environmental collapse there is no profit to be made in the demise of the planet businessman my ass! Just look at the BP oil spill. The man-made water crisis situation in Flint Michigan. The man-made water crisis situation at the military base known as Camp Lejeune in North Carolina. The fly ash spill that occurred from Duke Power in North Carolina. Those are a few examples. . . Of the irreversible damage that comes from working with outdated power sources inferior materials toxic substances. That have been scientifically classified spiritually validated as being physically mentally useless therefore have no true value spiritually. Now a dominant gentleman or lady that knows how to demonstrate high-class sophistication which is femininity at its finest!! for it is raw wild naturally hard-core organically appealing truly captivating absolutely internal eternally spiritually sought after by the gods and goddesses of the ancient royalty, warrior elite…… knows the best way to stay on the top is by keeping the bottom confidently rising in the most efficient way that is humanly possible, allowing each generation to become stronger smarter healthier happier financially better off. For that possibility of a reality to come full circle. The people must have clean high-paying jobs that used new technology. Allowing the people to fully utilize on advanced self sustainable renewable power sources. New Age top notch materials resources, that you could use this much is you would like or need without leaving any excess toxic waste behind. equally as amazing our products can be) Manufactured mass-produced in state of the art facility's I am talking about clean high-paying jobs from coast-to-coast globally. That improve the quality of life by enhancing maintaining the quality of our air water food and landscapes! Products Imports exports personally professionally To the highest degree of standards. Clean high-paying jobs that will be available every day of the week every week of the month every month of the year. Throughout their life allowing them to have a retirement that they will be healthy and wealthy enough to enjoy. xox XXL=00
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  • Like any traitor to America he knows by getting rid of the Russian the Russians are going to do the same by exiling all the Americans. Who are familiar with the corruption, that is happening in Russia affecting America.

  • Phil Buckhouse says:

    Dodged Vietnam 5 times, yet thinks he knows who should be in the military…..no wonder the rest of the world laughs at us.

  • GEEK & NERD PRIDE !!! says:

    Fun fact if you are male and do not have both of your testicles, you cannot join the military.
    Seriously look up "Medical Conditions That May Prevent You From Joining the Military" or go to https://www.military.com/join-armed-forces/disqualifiers-medical-conditions.html
    towards the bottom under the section "Genitalia"

    I cannot find the reason behind this restriction

  • Jessica Mateos says:

    The first thing I thought of after seeing that stormy Daniel interview was that part in Rock Of Ages. While his wife is singing hit me with your best shot in a church, he's in the preachers office having his assistant smack his ass, pretty sure he was a politician of some sort.

  • Okay so knowing what we know about how little trump is capable of reading in one sitting I look at that FAAAAT stack, hear him talking about vetoes…. there's no way he read past the title.

  • Well Trevor its not quite correct trans people join army because they want their trans sergury to be paid by government, not because they are brave and love their country.

  • Debra Williams says:

    PHARAOH IS BEHAVING EXACTLY AS HOW THE MAFIA WORKS. NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT… CORRUPTED REPUBLICANS ADMINISTRATION DOES NOT LIKE TO SAY THE TRUTH, BECAUSE THEY ARE COWARDS VERY CORRUPTED FULL OF LIES.

  • Can I just say how much I love this segment? The flood of news about the President is overwhelming but he's trying to keep us in the loop. Thank you.

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