Sandra Bernhard is on Fire!

Sandra Bernhard is on Fire!

(upbeat music) (audience cheering) We love our first guest. She’s on Pose, she’s got a serious radio show which I happen to like, it’s called Sandyland, she’s not on enough, I have to ask her why, she’s also performing at Joe’s Pub for the holiday. She does this on a regular basis, the Joe’s for the holidays. Please welcome Sandra Bernhard. (audience cheering) (upbeat music) Hey, girl. Hey. I missed you. Mwah. Good to see you. (audience cheering) All right. First, the shoe cam, and then we’ll get into everything else. Oh okay, yeah. Okay! Oh wait. They’re a little witchy! They’re witchy. I like them! Marc Jacobs! Oh wait, they go all the way up! Wait now, lift. Marc Jacobs. Yes! Nice. We’re giving you Stevie Nicks Yes! It is witchy. We’re creating some sort of a witchy, fabulous, No, it’s really comfortable looking. It is comfortable. Yeah. Hi, honey. I’m so glad, it’s been way too long. Okay so something about you and now you’re scaring me. Why? Because you work Joe’s Pub every New Year’s Eve. Well, I do six nights. No, but you’re there on New Year’s Eve as well. I am there on New Year’s Eve. And the reason why you’re there on New Year’s Eve? Because
Here’s what she says Because if you work Dammit. The last day of the year, the last night of the year, you’ll work the entire New Year. So that’s been my superstition in this business for years. No, but now you injected it in my head. But you don’t, honey you’re working! Not on New Year’s Eve! You don’t need to, sweetheart. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I got no guarantees like you do. No, no, no. But my thing is is that work is relative to what? Like if I empty the dish washer, Okay! That’s, that’s (stuttering) Make some more canopies and invite people over and serve. That counts. You worked. Yes, exactly! Whatever you want to do.
Okay. To make it work for you. Okay. (audience cheers) Woo! Right? I am Everybody’s working in their own way. I say this about your hair all the time, I can’t believe it’s so dense. That’s all your hair. No I have some pieces in. Oh you have pieces in there. Yeah. Ricardo, Ricardo Marin is here
They look really good whipsing me up. I can’t believe you’re 64. I can’t either. (audience cheers) Right! Right? All youthful. No scars! Yeah, I was gonna say! And it looks like you got, like you don’t get anything done. I get a little something done, Dr. David Colbert. What do you do?
This is my dermatologist. I get a little tiny bit of filler right around in here, a touch of Botox, I won’t let him put filler in my cheeks anymore. The fillers for your marionette? Yeah. But not on your lips? No. And you don’t get, you don’t get the (stuttering) I get a touch of Botox. A touch.
Of course. Yeah but, you know.
A touch. Haha she says “of course.” A touch of Botox. Don’t we all. Just a little bit of Botox makes the medicine go down. (everyone laughs) And, you know, you always had such a tart, sharp tongue. Like you say it like you mean it and that is that. Yes! That’s right, baby. But they’re saying now that you’re motto is, you’ve pulled back from the bitchiness. I didn’t say that! Okay, well then what is the deal? Well that’s what everybody said once I had, you know, Cicely, this was 22 years ago already. Who’s now 22! Exactly! No she’s 21. She was 19 last time that you were here. That’s right. And you were giving her an 11 o’clock curfew. Well not anymore. Okay, so she can stay out until 3 o’clock in the morning? Well she can stay out all night as long as she texts us and lets us know where she is. Yeah. You know, ’cause you worry about your kids! (audience clapping) I’m sorry! Yeah. I mean, you’re gonna sit here and tell me, as a parent, which I’m sure a lot of you people are, that you never stop worrying about your kids? No, you worry all the time. You’re involved! And if you’re not involved, then You’re not a parent. There’s something wrong with you and that’s why the kids are all messed up! Yeah. (audience laughs) Hello! (audience cheers) So you spent a lot of time being very strict with her and now you just let it go. Do you give her a breathalyzer when she gets in at 3 a.m. or anything like that? No, no. We know what she’s up to. All the kids do a little bit of this, a little bit of that. Oh my gosh. We are so here. You know? Uh huh. And at first I didn’t like it ’cause I am clean. She’s never smoked or drank in her entire life. No, no. She didn’t go through something and then she quit. This is her, natural (mumbles) I don’t like what it does to me. Yeah. You know? So you tried it and then you didn’t like it. Well, I mean I’ve smoked a little weed, you know, but I’ve never done blow, ever. Yeah, yeah. Ever! Not a grain of coke has passed these nostrils. It’s perfect. I’m already naturally too high, and I didn’t want to get that heart rate up. Yeah, yeah well. ‘Cause that scares me. Yeah, yeah. Isn’t it funny when people in our age group still do that, though? Because it’s not funny
Who does? There are some, and I gotta tell you something, you know I suffered through my 20s doing that but that was when I had a younger heart, but now, I’m looking at 55 or 64, when you see people in our age group pull out, you’re like, what the hell? I mean a little weed, fine. But, you know. I mean I don’t go to those parties, hun. Nobody pulls out blow when I’m there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Believe me! ‘Cause I will lower the boom. I haven’t seen it, but I know people who, and I’m just like, we’re all too old for that. You’re gonna catch a heart attack! Yeah, honey! Yes. And they cut it, now, with God knows what.
With all kind of crap. With rat poison and (mumbles) Yeah, so, I don’t know. Do it at your own risk. That’s all I can say. Yeah. I know nobody here does blow. No, of course not. (audience applauds) How did we get into this conversation? The perfect holiday conversation! (audience laughs) So, we always talk about your relationship with Madonna because I still have the shorts that I copied when you girls made these shorts right here. Wasn’t that the best? I copied them. I know. The fit. And I didn’t copy the exact comic stylings on them but I went to M&J Trim. Oh my god. Uh huh! Love that. And I bought all the patches, and I pulled out my sewing kit. Awh! Uh huh! No, like you girls influenced me. Well, you know, I still have those and sometimes when I have mine too! In L.A. and I hold them up and they’re like this on me now. I mean, I can’t even get a leg into them. I was so
Yes you can! No, no. I was so skinny back then. So skinny. I’m like an extra 30 pounds than I was at that point. Was it hard? Or were your born naturally skinny? Yeah! Oh I was always skinny. And that was like something I was very self-conscious about. So, and I like to check up on your guys’ relationship ’cause like you guys are still the ultimate friends. No, you know, Madame X is very busy. Madame X does not have time for me. (audience sighs) Wait a minute. No wait a minute. No wait a minute. (Sandra laughs) I had heard that you guys made up. Oh we made up a long time ago but we’re not in touch. I mean, you know, she’s out on the road, she’s living in Portugal, you know. She has six kids. So? But if you called her right now and said, “Hey I’m comin’ to Portugal,” and she says, “All right, you know I’m here. Do you want to come for dinner?” Oh I would love to! Okay, okay. Yeah, I’d love to catch up with Madame X. Okay, all right. So everything is good. Everything is great
Why do you keep calling her Madame X? That’s her tour! Don’t you follow her on Instagram? Everything now is ‘Madame X is busy,’ ‘Madame X is raising her children.’ Yeah but you’re her friend, so you either call her, Madge, right? Right, no I’m just kidding.
Esther! Isn’t that her Hanukkah name? Yeah. I love you, her Hanukkah name! Or somethin’, her Kabbalah name! (Sandra laughs loudly) Her Kabbalah name. Her Kabbalah name, right? God, you are so good. I like Hannukah name better. You are so good. Are you Kabbalah? Not anymore. Oh you used to be? Yeah! And what happened? I just didn’t like the whole vibe of it. Did they come after you? No, honey! Okay, I’m just asking. No, they’re not, they don’t have their act together. It’s not like Scientology. Oh, okay. Are you a Scientologist? (audience laughs) Oh, sorry. Sorry. No. Sorry. Never. So I listen to the girls on the Andy channel. Yes. I listen to, I love Michelle Collins, I love Jenny McCarthy, I love when I catch you, but why don’t I catch you? Like what
Because I cut back to one day a week, Thursdays at 1 p.m. Eastern Time. Why? Because I was shooting Pose! So? I couldn’t do it anymore! Multitask! Honey, I can’t do that, no. Why? You’ve got a stable relationship of twenty years, your daughter is away at college, staying out. Well, I know, but I can’t memorize those lines. Are you exhausted? Not now, I’m not. (audience laughs) I’m not shooting Pose and I’m doing my radio show once a week. Why bust my ass? I mean, really. I know you like to be busy every minute of the day. No, no, no, no, I’m pressuring you because, you know what?
No! When I get to be 64, I’m not bustin’ my ass either. No! Please don’t!
Like this is gold right here. You leave the house when you want. Well, I still gotta make money, you know. Yeah but I bet you’re a good favor. I’ve saved the first nickel I made as a manicurist, when I was a manicurist in Beverly Hills. I still have that money.
Let me see your nails. No (mumbles) today.
What happened? What happened? Honey, I didn’t have time for my nails! The shoemaker, you’ve never had shoes. What the
I do. I do my
What the hell! Well, I was rippin’ and runnin’, honey. I didn’t have time for these nails today, too on top, you want me to do, It’s one coat and go! I know, I should have. Forgive me! I did not pay the nail dues to the mistress of nails. But I see you’re not doing those big extensions anymore. No I don’t do that. I also do my own nails. Well? I think the last time I was at the manicure was when I was with you!
Was when you were with me! (everyone laughs) Look. Yes? You are a goal. Thank you, baby. You’re so funny, and you’re so entertaining.
I love you. And you never fail to deliver when you come here. The audience loves you, I love them!
People love this girl. I love them. For more information about Sandra’s holiday show at Joe’s Pub, go to (upbeat music)


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