-The news isn’t my favorite. I don’t check the news
that much. But, I do think,
every once in a while, we should check in
on what’s happening in the world, you know? And that’s why it’s time
for a little segment I like to call “Sad News.” [ News theme plays ] [ “Taps” plays ]
[ Laughter ] So with the help of —
You like that? Did you like that?
You liked that, yeah. So with the help of my lovely
guests Katy and Tituss, we’re going to read some
absolutely real headlines. But please, prepare yourself, because these are really
very sad. [ Clears throat ] ♪♪
[ Sighs ] -[ Chuckles ] -Sad news. A man brought an emotional
support clown to his own firing. The clown made balloon animals
throughout the meeting and mimed crying when the man
was handed his pink slip. [ Laughter ] -Sad news. A government official
was pooped on by pigeons in the middle of an interview about getting pooped on
by pigeons. [ Laughter ] -Sad news.
-[ Laughs ] -Research — researchers say using your phone on the toilet
will give you hemorrhoids. [ Laughter ] -Sad news. A family’s vacation home was invaded by dozens
of vomiting vultures. [ Laughter ] The family described
the smell as “a thousand rotting corpses.” [ Laughter ] -Sad news. Male sex dolls will soon be
for sale, but at 125 pounds are too heavy
for most people to move. [ Laughter ] -I’ll be able to move them.
[ Laughter ] -Sad news. A Florida woman freed herself
from a camel by biting its testicles after she crawled
into the animal’s pen, and the camel sat on her.
[ Laughter ] -Who hasn’t that
happened to, though? [ Laughter ] Sad news. Portland Police say they’re not
allowed to stop people from pooping in the street. [ Light laughter ] -Sad news. A man threw a tortilla 54’5″ and broke the world record. [ Light laughter ]
Hmm. -Sad news. A man was infuriated when his wife received
a Subway sandwich that had the word “bitch”
written on it… [ Laughter ]
…only to discover that they’d written “B.L.T.C.H.” for BLT with cheese. [ Laughter ] -And finally, sad news. A woman in a Pennsylvania
Walmart turned herself in after being caught on camera peeing on a pile of potatoes. [ Light laughter ] -Very sad. -I’m destroyed. -That was “Sad News,” everyone.
[ Laughs ]