*Intro theme* Chip: Tonight “News To Me” is proud to present a special presentation honoring a very special presenter of the news, who is especially precious and presently present: Chip Chapley. When a stipulation in your contract states that the network either has to give you a 20% raise or an entire episode dedicated to massaging your ego, well that’s news to me. Good evening America, I’m Chip Chapley. Tonight we’re going to go on a journey, a journey into me. And the destination? Chip Chapley! We begin with a look at some of my favorite clips from this year. It’s time for “Chip Chapley’s Clips Fastly”. *Engine revving, rock music* Good evening America, I’m Chip Chapley. Man: Yes, Chip.
Woman: That’s right, Chip. Chip: Chip’s Trips!
Man: Come on now, Chip! Woman: Back to you, Chip.
It does, Chip. Chip.
Chip. I’m Chip Chapley. *Music ends*
That really says it all, doesn’t it? If there’s one thing that being an award winning news man has taught me, it’s that I have a lot of wisdom. And the wisest thing you can do is help others learn. And if there’s only one thing I’ve learned, it’s all knowledge. It’s time for “Chip’s Tips!” Chip’s Tip number one: If your moustache gets accidentally burned off at a barbeque, save face with a temporary ‘stache. Try using dry leaves, barbeque sauce, or a hotdog. Chip’s Tip number two: Prostitutes are cheaper by the hour than licensed therapists, and it’s okay just to talk to them. Chip’s Tip number three: You can’t make someone love you. You just can’t. Can you Dad? I bet you feel smarter, don’t you? Well hold onto your brain-ass, because here’s a bonus Chip’s Tip! if you’re running a marathon, put band-aids on your nipples to prevent chafing. This is also a great tip if you cut yourself while shaving your chest hair to make it look like each of your nipples has a little moustache. That’s it for Chip’s Nip Tips Who is Chip Chapley? Is he a finely coiffed head of stunning hair? A supremely groomed macheesmo soaked moustache? A name so sharp you could use it to cut a diamond into smaller diamonds? No, those things are just the handsome and charismatic costume I wear in order to more effectively bring you the news. In fact, Chip Chapley isn’t even my real name. Please enjoy this clip from my earliest days as a newsman. Good morning Citytropolis High. I’m Lionel Poopsnfartz. Today in the cafeteria, they’ll be serving meatcakes and meatjuice with corn parts, so if you brought your lunch, congratulations. Teacher: *Sigh* Lionel, you’ve got real potential as a newsman. Your moustache is even starting to come in! Lionel: Thanks Mr. Teachman! Teacher: But you’re never going to get anywhere in broadcasting with a name like “Lionel Poopsnfartz.” You need to think of something snippy, something snappy. Lionel: Like “Snip Snapley?” Teacher: Eh, not quite, but you’re on the right track. Lionel: “Right Trackley?” Teacher: No no, that’s much worse. Keep trying, you’ll think of it eventually. Lionel: Good morning Citytropolis High, I’m “Think Ventually.” Yesterday’s meatcakes have sent a record number of students to the nurse with projectile vomiting, and turned the bathrooms into a veritable warzone. Now in the bathroom is field reporter Abbigail Babbigail. Abbigail? *Sounds of vomiting, Abigail cries out* Chip: I think, eventually, that young man settled on a different name. As to whatever happened to Abigail Babigail? I have no idea. Who cares? Segments! They’re the reason I say several things in a row relating to one topic, and they’re great. But like all great things, sometimes they’re terrible. Here’s a tribute to my favorite cancelled segments from News To Me’s past. *Happy electric guitar music* *Music ends* Careers. They’re like a job, but longer. Throughout my career, I’ve interviewed presidents and popes, celebrities and serial killers. I’ve met thousands of fascinating people and told you their stories, but none of them have actually met me. None of them know my story. Do I even know it? *Sigh* This will be my final News To Me broadcast as Chip Chapley. *Clears throat* Good evening America. I’m Lionel Poopsnfartz. Wow! This is liberating! I feel like I can breathe for the first time- Yeah, this is my contract. So what? Yadda yadda “The talent heretofore referred to as Chip Chapley” blah blah blah “Trademark wholly owned by the News To Me corporation” et cetera et cetera “will forfeit all earnings retroactively?” This says if I don’t continue to be Chip Chapley I have to repay my salary? From the last 20 years? With interest? Aw, gah, come on now why’d ya, aww, I can’t even… Well I guess there’s only one thing I can do. *Clears throat again* Welcome back, I’m Chip Chapley, and if I’m gonna be held hostage by my contract and forced to put on a fake face, a fake voice, and read you the fake news, just so that I don’t go to debter’s prison, well, that’s news to me. Goodnight everybody. *Theme song* Hi, this is Chip Chapley. This is the final episode of News To Me. No, don’t cry because it’s over. Smile, because we shared this time together, and because I got rich. And if you want more News To Me, make sure you click the link in the description and become a fan of my facebook page and demand more News To Me!