Tonight, reverse furries! Animals that dress up as humans are getting jobs, buying homes and settling down. Could you be married to a gazelle and not even know it? States. Are there too many of them? One lawmaker thinks so, and he’s proposing a radical new, map for the USA. All of this and more on tonight’s, News To Me. When global conflicts can’t be summed up with a trending hashtag, well that’s “News To Me”. Good evening America I’m Chip Chapley. Dennis Travers anslee(can’t see) of Knoxville, Tennessee who entered into a coma at age five has awoken after nearly 30 years. He told his doctors “I’m a big grown-up now! I have muscles! I’m going to marry a dinosaur and be the president!” Hey he’s got my vote. In culinary news, a new french restaurant is making waves by serving food that tastes terrible going down, but tastes great coming up. Le Bebe Oiseau is the brainchild of Master Chef Pierre Jean bon Jou and a crow named Gus. When reached for comment, Gus simply said, “bawk” In tragic news Wide Kerning kills three at a slow reading contest. What? Women some people are one some would say it’s almost half of everybody Others would argue it’s nearly 50% The science is still out, but what’s for certain is women are here to stay. Here to discuss the issues that face women in America today are the members of the Senate Judiciary Committee on Women’s Issues. Gentlemen, welcome. All:Thank you Chip What are the most pressuring issues facing women in America? Nothing that I can think of! Interesting, so… What is the purpose of your committee? it’s a “PC” thing you know, if there’s gonna be a Men’s Rights Committee there has to be a lady version the blah, blah, blah liberal garbage hmm, i can’t help but notice That there aren’t, any women in your group Well you see, we wanted to make quick decisions without being Emotionally encumbered like a bitch women tend to overthink the simple issues Uh-huh joining us now, is news to me, on Abby babble Abbey you’re a woman, right? That i am, Chip And as a woman I am deeply concerned that these men are- Ah, come on now, Chip Control your woman She’s hysterical … That these men are Legislating On women’s issues, like health care When they don’t seem to have a full understanding of a woman’s biology much less- She must be on her monthly Better put all your food in a tree before a bear shows up it attracts bears, you know? Much less the complicated nuances of issues like, safe access to abortions- No-now hold on ah, ah- Bitch We’re only interested in making abortions illegal for those individuals that would abuse the privilege Women specifically Goddamn, right, bitch It’ll always be legal for a man to get an abortion … And coverage for pre-existing conditions with- Pre-existence is before genesis Which means it don’t count! I will not have my religious freedoms Attacked by this tempestuous, Jezebel … With, jesus fucking christ You shriveled sagging ball bags You don’t have a clue, about women or women’s issues Shriveled sagging ball bag is a serious Medical condition that affects Many men today Amen Bitch Which is why I’m sponsoring a new barrel to allocate 1.6 Billion dollars for essential therapeutic testicular tightening and smoothing for sufferers Of ssbb I mean These Octogenarian prune, dicks are deciding, what’s best for women? Ah- I also suffer from pruned dick Ah, Fuck Back to you, Chip No, my fellows are fine Oh, okay, thanks Abby More after this Do you have an old cat? Is it maybe about to be a dead cat? Does that make you sad? With Uncle Schrödinger’s magical cat box You can take the guesswork out of caring for your aging kitty! Just place your geriatric feline friend in our patent-pending Soundproof, smell-proof, airtight and water-resistant bo- Is your cat alive? Maybe Is it dead? Could be! Can you ever be certain? Never! It’s scientifically impossible! With Uncle Schrödinger’s magical cat box You never have to say… goodbye! Just say “Get in the bo-!” Welcome back, I’m Chip Chapley Men and women are very different Or possibly not very different at all. Franklin Roosevelt once said “Men are from mars and women are from Venus.” Women have boobs and men have a penis. Well He was wrong… and stupid And that’s why he’s dead And that’s news to me Good night. Chip Chapley here This just in – not enough people are clicking on links. A nationwide epidemic has found that one in every ten people has not clicked on my Facebook page and become a fan of “News To Me” with Chip Chapley Click the link in the description to stop this nationwide epidemic that could kill your children.