News Smash: Impeachment Debates, SantaCon, Patriots Cheating Scandal, KFC Firewood

News Smash: Impeachment Debates, SantaCon, Patriots Cheating Scandal, KFC Firewood


-Guys, it seems like there’s
so much going on right now. The House began debating
impeachment today. SantaCon is this weekend. [ Cheers and applause ] The Patriots are caught up
in another cheating scandal. And KFC is selling
fried-chicken scented firewood. There’s a lot to go over. So let’s just jump in
and cover it all at once. It’s time for a News Smash. ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -First up, today House Democrats
began debating the articles of impeachment
against Trump. If approved,
they could vote on impeachment as early as next week. Both parties are getting ready
for a fight just like everyone… going to SantaCon. Up to 30,000 drunk partiers
are expected to dress up as Santa for the annual
pub crawl this weekend. So,if you’re planning on going, don’t drink in the streets,
or you’ll get… Busted. The New England Patriots
are being accused of filming the sidelines of a Bengals game
earlier this season. Officials
are still investigating, but Bengals fans think something
stinks, kind of like… KFC’s fried-chicken
scented firewood. Now your whole house can smell
like Kentucky Fried Chicken. Just like…the White House. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] It makes sense. They just want to get
the impeachment vote over with, which is also how New Yorkers
feel about SantaCon. “Let’s get it over with.” Please don’t do
anything inappropriate because there’s cameras
everywhere. If you don’t believe me, just
ask the Cincinnati Bengals, who were taped by the Patriots
for eight full minutes. It’s a bad look for the team who was fined for
a similar scandal back in 2007. Nobody wants another
Deflategate or… another Watergate. Of course, Nixon resigned
before he was impeached because things were heating up and his whole administration
smelled fishy… sort of like this whole thing
with the Patriots. Look, just admit you’re wrong
and pay your fines, ’cause cheating
makes everyone look bad. And you know what else
makes everyone look bad? SantaCon. Sure, it starts out fun,
but before you know it, it’s 4:00 a.m.,
and you’re standing over a trash can
eating KFC firewood. [ Laughter ] So, in conclusion,
time to choose… time to booze… do what you should. Finger-lickin’ wood. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ Come on, dude. Come on, dude. Finger-lickin’ wood, man.
Come on. [ Laughs ]
That’s a…special. Well, earlier tonight,
Trump and Melania hosted two Hanukkah parties
at the White House. Yep, the parties
were actually a little awkward, especially when Trump
walked by a menorah and he blew out the candles
and made a wish. -Ohh. -Trump was planning
on tweeting about the party, but after the 50th attempt
at spelling “Hanukkah,” his iPhone threw itself
into a punch bowl. But Trump is busy.
Last night, he and Mike Pence held a campaign rally
in Hershey, Pennsylvania. Hershey loved having Trump
and Pence, ’cause together, they look like an ad for their white-chocolate
peanut-butter cups. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] But all things considered,
Trump’s speech was a success. I mean, it definitely went
better than the last time he was in the state
and tried to say “Pennsylvania.” -We’ve ended the war on clean,
beautiful, Pennsyl-vanal. [ Laughter ] -Pennsly-vanal? Um… -Ohh. -Today a justice Department
official testified about how the FBI handled
the Russia investigation, and Lindsey Graham read texts between former FBI agents
about Trump. Let’s see how that went. -“Oh, he’s,” Trump, “abysmal.” “God, Trump is
a loathsome human.” “He is an idiot.” “Donald Trump
is an enormous douche.” [ Laughter ] -Meanwhile every Democrat
was like, “I allot my time
to Lindsey Graham. Just keep going.
Just keep going.” Later on in the inquiry,
Senator John Kennedy made some odd claims about how he
felt while reading the report. -I haven’t read
the entire report. I’m about 70%
of the way through, but I’m gonna finish it. After about 15%
of the way through, it made me want to heave. After about 25%
of the way through… I thought I had dropped acid. [ Laughter ] -What?! What? -“At 40%, I felt like
the peyote and the bath salts had kicked in, you know? I’m sorry. What were we talking
about again? Where am I?” -Some 2020 news here. I read that Joe Biden
has privately told staffers if elected president,
he would only serve one term, since he would be 82 years old. He said, “At that point,
I’ll hand things over to my young vice president,
Bernie Sanders.” Well, “Time” magazine
just announced their 2019 Person of the Year, and they chose 16-year-old
climate activist Greta Thunberg. [ Cheers and applause ] Greta famously sailed
across the Atlantic Ocean on a boat with no kitchen,
no showers, and no toilets. And anyone who’s ever been on
a Carnival Cruise was like, “Hey, I did that.
Where’s my award?” Some big sports news.
The New York Yankees just signed pitcher Gerrit Cole to a record-breaking
9-year, $324-million contract. [ Cheers and applause ] He’s so rich, now he can pay a
butler to come out to the mound and adjust his crotch for him. -Oh. -“Yes, would you like
some Gold Bond, sir?” -Tch!
-Some tech news. [ Laughs ] He slapped.
-He snapped it. -Some tech news. Apple —
[ Laughs ] Like, he took off his glove
and like — “Would you like
some Gold Bond, sir?” [ Slap! ] [ Laughter ] -Good game, good game. -Wow. Two balls, no strikes. -All right. There you go. -No. I’m sorry.
Two balls, one strike. One-two.
[ Slap! ] There you go. Some tech news. Some tech news. Apple has a new
Mac Pro computer, and I heard that if you order it
with every available feature, it costs $52,000.
-Whoa. -When he heard that, even Gerrit
Cole was like, “Oh, hell no.” [ Slap! ] Well, I saw that Alaska Airlines
is offering priority seating to passengers
in ugly Christmas sweaters. It’s nice until you’re wearing
a regular sweater and the attendant’s like,
“Oh, you can board. You can definitely board.
You can board first.” And finally, a man in Idaho just
set a Guinness world record for juggling balloons
with his head. The man called it “thrilling,”
while the judge holding a timer called it “the saddest day
of my life.” We have a great show, everybody.

Author:

32 thoughts on “News Smash: Impeachment Debates, SantaCon, Patriots Cheating Scandal, KFC Firewood”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *