News Smash: Democratic Primary, Valentine’s Day, Folding Phone, Carl’s Jr.’s Thickburger

News Smash: Democratic Primary, Valentine’s Day, Folding Phone, Carl’s Jr.’s Thickburger


-Guys, it seems like there’s so much going on right now. The Democratic primary is
in full swing. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. [ Cheering and applause ] What else? Samsung just introduced their new folding phone. I don’t know if you saw that. And Carl’s Jr. Is rolling out its new Thickburger. [ Cheering ]
It has an entire patty of fried cheese. [ Laughter ]
There’s a lot to go over. Let’s just jump in
and cover it all at once. It’s time for a “Newsmash.” [ Suspenseful theme plays ]
[ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪ First up,
the Democratic primary. Right now, Bernie Sanders
is riding high after his big win
in New Hampshire. It looks like voters
are starting to fall in love, which is perfect,
’cause it’s almost Valentine’s Day. [ Laughter ]
It’s the holiday when we celebrate romance,
we exchange chocolates, flowers, and cute cards that open
and close, kinda like Samsung’s new folding phone. [ Laughter ]
It bends like an oldschool
flip phone. When it opens, it’s flat. But when it’s folded — Oh, she thick. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheering
and applause ] Carl’s Jr.’s new big fried
cheese Thickburger is now available and you can mix
and match it with any sides. It’s all a bit much
and people might end up not wanting any of them.
It’s kinda like the Democratic primary. [ Laughter, ohs, and applause ] Joe Biden’s campaign
is really struggling. If he doesn’t turn it
around, fast, he might have to Fold. It might seem
[ Laughter ] like old technology,
but the new Samsung phone costs $1,400. Which is about how much money
you’ll have to pay to get a reservation
on Valentine’s Day. [ Laughter and applause ]
It’ll all be worth it at the end of the night, when you get real close
to that special someone. Unless, of course,
one of you just ate a big fried cheese Thickburger. You need some time to digest. It has over 1,000 calories
and some people are saying eating one
is asking for trouble, just like doing last-minute
shopping at 7-Eleven for Valentine’s Day. [ Laughter and applause ]
Be careful. If you don’t get her
the right gift, she’ll tell you to get Bent. The screen
[ Laughter ] measures 6.7 inches,
which is also the same height as Pete Buttigieg.
[ Laughter ] Rising in the polls, he’s currently placed
at a rock solid Number 2. [ Laughter ]
So, in conclusion, good luck moving on. Good luck turning it on. Good luck gettin’ down. Good luck keeping it down. [ Cheering and applause ] [ Fresh cheering and applause ] That’s right, you guys! Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and, just a word of advice
to any tourists in the audience: If you see a man on Sixth Avenue wearing a diaper
and shooting arrows, that’s not Cupid. [ Laughter ]
That’s right. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day
and you can tell romance is in the air here
in New York City. Earlier today,
I saw a hot dog vendor cutting his health code
violations into little hearts. It was really sweet.
[ Laughter ] Meanwhile, tomorrow,
the temperatures here could be as low as 17°. [ Audience oohs ]
That’s fun, ’cause,
when the mood is right, what’s sexier
than having to take off eight layers of clothes? [ Laughter ]
It’s like, “Hold on a second. Hold on.
Hold on one minute. These are my overwear. These are my underwear,
then my overwear.” [ Laughter ] Back in Washington, not everyone
is in a loving mood. Trump spent the morning attacking Mike Bloomberg
on Twitter and called him
a “mass of dead energy.” [ Laughter and oohs ] When he heard that,
Mike Pence was like, “Hey, that’s my nickname!” [ Laughter ] In response, Bloomberg tweeted
at Trump and said, “Behind your back”
people are laughing at you. Trump called it fake news,
then spent the next hour trying to look behind his own back. [ Laughter ] [ Cheering ]
[as Trump] Who’s laughing?
I can hear laughing. [ Laughter and applause ] Trump is actually
in a lot of fights. Last night, his former
chief of staff John Kelly spoke at an event and harshly
criticized him. Trump then tweeted
about Kelly, saying, “like so many X’s,
he misses the action.” [ Laughter and oohs ]
Ew. Then, all of Trump’s
exes were like, “Trust us,
we don’t miss the action.” [ Laughter ] Some 2020 news. There’s another Democratic
debate next week in Las Vegas. Yep, Pete Buttigieg
w ill spend the week prepping, while Bernie and Biden
will spend three straight nights at the nickel slots. [ Cheering ]
[as Sanders] Jackpot, 75 cents! [ Laughter and applause ] And I saw that the chairman
of the Iowa Democratic Party resigned last night. He actually submitted his
resignation letter in November. We’re just only getting
the results now. [ Laughter, cheering, and ohs ] [ Applause ]
-Okay. Started there. Thank you. Thank you. This is crazy:
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos just bought a house
in California for $165 million. [ Oohing ]
The house has everything: nine acres, two guest houses,
a nine-hole golf course, and best of all, a pretty sweet
above-ground pool. [ Laughter and applause ] And, finally,
this is going viral: A photo of two mice fighting
on a subway platform just won a big
photography award. Take a look at this. [ Laughter ] The photo is so popular,
they’re gonna turn it into a movie called “Stuart Little:
Fight Club Edition.” [ Laughter and applause ]
We have a great show!

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