Never Dating Another Hearing Person Again | Rikki Poynter

Never Dating Another Hearing Person Again | Rikki Poynter

RIKKI POYNTER: Yeah, I’ll be honest, I never
wanted to date another hearing person again. (INTRO MUSIC) Hello, and welcome back to the channel. Today I’m going to be talking
about my dating life and what I wanted after
I got out of my first relationship and eventually, what ends up
happening anyway. I think this is a video that will really
resonate with a lot of deaf people, especially ones that end up being in the
middle of both worlds a lot, so hopefully. If you have not yet, though, please subscribe and make sure to hit that notification bell
after so you get notified after I upload a video. So my first relationship ever was
with a hearing man, and it lasted almost three years. It was a long
distance relationship, and we had met when I was 100% fully
mainstreamed. I really wasn’t in deaf culture
in the community at all. My ASL was zero to none with some water
and ABC’s, right? Well, actually, when we
officially met, like in person, I had already dipped
my toes into the community ’cause it was after I went to LA
for the first time and was involved with deaf people
for the first time. But yeah. So even for that first couple of
months, first year, I was still very oral and
mainstreamed. But since that March 2015, I was learning
more and more ASL, and I was starting to use it more often, and as I started getting more into that
language, more into that community, there was a new part of me
that was just opening up, and I was thinking, OK, I’m gonna need
this person to be onboard with that part of my life. I am hoping that you will also start to learn
and your family gets onboard as well, as time goes on, like if we’re
together longer, that would be nice. (LAUGHS) Oh, hi. So as I’m editing this video, one thing
that I really wanna point out real quick is that my ex was learning ASL,
and he would use it regularly. It was like spotty kind of ASL, but there wasn’t
any real focus to really improve and take classes and really be immersed
into that kind of thing, unless I had to beg or take him with me to
that sort of thing. So yeah. Not expecting fluency, by any means,
’cause I definitely was not fluent and still am very far from it, but just a
little bit here and there was also nice, but also… And there was that little fear
that it was gonna become a problem because then people are
gonna be like, “Oh my god, I have to do this
and that for you.” But we ran
into another problem, right? I need typed communication often. So if I wasn’t understanding something that
was being said and I would ask so and so to type or write
a family member when I would be visiting for like holidays and things like that, two
things would happen for most of the relationship, they would look at
me like, “What?” And they could have been using their phone
just two seconds beforehand, but by the time I was asking, “Hey, could you
type what you just said down.” It was like they had absolutely no idea how to
use a phone anymore. That is so common. And the then second one
would just be… Or it also goes with the first one, they would
just say, “No.” And keep on talking, and I was just like? And this was happening every single time on
both sides of the family. It was so frustrating. I hated being alone. I mean, you could be
completely surrounded at the dinner table,
this is dinner table syndrome, I’ve talked about it before. You could be
surrounded by all the people and you’re supposed to not feel so lonely,
but because of the language barrier, the hearing communication barrier, you are
still alone, regardless. And it sucks because it’s like no one actually
cares about you. They’re ignoring you. I mean, a part of me has
social anxiety, right, so I’m like, please, leave me alone anyways, but a lot of it was just the fact that these
people didn’t wanna put in the effort. Why was I putting in so much effort to try to
communicate with you, to try and understand you, go home with a
migraine and just exhaustion, and you couldn’t even pull up a phone
and type one single sentence, right? And without fail, nearly every single holiday
event would end up with me crying in the bathroom or being in the basement area or just any
other separate room away from them and crying and
then there would be fights, and it was just so frustrating. And I was told that he was asked
or that he said, “You know, I’m afraid that you or her, or blah,
blah, blah, “is going to leave us because of this situation
or this problem.” And now all I can think about is,
why wouldn’t I? (LAUGHS) Why wouldn’t I? I should have done it a long time ago, if I’m
gonna be honest, because why would I wanna put myself
through such disrespect and oppression, ableism, audism,
things like that, why would anyone wanna put themselves
through that? It took two years to finally have someone
write on an iPad. Why is it taking you two years for the bare
single minimum. I don’t know, it’s just so frustrating. And it just kept getting worse and worse ’cause I felt like I had to do this whole thing
over and over again, at least two to three times a year. And I was just done. I was it was part of the
reason why I was just like, OK, I’m out. I’m gone. I’m done with this. And after that, I told myself, don’t
date a hearing person ever again. Maybe a CODA, a child of a deaf adult,
sibling of a deaf adult, because they would know, they get it. Granted, the deaf community does
have issues with CODAs and SODAs, sibling of deaf adult, SODA. It’s so amusing to
me. (LAUGH) But yeah, granted, the deaf community does
have issues with CODAs and SODAs
sometimes…(LAUGHS) I’m sorry, I can’t take that seriously. But at least it was
better than getting into a relationship, or would have been
better than getting into a relationship, with someone who had
zilch experience. Now that’s not to say that all hearing
people with zilch experience of deaf people are gonna be like the people on
the previous scenario because you know you see YouTube
channels going around right now, like Sign Duo for example,
and just other deaf-hearing couples. They’re doing fantastic, to my knowledge. I just this past weekend, a deaf woman
that I met has a hearing husband, I’m pretty sure, and he’s fantastic. He’s
phenomenal. I love him. But it’s very common to experience
what I had experienced, and I didn’t wanna go through that again, especially as I was just becoming
more and more into it. It’s like in the beginning, it was kinda like,
oh, because I was just dipping my toes in, but once you spend more
time with people like you and getting immersed into it, a language
that is so much more accessible to you. Like I said, I’m not fluent.
I’m fluent in English. I’m not fluent in ASL,
but when I was Austin for MazzCon and we had staff meetings and there was
so much ASL that went way over my head, mostly because of speed because, wow, it’s
like Sonic in this living room. It still felt more accessible to me because body language, hand gestures, sometimes
the mouth moving, mouthing the words and stuff, which a lot of
deaf people do now, so that’s helpful. (LAUGHS) But also, OK, I was and I wasn’t totally
scared of asking for help or clarification, or maybe asking somebody else in a room
who’s signing. I understood a little bit more ’cause sign language people had their own accents,
just like speaking spoken language people do… What? But yeah, like some people I will understand
their signing more than other people, and maybe I’ve known them longer so I’ve
seen them longer and it takes a little while to get used to this
brand new person that I met or even… Well, I met all these people for the first time,
really, but some people, it was just easier to understand. But with hearing folks, it was
like the previous situation, I have to ask over and over again, and it just
wasn’t getting anywhere. And I hated it. So yeah, I was done, and
it was probably gonna take longer to get into a new relationship
or whatever because I don’t live… All the deaf people that
tend to surround this particular area are either way too old or way too young, so it’s really hard to connect
with anybody here. But everybody else was in DC or Los Angeles
or Austin or Toronto, so it was… But yeah, I was just dead set on it. You weren’t gonna change my mind. It wasn’t worth the stress that
I was dealing with. And then one month later I had my first date
with a hearing man, and then one month after that we were
officially together. And he doesn’t know sign language.
(LAUGHS) Oops. So yeah, that kind of happened,
but hey, you know what, I have to say this, it’s not
nearly as stressful. I am very happy to be
in the sort of relationship where accessibility is
so much easier. On the first week that I
went up to Jersey and I hung out with his family, he made
sure that everyone had the Big Text app on their iPhones so that way they could
say whatever they wanted to say to me, and I would reply back out
loud with my mouth. It was meeting halfway. Now sometimes,
it’s forgotten about, but I don’t care. It’s not like purposely
being like, “No, I’m not gonna pull up this app
and type to you.” It was just, “Hey, what’s going on?” And I’d be
like, “Sorry, what?” And he’d be like, “My bad, I’m so sorry.” Especially on like the first week that you’re
meeting me, right? You’re not used to having a deaf person
in the house, so I’m not gonna fault you for it.
Accidents happen. And then a few months later when I went back
up for Halloween and I met his dad, his biological dad, and that side of the family before I even
stepped into the house, I was on the porch before I even got
close to the door, his dad is holding out this big old iPad, and it says, “Hello, welcome to our house.”
Things like that. I wanted to drop right there and cry. I don’t remember if I was holding any bags. I think Will was probably holding some bags. I wanted to drop down and cry and hug. That has never happened to me before, not in relationship-wise, that has never
happened to me before. And if there was a conversation happening
around the dinner table that I’m totally lost about,
they will take a second, they’re like, “Oh yeah, let me take a
second, and I’m gonna give you the gist “of exactly what it is that we’re talking about.” And then maybe I might be able to follow
along with some attempted “lip reading”. I’m very bad at lip reading, but if I kinda know the topic ahead of time, then my brain can process this sort of
vocabulary that would be used, and then it’s easier to try to put
two and two together. But going in like, just, whoop, right in having
no idea what’s going on. It’s much, much harder. And also, at times, the Big app has voice to text,
so his dad would put it on, and then as he’s talking, it’s doing that. I was a very happy camper. And the siblings were using it, these siblings who are
eight and nine years old, OK? Eight and nine year old kids
would use this app. I’d have to remind them, and that’s fine,
they’re kids, but they were using this app, and sometimes
they would use it before I even had to be like, “Hey, can you
type that?” And these grown people from before
that are like the same age as me and older had to be told or requested over and over and over, and they
still wouldn’t do it. Really? I would be expecting the opposite. That made me feel so much better
about everything. With that being said, I still think
that it’s important to at least learn a little bit of the language. Like if you are a hearing family, if you have a
hearing girlfriend, if you are the parent and your son or your
daughter has a deaf partner, this would be so beneficial to even just a
few basic sentences here and there because nobody really wants to just be
talking, communicating, typing on a phone over and over again. So definitely, if you’re a hearing partner, at some point along the road, if your partner
uses sign a lot… Get to it. You don’t have to be
fluent in months. You don’t have to be fluent in a year. But just a little bit of effort more and
more and more. Take classes. Bill Vicars from Lifeprint
has a website where I have used it. I’ve been using it
all the time. I still use it to learn. Also, can you imagine trying to
share wedding vows by writing or typing with your partner? Would you say a sentence and
have to stop because you’d have to show them the paper or a phone
or something? That would be awkward, very awkward. Also, not just the language, but the history, the history of the deaf community and things
like that. It is so important. I mean, if you’re gonna learn
sign language, you gotta learn the history along with
it because that’s a huge thing. Again, you don’t have to become
an expert at it, but it just shows that you really, really care. So you know, I go out on the Internet, and I’m looking up certain things about my partner and cultural history
and things like that, just little things here and there and
that I won’t disclose ’cause privacy. But it’s one thing when it’s just the
very beginning of the relationship, like in dating mode or two months into
a official relationship and things like that, but if you want to be with someone forever and be engaged and be married, if you’re still
not putting any effort into making things really accessible, making
people feel welcome, and especially, most importantly,
communication that isn’t a struggle or isn’t
awkward and clunky, if you’re not putting in that effort,
what are you doing? Don’t leave it all on the deaf person. It is absolutely exhausting. I was so exhausted every day, and now I am not nearly as exhausted as I
once was. I’m not crying in the bathroom. OK, there were instances where if it’s a brand
new environment with more people that don’t really know
who you are, that gets a little bit overwhelming, but it’s not like a repeat offense. But now I’m not hiding off to the bathroom to
cry because nobody’s being accessible because people are like, “No, I don’t wanna
write to you. No, just lip read.” Or if I’m trying to get them
to repeat themselves reword things because sometimes rewording
helps. Nobody’s saying, “No, I don’t wanna do that.” It’s so refreshing. I never wanted to date a
hearing person again after my first deaf/hearing relationship, but
here we are. But it’s good. Everything’s good. If you are also in a deaf/hearing relationship, or maybe you once were, let me know
how that went. Did you have a good experience? Did you have bad experiences? Did you have to end a relationship, like I did,
because of that? And now maybe you found yourself
in another deaf/hearing relationship by accident and yeah. Let me know. Let’s talk. If you would like to help translate
this video, I very much appreciate it, and I will leave a translation link down below
for you to do so. Thank you so much for taking the time
out of your day to watch this video. I really do appreciate it, and I will see you
later. Bye. (MUSIC PLAYS)


79 thoughts on “Never Dating Another Hearing Person Again | Rikki Poynter”

  • EDIT FOR CLARIFICATION: "Granted, the deaf community does

    have issues with CODAs and SODAs," – This could have been worded better, so that's my bad. But what I'm getting that is that from first hand experience, what people have said from their own stories and in conversations, CODA/SODAs are still hearing and not deaf. They hold privilege of their own and can also be audist/ableist to deaf people just like non-CODA/SODA people. This is about those circumstances, not a literal every single person statement.

    MERCH »
    TIP JAR »
    HIRE ME »

  • CODA doesn't mean "Cat(s) of Deaf Adult"? 😉
    Too bad the Live Transcribe app wasn't around (I guess?) back then 🙁

  • I have the best fiance ever and we meet because of Myspace. We started as long distance best friends. (I had a huge crush on him but didn't know how to express it) From day one even meeting his family & friends tought them and now even they know sign (tho mostly just ABCs and very slow) and know I also have cerebral palsy so get my limp.

  • I love how positive your experience was recently. Also, I would like to mention that you said your boyfriend's name in this, in case you were purposefully keeping it off the internet before.

  • Yes!! Even with friendships. My hearing loss really showed me who my friends are. I don't even want to think about dating haha

  • So glad to see you in my feed again! Could not click fast enough! Love your content, girl.

    Ps, your nails are fucking cool!

  • Great Great Great video! People who don’t even try…..flat out ignoring the fact your deaf are truly exhausting. Annnnd I’ll spare you my middle aged dating stories?

  • Sorry you had to deal with such annoying people disregarding your voice. I mean, to make it seem like it's a chore to communicate with the person who is sitting in the room with you (someone who is supposed to care about you, no less…) Is just wrong. I'm only hard of hearing and I get SUPER annoyed when people act like it's such a chore to be accessible and understanding. I really don't blame you for dating within the community.

  • In Dutch we have what we call Algemeen Beschaafd Nederlands, which is the proper way to speak Dutch. Is there something like that in ASL?

    I love watching your videos, but could you please lower the volume of the outro?

  • Cameron Talley says:

    What is the app you refer to? It sounds like it would be a huge help in my own relationship. I'm Deaf and mainstreamed as a kid and have had the hardest time trying to fit in with Deaf culture and see where I fit. My spouse has been super supportive and has gone out of her way to learn sign language, but my own sign language skills have waxed a waned a few times. It's hard when I'm not around a lot of Deaf folks that can use it all the time, and I have a hard time with motivation. I would love to just type things sometimes but that makes my spouse angry–after all, she's tried to learn an entire language for me. We have some other issues in our relationship, and I feel like the hearing thing and how it has affected all aspects of my life is the root cause of all of it. Makes it really hard sometimes.

  • Communication is key in any social interaction and especially in close relationships. I feel the same as you about it. If I ever get a partner again, they got to learn Swedish Sign Language and constantly improve, bc thats the only way to communicate with me and feel a real connection. I can't speak or understand speech language, so they would have to accept that and get with the program rather quickly.

  • Brooke Hendricks says:

    Where I am from, there weren’t many deaf candidates for me to date so I just stuck to hearings and it would always end up in heartbreaks. Until I met Abe, who is deaf and I am in love! Never again dating a hearing ?

  • Lisa TheCatDude says:

    I’m perfectly happy dating other disabled people (I’m a hearing wheelchair user). My experience dating able bodied people is that they are generally exhausting lol. I’m not against dating able bodied people, but I’m not here to educate them ( unless there is a dollar amount involved) or chase them. If they want to date me, they’re going to have to prove to me that they unlearned a lot of ableism on their own, and then come for me. ?‍♂️

  • The captions are either incomplete in some places or they're just weirdly timed but either way it's hard to follow them

  • Elizabeth Luttrell says:

    The Big app is good, but also check out the Cardzilla app. It's $0.99 cents and comes with more features. Really worth it.

  • watchtowergoggs says:

    Dinner table syndrome! That's a great way to describe it, I experience it more at work though. I think it's because hearing people judge us on how well we speak as a "barometer" of how deaf we are. They do it without really understanding that's not how deafness works.

    Wedding vows are easy. If you've both written them beforehand you can just read the vows then and then on the big day you don't need to worry about what is being said. Also make sure the person marrying you gives you a copy of their words beforehand too.

    Wait? You mentioned wedding? Is there something you're not telling us Rikki? 😉

  • I know someone who feels the opposite; she doesn’t want to date anyone Deaf cos it’s such a small community and most people know each other…gossip spreads fast!

  • I understand being in between. Also, there's no "one size fits all" to these kinds of things. That's something I see you frequently recognizing. I appreciate that.

    Twice I was married to a hearing woman. The 2nd was an ASL interpreter. Both were wonderful people. The marriages ended for reasons totally unrelated to Deaf-Hearing differences. Such does happen, but for me to assign fault to this difference would be dishonest. For me. I'm not projecting that unto you or anyone else.

  • Rikki … As I watch your video, I'm thinking that what makes these relationships work is both parties valuing communication itself & willing to do whatever it takes to communicate. No, not willing but strongly wanting to. My ex was like that. Early in our relationship, there were times we used pen & paper just to slow down the process. BTW, we signed our wedding vows while best friends voiced for us.

  • when i marry to my ex wife, we had deaf vicar. we had to copy their sign/saying. then we were blessed in church. with interpreter on the board.

  • sounds like this relationship is way ahead of the other one in the past, if they were so intolerant that they wouldn't do anything to assist you then they weren't all that nice people really. Sounds like this family you are connected to now are good people :)Hope you continue to stay happy 🙂

  • Disabled Cosplay says:

    I am hearing dated a hearing girl for many years her older brother is deaf I learned basic asl to communicate if I saw him. I ended up learning so much more than the basic language I learned about the culture the community and just wow!! I loved it, I still use sign language sometimes I’m not in communication with her or the family but definitely taking asl was the best decision I ever made!

  • Samantha Whitford says:

    I am hard of hearing & my husband is hearing. We've been married for almost 10 years. I don't know sign language since I grew up mainstream & no one thought learning was important (so great /sarcasm.) So, we just speak English to each other. Works fine. lol. When we got married though, I couldn't understand the justice of peace so I had to read my vows off the paper. lmao. It was embarrassing & I honestly hate how it went down but whatever.

  • It’s definitely frustrating and draining to constantly over work yourself just to communicate with others. It definitely makes me not wanna talk to people at times knowing that effort won’t be made for me.

  • I haven’t actually been in a relationship since starting to identify as Deaf (as my hearing loss is progressive), but earlier this year I tried dating apps to dip my toes into the realm of relationships and hopefully find somebody. Anybody I met (who wasn’t a raging transphobe, ’cause I’m nonbinary) would want me to TEACH them sign language, and there was this one guy who thought I was cute and was asking for lessons and he added me on Snapchat — where he would send me recorded voice messages to talk to me. No video, just little audio clips. So I had to ditch after he wouldn’t listen to me telling him I couldn’t understand his voice and he just kept sending his cutesy little recordings.

    Tbh I’m scared of dating a hearing person with no exposure to Deaf culture, and part of me wants to say “no hearing partners at all unless they sign,” but maybe there will be somebody who’s working on it or willing to start working on it without me needing to “teach.” That’d be nice. ?

  • Mark Colfer-Henderson says:

    All my hearing/Deaf relationships were utter failures. But! It taught me a lot. Many red flags have been learnt.

    1. I'll learn sign language for you = I won't as it is too time consuming.
    2. You being Deaf isn't a problem = You being Deaf is a problem.
    3. I won't change you = Trying to change me
    4. Teaching me how to say something because I don't want you to be embarrassed = I'm not embarrassed but think you are.
    5. Your Deaf culture is beautiful = My hearing culture is what we both must follow.

    A list more, perhaps I'm just unlucky? lol

  • aarushicrystalis says:

    this story sounds really similar to things I've heard my parents say about being recent immigrants in an area, the language barrier, the disrespect, the dinner table syndrome, as well as how amazing it is when someone finally tries to communicate with you. Language barriers can be so isolating

  • Hi rikki, i get that issue. I would learn signlanguage if i met a deaf partner. But knowing my family who not even accepting me and my issues and they arent really empthatizing with others. It is really sad because they think that limitations are only difficult and they dont need to put patience and time in it. I know what a loss that is because a lot of people with disabilities are so much worth to learn them and they are so much more than their disabilities. I accept everyone for who they are and i see your pain and i feel it too. Alone and ignored etc etc. I know so perfectly the feeling of that. Believe me people who dont see the beauty and kind in you they loss a lot. And for the record i get how you feel but its what you said their are a lot people ( hearing people) who are interested and learn to communicate with you. And mostly their direct familymembers too. So you just need to find that perfect match and then you can experience a perfectly fine deaf-hearing relationship. Not every person is the same. And having this experience is sad and painfull but it doesnt have always be like this. Deafness is a blok on the way but hearing couples also have bloks who make the road sometimes really rough. Sometime life sucks and as long you choose the way what does work for you and choosing your own happyness you gonna be great. You are priority number 1 (a basic ground) and from that you can build the life what makes you happy. And you always need to make you happy first. Only then you stay happy. Love sabrina

  • Low-Vision UK - Terry's View says:

    Hey Rikki, I enjoyed watching your video. Not because of what happened between you and this idiot – but because of the whole communication thing. I not deaf, and have very little experience of deaf people, Im blind, and with a seeing partner. However, communication is crucial in any relationship, and yet I find it astonishing that in this day and age, regardless of visual impairment, deaf and any other disability – even those people, with no disability still fail to communicate! It's insane.

    BUT, I just cannot understand for one moment, why anyone would enter into a loving relationship, in the full knowledge that their partner had some disability that would require some level of effort from the other person. You shouldn't have to ask all the time, yes, for sure, people forget – people forget I can't see sometimes, and walk away, expecting me to follow – but, that is only now and again. It can be a very lonely world for sure, and you like to think that you can rely on your partner to be there for you ( as you are for them ). It saddens me that there are people out there that pretend to love and care – but, in reality, as soon as things start to get a little tough, or they need to make a little extra effort that they just can't be bothered, no meeting in the middle, but just expect you to make all of the effort, and assume that your feelings won't be hurt. You're better off without them my love .

    Its great to hear however that this new relationship is good and heading in the right direction – whats. breath of fresh air he and his family seem to be. makes you realise that not everyone out there is a complete ass 🙂

  • Hi Rikki,
    Totally relate. My ex relationship was horrible. He didn't accept me as a Deaf person or even my physical difference of mild cerbal palsy. He made no effort/ or tried to learn he didn't even have a sign name. My relationship of now us really healthy my finance has learnt sign, has sign name and comes with me to Deaf events. He knows simple signs like alarm, eat, yummy and will sign to me when in a group if I have my confused face on. Table syndrome oh my gosh! I deal with this with my family! They now slowly understanding me and extended family…. My mum is learning nzsl and my sister. But…. Everyone knows if it gets too much I need space so I need my own room when visiting so I can just recharge so I can go in whenever Christmas with extended family is really really hard…. But with knowledge is power! So I keep on educating

  • I totally get your first point. If you like/love someone you want to be able to communicate, or at least show appreciation. Especially when you are deaf, it would be perfectly normal to learn ASL or any sign language. If you want to date someone, you will put effort in it. I can kinda relate (ofc it's not the same) bec I'm half Japanese and love to speak Japanese (I speak it with my mom but idk anyone else that speaks it since I live in Europe) I would really appreciate it if my partner (I'm single so yay) would out some effort in learning some words and sentences, ofc I'm not expecting them to learn the language fluently. It would just be nice to see some effort and appreciation. If I dated someone with a disability (not that it would matter if someone had one) I would put effort in making them most comfortable and appreciated e.g. learning sign language, or whatever it takes. My only source of information about physical disabilities is YouTube (I have mental disabilities myself)
    Communication is everything, esp in a relationship
    Rant over!

  • trick nigga Joe says:


    I love the lighting . I can see your pretty eyes and make up better. Sorry to hear things didn't work out. Trust me, it happens to the hearing to. The thing is, is that, we say alot of things, but nothing important. You'll be happy one day. I assume and hope we all will. Have a good evening! Love the vids.

  • Can't believe how inconsiderate anyone can be to not put in the effort to use all forms of tools to ensure the other person had clarity. Can't imagine how frustrating that can be for you hmph

    Kudos to your date who had his family be supportive

  • DemonsOfRazgriz says:

    Ya know. The thing is. Everyone is different. Not everyone can accommodate fully. But

    The question is. Do they want to stay in a relationship with you enough to try.

    Are they actually trying.

    Actually trying to learn and be helpful.

  • I'm sorry that your first boyfriend was such trash. When you said that they refused to type out what they were saying it infuriated me.

  • Mary Black Bonnet says:

    Question. Remember two years ago or so you made a video about how one of your boyfriends was so accommodating to you during the holidays and used big note or some other app? Sooooo where does this one fit in? I can post the link to the other video if you want.

  • Rebecca Goshert says:

    3:45–4:55. I've never related more to anything else than this. I am hard of hearing. Have been for 29 years. Suddenly, everyone "forgets". It really sucks. I feel like I get over sensitive but they don't understand how it feels

  • At first when you explain that first situation I was surprised that they would straight refuse, but I realized I shouldn't be surprised because people are shitty. I took sign language in high school as a hearing person just for my own personal interest and I would be that person for our Deaf teacher, I would try to translate what the students were talking about. I really struggled with how fast they were talking and how new I was to the language. But I would always try, I knew even that young how important it was. There was more than once where we were both lost because I was left out of the conversation too so I couldn't even try to translate. That's the only time I had to do that. There was a big Deaf community in my town because my high school had a Deaf school attached to it so I still had to communicate with a Deaf or Hard of Hearing person when I worked at McDonald's and Apple during and after high school.

  • something that always bewilders me is when people are unwilling to TEXT. like, you spend your whole life texting but cant do it when someone asks you to?? like, okay..

    also when you started going into how its going now with your current relationship i got the warm fuzzies inside. lol

  • Morgan Elizabeth says:

    Have you heard of signedwithheart? I’ve found it so useful to help pick up ASL basics and even finger spelling receptivity. Great for anyone who might want to improve.

  • I get it completely! My hearing husband is amazing but his family, not so much. ? I had to make myself get out of my comfort zone and make myself go to his family events without clinging to his side. It's still difficult and awkward but I was getting social anxiety really bad so I had to make the choice not to allow my anxiety to take over. Easier said than done and I still struggle a lot.

  • Hi Rikki! I'm hard of hearing and in my previous relationship (of 6 years), I began learning ASL and started using it more often. One thing that did bother me was where my ex always seemed annoyed by my use of ASL while speaking. He'd get distracted and not hear what I'd say and at first it was understandable but then I'd ask him to learn some of the basics with me and he said it would be cool to learn but not at the moment. We didn't break up because of this issue, but it was a factor in many of my frustrations with the relationship.
    Whenever I make new friends/acquaintances, I let them know that Im HoH and speaking loudly would be hella appreciated. My current friends always fill me in on stuff I may have missed from conversations, and I love them for it ?.
    I really enjoyed your vid!

  • Your videos have HELPED ME sooo much. My 3 year old is HOH and is struggling quite a bit. You give so much insight and spark ideas on how I can help her and help the people around her communicate better. I really wish you would have had someone advocating for you growing up, but look at you killin it! ?

  • My dating history is very.. ehm, bare so I haven't dated any hearing people. But! If I do, I don't want to be the one teaching them all the sign that they know, because that puts a lot of work on me, but it'd also make the relationship more like a teacher/student one which is not really what you want in a romantic relationship (unless you're into that). I'd expect them to learn at least some on their own, and not rely on me all the time.

  • I've never heard of Big Text app but I don't have an iPhone. I'll look that up for some deaf groups I'm in on FB. For anyone with a Android, the Live Transcribe app is really good at turning speech to text, but it requires a WiFi connection.

  • I think it's just common curiosity to learn some sign language when you know someone who speaks the language. It shows that you care about them. I work in retail and would love to learn some more ASL to communicate with deaf and HoH customers. All I really know is the alphabet and thank you.

  • I saw a video from 2016 from you.. and now im hooked!! You are a special person, not only cuz ur deaf… but i really like your personality ??

  • Charlottesreadsthings says:

    Hearing people are just arrogant. I've been learning BSL for about a year and just finished the first level (waiting of results) and the amount of people who hear I know it enough to have a decent conversation just respond with "but like they can lip read. Why did you bother learning?"

  • I've been living with my partner for years now and I stopped trying to learn ASL as a dedicated task because I realized my partner wasn't going to. I know we're both cognitively disabled and that really puts a wrench in learning. It's really disheartened me though because the one person I talk to the most is someone I'm having an increasingly difficult time understanding. I still have enough residual hearing that loud conversations can happen orally. But when we are apart for a few days she'll have automatically switched back to Hearing person communication volume and I'm lost and frustrated and tired of the barrier being my burden to carry. In everything else, I could not imagine a person I am more grateful to have in my life. But I feel like the gravity of how this affects my heart is not something I can communicate with her without it being me asking for too much. Learning a language is a big deal but… so is not learning it.

  • I don’t know if you’ve heard of the AVA app, but it’s a real time talk to text app that you might be interested in trying out

  • As someone who has a Cochlear Implant and was mainstreamed, but decided to discover my Deaf identity and learn ASL in my early 20s, I totally relate. I've always had issues dating hearing people because of the pure lack of empathy, common sense, accessibility and effort that they're actually willing to provide. At the end of my relationships with my hearing exes, I always ended up being pitied for who I am. Luckily, I learned that I should never have to apologize for being Deaf. I'm glad you know it too 🙂

    That being said, I've been dating my latest and greatest significant other for about 4 years now and he has completely changed my perception of dating. He's deaf in his right ear and grew up fighting for accommodations in a mainstream school like me, so he gets the struggle. He is deaf but very immersed in the hearing world. But he's working on learning ASL and has even taken a class to learn more. I will say, he is a master fingerspeller …but whether I understand what he's fingerspelling or not is a whole different topic hahaha. His family is pretty small (mom, sister, grandma, and an aunt and uncle) so gatherings are super low stress. Coming from my family where there are typically over 40 relatives at a holiday party, his family is exactly what I need.

    Anyways, dating someone who understands where I'm coming from in terms of hearing ability and life experiences has been absolutely crucial to the success of our relationship so far. I hope everyone in our situation finds someone who respects & values the hurdles we deal with every day and understands why accessibility is so important.

  • Can you please elaborate on why the deaf community is not too happy about CODAs and SODAs? I am not part of the community but I know several SODAs and they can sometimes claim to know a lot about deafness that I am not sure they know, even though they have a sibling.

  • Hi Rikki. I kinda expect kids to be more receptive to using the Big text app. For one, it is another occasion to use technology. It is like a new game, a new experience, and kids thrive on that. It may also make them feel like they are entering the world of an adult (you), and they feel a little more grown-up for it.

    On the other hand, some adults have their habits set in stones and just hate to change anything.

  • Hi, Rikki!
    Oh, this takes me back to my ASL classes. We did not have cell phones then. I always sat with our teachers in the cafeteria where they were signing to each other. I had barely a clue what was going on. Occasionally, they would stop and laugh at me. They taught me a great sign that was perfect for me. "Nodding and smiling." lol! One of my Deaf friends at the time could speak and so we would get by with me signing the best I could and her speaking and signing. When I got married, I had one of my classmates interpret our wedding. Our teachers ended up not being able to attend, so I took the video over to their house.
    One teacher was married to a Deaf man. They had two hearing sons and neither of them signed! Pissed me off. Another teacher, who was young, had the best license plate. It said, "Sign4Me" 🙂

  • Favor: would you please edit your videos so the sound does not go up when you cut away to your intro and your outro? Thanks!
    Also, when you are signing numbers; remember to have your hand facing us.

  • I am glad that your boyfriend's family is so kind to you. I went to school with a lot of kids from other countries. It's just polite to take the time to help; them understand English. One of our friends is from Germany and she needed help with her English when she first moved here and when her family gets together, she and her sister and Mom (God rest her) would always speak in German and I had no clue what they were talking about.

  • Jax The Ski Border says:

    I know some of the struggles unfortunately.
    Sometimes when we get into an arguement about something and they would say something rude or whatever and I'd be like "what??" (Because I didn't catch all of what was said) then they would be like "yeah, you heard me!" I'd be like "ummm…. no I didn't…" and point to my ears.?‍♀️?‍♀️? (it's kinda funny but )
    People tend to forget that I'm hard of hearing because I talk, so that can get super annoying.
    It also really annoys me when people say "never mind" because they don't feel like repeating themselves or too lazy to type it out. I use texting a lot too especially if we are in a place that has a lot of background noise going on.

  • I was wondering while watching this video, i remember learning about other communities that experienced abled people with a fetish for that community, do deaf people experience that with some hearing people?

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