Nancy Pelosi’s Coat, Melania Trump’s Fox News Interview – Monologue

Nancy Pelosi’s Coat, Melania Trump’s Fox News Interview – Monologue


Let’s get to the news. Following lawyer Michael Cohen’s
three-year prison sentence, President Trump claimed today that Cohen pleaded guilty
to campaign charges to “embarrass the President.” No, I think even Michael Cohen knows that if a guy goes out
like this in public… he cannot be embarrassed. He’s that uncle we all have
who grabs his own fat at pool parties and just goes,
“More of me to love!” The fashion brand
behind the red coat that House Minority Leader
Nancy Pelosi wore after meeting
with President Trump announced that the coat will be
added to their 2019 collection. While Chuck Schumer’s glasses will be added
to the CBS readers carousel. [ Laughter ] Chuck’s Cheaters. During a new Fox News interview
with Sean Hannity, First Lady Melania Trump
was asked the moment she and Donald
fell in love. Said Melania,
“I’ll let you know.” [ Laughter ] In the same interview,
Melania said the hardest part about her role
is dealing with opportunists who use her name
and her family’s name to advance themselves. Said one such opportunist,
“You’re not my real mom! [ Applause ] Now give me my allowance!” According to
“The New York Times,” Rudy Giuliani
was in Bahrain this week to get a contract for his firm. Incidentally, a Bahrain is what Trump calls
the thing in his head. “I’m very smart.
I have the best Bahrain.” According to
“The Wall Street Journal,” the Boy Scouts of America are considering
filing for bankruptcy. Meanwhile, the Girl Scouts
are planning to buy a house in the Hamptons
with all that cookie money. Nintendo is suing a man
who has been illegally modifying its video-game consoles
and selling them along with pirated versions
of popular games. If successful, Nintendo could be awarded
a monetary sum of up to… [ Ding, ding, ding, ding ] [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] NBC News has published
an article detailing ways that people can turn wrapping
holiday presents into a workout. The way it works is
you buy someone a lion. [ Laughter ] Today is International
Jewish Book Day. Incidentally, Jewish Book is what Mike Pence calls
the first half of the Bible. [ Audience oohs ] Okay. Bear with me.
Bear with me. Bear with me. That’s right. Today was
International Jewish Book Day — books like Dr. Seuss’
“Green Eggs and That’s It.” [ Laughter ] Okay. Okay. Bear with me.
Bear with me. Bear with me. That’s right. Today is
International Jewish Book Day. Though if you have time
to read a book, you have time
to call your mother. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Those were the best three
out of 200. And finally, KFC has introduced new fried-chicken
scented fireplace logs in time for the holiday. So if you’re wondering what
you’re getting for Christmas… raccoons!

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