Morticia, The Matchmaker (Full Episode) | MGM

Morticia, The Matchmaker (Full Episode) | MGM


(FINGERS SNAPPING
RHYTHMICALLY)
♪ They’re creepy
and they’re kooky
♪ Mysterious and spooky♪ They’re altogether ooky♪ The Addams family♪ The house is a museum♪ When people come to see ’em♪ They really are a scream♪ The Addams familyMAN: Neat.Sweet.Petite.♪ So get a witch’s shawl on♪ A broomstick
you can crawl on
♪ We’re gonna pay a call on♪ The Addams family ♪(GRUNTING) Lovely day, isn’t it? Yes. The chill goes
right through you. Look at them. Oh, they have such
good times together. Well, here we are. Is this the Addams house? Yep. Are you sure
this is the place
you wanna go to? Why, yes. Okay. You know,
it’s not too late. I could still take you
back into town and turn you over to
those Travelers Aid. No, thank you. Okay, lady. (FOGHORN SOUNDING) I wonder who that could be? It may not be a who.
It may be a what. You optimist. A relative. Morticia? It’s me. Cousin Melancholia! Oh, darling! Gomez,
you remember Melancholia. Who could forget that face? I know I should have called, but everything
happened so fast. Everything? It’s Fred. My intended. He jilted you. Well, I can’t really say. He just took back
his ring, sold his farm and joined
the Foreign Legion. That is kind of indefinite. I just didn’t know what to do. I’m glad you came to us
in your hour of trial. And you remember Mama? I always said
that you’d grow up
to be a beauty. Oh, Mama,
you haven’t changed a bit. And you haven’t lost
a bit of your looks. The vain old thing
takes hours to get
herself together. It certainly shows. Darling, why don’t you go
upstairs and freshen up and we’ll talk it
all over later. Follow me. Oh. It’s so good to be
where you feel at home. I’d better make her
a nice hot cup
of henbane juice. MORTICIA: Thank you, Mama. Gomez, is there anything
we can do to help Melancholia? Well, if we can’t help her,
who can? We have to find her a man. But where? Darling, you have
so many vast
business interests, you must know someone. Well, let’s see now. There’s old Charlie Carlisle
the accountant. No, he’s dead. He wouldn’t be right. Melancholia needs someone
dashing, handsome, charming. Like you, darling.Carinito,you’re
really making it tough. Now, now, now, Cleopatra, you’re much too
young to take tea. GOMEZ:
Yes, indeed. That’s right. Mmm-hmm. Well, she’d make
a perfect wife. Yes, I see. Uh-huh. Well, then, it’s obvious
I have the wrong number. Any luck? Seven refusals. Fortunately, three of them
were wrong numbers. We just have to keep trying. What about Ed Franzen,
the fellow who works
at the monument company? Much too flighty. You’re right. Even when he’s carving
those inscriptions
he can’t stop giggling. Darling, have you
tried your salt mine? No, by Jove! They used to have
a pretty lively crowd
down there. I just know
this is gonna work. It’s got to,
I’m running out of companies. Hello? Sutton? Addams here. Say, we’ve got a ravishing
young cousin here who’s just dying
for some company. Oh, well, thanks anyway. Keep the salt rolling. Nothing? Nothing. But don’t despair,
we’ll find someone. How about a marriage broker? Capital idea!
I know just the one. Hasty Marriage. Mmm-hmm. The same one we got
for Cousin Gripe. Hasty Marriage? How are you fixed for grooms? Really? He says they’ve got
a complete selection. How romantic. Tell them to send over a few, and then Melancholia
can take her pick. How about sending over
a few samples? Oh, you know,
one tall, one short,
one fat, one thin. Uh, uh, better make that
two thins. The name is Addams.(PHONE CLICKS)Hello? Hello? I think we were disconnected. It’s just as well.
I think we should
get one of our own. You’re right, we should. Lurch. Oh, dear, not Lurch. He’s such a playboy. That’s all an act.
You’ll see. (GONG RESOUNDING) You rang? Lurch, have you ever
given thought to the blissful joys of marriage? (GROANING) You see? Underneath
that devil-may-care,
he’s a sentimental softie. Lurch, we have
a lovely girl for you. Sweet, soft and soulful. I thought you wanted him
for Melancholia. I’m talking
about Melancholia. (GROANING) Now, now, Lurch,
control yourself. You mustn’t
appear overanxious. Now, about the wedding date. (GROANING) Obviously he prefers
a long engagement. Nonsense. Two people so ideally suited.
Why wait? How about eloping tonight? Please. Well, it is a bit hasty.
How about tomorrow night? We’ll all go together. We’ll make it
a combination elopement
and picnic. (GROANING) Darling, somehow
I don’t think Lurch takes
to the idea of an elopement. All right,
forget the elopement,
we’ll just go on the picnic. It’s a lovely idea! But I do believe
Melancholia would
rather be married. No. By Jove, Morticia,
I’m beginning to believe
you were right. He is a playboy. Very well, Lurch, you may go. But, remember,
there will never be
another Melancholia. Never. (SIGHING) They would have
made a lovely couple. I just love weddings. They always make me cry. Oh, thank you, Thing. Thing? Have you ever given
thought to the blissful
joys of marriage? The Things of today. Forget it. I think Melancholia would
prefer a professional man. A doctor. Or a lawyer. HARVEY:
No, no, no. Not me. I will not go back
to that Addams house, never. But a deal like this. Think of your wife
and children. I have no wife and children. Then think of mine. This deal could
mean millions. Not worth it. Come on now, Harvey,
you have to. This is the chief reason
I brought you back
into the firm. You’re the only lawyer
in our office who’s had
any contact with them. I would rather have contact
with a nest of scorpions. Oh, come on, now. So the family is
a little eccentric. The point is
we have a job to do. If it means going
back to that house,
I am not going to do it. What am I asking you to do? An important client
wants something Addams has. All you have to do is
go over there
and discuss it with him. Go on, make an appointment. I knew I could depend on you. Mr. Addams, please. Oh, he’s not home?
The whole family’s
gone on a world cruise? The whole family’s
gone on a world cruise. Try it now. First I need
a good stiff drink. It’s no use,
I can’t find a man anywhere. Oh, poor Melancholia. Doomed to spinsterhood. (WHIMPERS) Oh, Melancholia, darling, we were just
talking about you. I know. Nobody wants me. Oh, what nonsense. No. I’m cursed. Fred isn’t the first
tragedy in my life. I got as far as
the altar with Elmer. What happened? I got there but Elmer didn’t. He just ran off. Foreign Legion? South America. That is better climate. Well, darling, it’s obvious. They felt unworthy. (TELEPHONE RINGING) Hello? Yes, this is
Mrs. Addams speaking. Oh, hello, Mr. Harvey. Just a moment. Darling, it’s that nice
young lawyer, Mr. Harvey. He wants to talk to you. Not now,
this is all too disturbing. Mr. Harvey, I’m afraid
Mr. Addams can’t come to
the phone right now. He’s involved in
a little family problem. Oh, I see. Well, I’m sure
an old bachelor like myself
can’t be of any help. Bye. It’s no use. He didn’t even
get on the phone. Your problem is solved. Mama! What in the world? Love dust.
Don’t you remember? Worked wonders
for you and Gomez. Oh, of course.
How thoughtful of you, Mama. It’ll bring the men howling. Are you sure? Well, we’d better
use a double dose. There, that ought to do it. Thank you, Mama. (CRYING) What’s so funny? Gomez, she’s crying. Oh. Darling, don’t you worry,
we’ll find you a man. You may have to lower
your standards a bit. Oh, I feel just awful
bothering you two. And interfering
with your business. You probably
offended that man. Oh, no, Mr. Harvey’s
very understanding, even though he is a bachelor. Yes, he’s a very… Bachelor! Bachelor! (RINGING) Yes? Oh, of course. (WHISPERING) Mr. Addams. Look, I don’t want to impose. Impose? My dear fellow,
to you the Addams home
is Liberty Hall. It’s just a little
business matter. Excellent.
Plan to stay all evening. Thank you. Well, how does it look? Wonderful. Mr. Harvey is a very suave,
sophisticated man. So let’s get rid
of these homey things,
shall we? You can wear anything of mine
that you like. Oh, they’re gorgeous! Oh, Cousin Morticia,
y-you’re too generous. Darling, what’s family for? Now come along to the mirror. I want to pluck
your eyebrows. When I finish with you
you won’t recognize yourself. Uh, is Mr. Harvey a real
good friend of yours? Oh, yes. He’s a little bit
shy and reserved. I’m afraid you’ll
have to take him in hand. In both hands. Are you sure he’ll come? He’s probably dying to come. (DOOR CREAKING) They’re not home.
Well, some other time. Harvey, old man! (CHUCKLING) So good to see you again. Nice to be back. Lurch,
a drink for our friend. Oh, thank you,
I–I–I’m not thirsty. Nonsense,
it’s something special. The Vat ’68. Look, Mr. Addams,
I don’t wanna
take up your time. I know you’re
a very busy man. But all we want is an option on an itty-bitty,
worthless piece of
African land you’ve got. Worthless?
With all those fine
subterranean bat caves? Come, come, Harvey,
you’re not talking to a child. Ah, here we are. Superb. Really, I–I don’t
want any of that. Please, Harvey,
I never drink alone. Besides, you look as though
you can use a drink. You must’ve had
a pretty hard day. Oh, the day was all right.
It’s the night. Well, drink up,
there’s plenty more. I’ll bet. (FLUSHING) (GURGLING) It really hits the spot. Harvey, you’re not drinking. Wait. Now we have
something to drink to. To the ladies. Ever seen two lovelier girls? I know the one on
the right is your wife. But what is…
Who’s the other one? GOMEZ:
That’s Mrs. Addams’ cousin,
Melancholia. You like her? Oh, yes, she’s lovely. Good. She’s your date. Am I dead? Of course not, silly. Oh, too bad. Where are the others? They thought
we’d like to be alone. I don’t know about we,
but I would. I’ve got to put
something in my car. Something in your car? What? Me. Out for a little air, old man? This has been
a rather heady experience. You gave us quite a scare. I gave you a scare? I thought I was gonna be
a widow before I was a bride. I beg your pardon? Melancholia
does that to a man. But don’t you worry about it. You’ll feel a lot better
when you get some food
in your stomach. Mama is cooking up
a real surprise. I am so hungry
I could eat a wolf. Gomez, you guessed it! (SIGHS) Superb dinner. That belladonna sauce
really brings out the flavor. You didn’t eat much, Harvey. The excitement. Love is that way. I suddenly felt all chilled
and goosebumpy, too. Well, a little bicarb
and you’ll be fine. Would you two lovebirds
like to dance? No, thank you. Love to. Only first I have to
fix my face. Now, if you’ll just
look over these contracts… (EXCLAIMS) What was that? Love dust. Mama is
an incurable romantic. All she ever thinks about
is love, love, love. Well, all I ever think
about is business,
business, business. Excellent, a woman
needs a good provider. Especially Melancholia. She’s a bit extravagant,
I’m afraid. But she’s so much in love
she’s about to burst. Well, that would
solve everything. I mean,
your cousin’s a lovely girl. Too lovely for just one man. So why don’t I
call you tomorrow? Uh, we can talk over
the deal on the phone. You wanted something, sir? Just out. Oh, nonsense, the evening
is just getting underway. I’m back. You see? Oh, Melly.
You light up the room. I am sure you and
Melancholia have lots of
things to talk about. So why don’t you
just sit down? But watch him, Melly darling,
he’s a charmer. He’s one of our
most dashing bachelors. Is that nice, Mr. Harvey? When did you decide
to become a bachelor? Just tonight.
Now, about this deal… My! You’re a jumpy one. Uh, Mr. Addams,
it seems they’ve discovered oil on your game
preserve in Nairobi. Did you say oil? Oh, just a few drops. Oh, Gomez, Mr. Harvey
doesn’t want to talk
about any old oil. But I do, I do! Oh, I can’t wait
to hear him say that
to a preacher. Now, if you’ll just
sign right here… I have to think
about it, Harvey. After all, I do owe
something to the bats. But we don’t want all of it. Just one teeny little well. Oh, Gomez, give it to him. Nairobi’s such
a romantic place. Those lovely nights
with the hyenas howling. Makes a perfect spot
for a honeymoon. You’re so right, Mrs. Addams,
you really have
a good business… Honeymoon? Whose honeymoon? Why, yours and Melancholia’s. Provided she accepts
your proposal. I accept. Welcome to the family,
old man. But… No buts. I’ll take
these into the library
and look them over. In the meantime,
you two can go in the conservatory
and make your plans. We’ll drink a toast
to the bride and groom. (GONG RESOUNDING) You rang? Champagne for the newlyweds,
Lurch. Mr. Addams, maybe I better
go with you and, and explain
some of those clauses. And leave your love-starved
little dream girl all alone? Nonsense. But… Don’t they make
a handsome couple? He’s a man, she’s a woman.
Perfect match. Hard to believe we just met. This whole evening has been
pretty unbelievable. Don’t you think it’s fate? No. Just my luck. Oh, what a lovely
thing to say! Kiss me. Kiss you? You don’t want me
to tell Gomez
you’re afraid, do you? No, no, please,
let’s keep him out of this. Well, then. Kiss me.
I’ll keep my eyes closed. Is it all right
if I close mine, too? Of course, silly. Oh, no! You are a bashful boy. (COUGHING) Maybe this will cure you. (FOGHORN SOUNDING) I just love weddings,
don’t you, darling? Mmm-hmm. They’re so romantic. Out of my way. All right, where is she? Who are you?
Gomez Addams here. Never mind that,
where’s Melancholia? Fred. I thought you’d joined
the Foreign Legion. Not the Foreign Legion,
you rock-head. The American Legion. But, dear,
you took the ring back. I had to. Your finger
was turning green. I brought you
a nice brass one. Oh, thank you! Oh, uh, Ralph,
this is my fiance, Fred. Uh, Fred,
this is my fiance, Ralph. You mean I’m gonna
have to fight for you? Oh, no, no. Okay. This is so romantic. Come on. Uh, thanks
for the hospitality. Well! Oh, Mr. Harvey?
Mr. Harvey. Wake up. Wake up, Mr. Harvey. Am I still alive? Very much. And here are
the signed papers.
You’ve got a deal. Don’t you worry about that
ungrateful Melancholia. I’ve got lots of cousins. I have to get
this nice and clean
for Pugsley. What is it? A telescope? An African blowgun. (SPUTTERS) That reminds me. Do you miss Melancholia? No, indeed, my dear,
I’m glad she’s gone. Ungrateful wench. Now, now,
remember blood is
thicker than water. Thank heaven. She certainly wasn’t
the right girl for Harvey. He’s a nice man, isn’t he? Yes, indeed.
I ought to give him
more of my legal business. I think that’s
an excellent idea.
Why don’t you call him? I think I’ll do that. There. It’s all finished. What do you think, darling? Do you think Uncle Crimp will
like his new sweater? I hope so.
Looks like a perfect fit. Mr. Harvey, please. Oh, I see. He’s left town. For long? I’m afraid so. He’s joined
the Foreign Legion.

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