My mom’s so funny.
She lives in the South, too. She’s still determined to keep my up-to-date with
everybody that I grew up with. And she’ll remind me about them
to the point where I care again. So, she’ll call me up. She’s like,
“Hey, what are you doing?” I’m like, “Well, it’s the 3:00
in the afternoon, cougar. I’m working.” And she’s like, “Well, do you
remember Ashley Davidson?” I’m like,
“No, I don’t know who that is.” “Oh, you know who that is!” Like I was just lying
the second before. “Ashley Davidson! “She had long, dark hair. She was on
the cheerleading squad.” I’m like, “No, Mom,
it still does not ring a bell.” “Ashley Davidson! Her mom Alice used
to cut your hair.” And then I’m like, “Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think I know
who that is.” “Well, she’s dead.” I’m like, “Why would you call
to tell me that?” She’s like, “‘Cause I thought
you’d want to know.” I’m like, “But I didn’t
even know who that is!” “Oh, you know who that is!” We go round and round
in circles. This is an actual text that she sent to me if you want any idea of how she can
brighten your day. Here… is an example. Real text.
(quiet laugh) “Did you know Vanessa Tate?
She lived on Poplar Street. “I went to school
with her mother Jan. “We were in junior league
together back in the day. “Her father died a few months
ago and her mother last week. “They were 65 and 61–
I wonder what happened? Very sad.” Oh, it gets better,
it gets better. “There’s snow in the air
and it’s 23 degrees. “I feel sorry
for the tornado survivors “who are picking through the
rubble of their homes in this. Have a great show.
Love, Mom.” Now you know why I am like I am. No, my mom’s great.
She’s 67 and she’s single. And she’s been hanging out
at the bars a lot with her friends
who are also single. They like to think of themselves
as cougars, but they’re more
like panda bears. I said that
to one of my mom’s friends who did not know
what a cougar was, and she was like,
“Well, a panda bear’s just as dangerous as a cougar!” Touché, lady panda. Touché. My mom’s a bit of a lightweight. It takes her one whiskey sour and then she’s, like,
completely toasted. WOMAN: Yeah! (laughs) What? What? She’s like, “Yeah! “That’s my style. I want to hang out
with your mom.” You can always tell
when my mom’s tipsy ’cause she’ll stick
one finger out just like this and start dancing like this. Just judging people
while she’s dancing. Like she’s
some sassy black woman. (laughs) So… when I went
home for Christmas, I went out, uh, to a bar with my mom ’cause that’s
what you do with your mom. And the thing is
when these songs come on, uh, and she starts dancing,
she has no idea what song she is dancing to,
so all of a sudden I hear ♪ To the window, to the wall ♪ ♪ Till the sweat
drop down my balls ♪ ♪ All you bitches crawl. ♪ And I looked over
and my mom’s just dancing. (singsongy):
With her Christmas sweater on. Or we heard that song ♪ Jump on it ♪ ♪ Let’s do it, ride it ♪ ♪ My pony. ♪ “Oh, I love horses!” I’m like,
“I’m pretty sure that’s not what that song is about.” “I don’t care. I love horses.” You guys like
the restaurant Hooters? (audience whoops) Do you?
The gay guys are like, “Mm.” There was a Hooters
in my hometown that closed. You know every time
a Hooters closes, an angel loses its wings?
(laughs) Pretty sure that’s the saying. I learned Hooters waitresses, they get really suspicious
when somebody comes in there to buy one of their outfits. And they get
especially suspicious when that person is me. So, I went into Hooters
and I went up to the waitress. I was like, “Hey, I’d like
to buy one of your shirts.” And she’s like, “Um… what size?” I was like, “Duh. Small.” She’s like,
“Well, they run kind of small.” I’m like, “Psh, even better!
Lets do this!” It’s my goal in life to buy
the entire Hooters outfit, and just go into Hooters
and start waiting on tables. (women whoop) I squeeze into those shorts. I’m like…
(screaming) I hurt! My gut’s hanging out. I walk in there, there’s,
like, these four dudes watching football
and they see me, they’re like, “What the…? “No! “No! I didn’t order that!” You know, just walk
in there like this. (huffs) (huffs) “I’m real tired. “I had to walk
all the way over here. “Do you want
some chicken wings? “Hmm? Do you?” I would, of course,
have a wedgie right there. Boom! Camel toe.
(laughs) Someone just went…
(groans) You’re never gonna look
at chicken wings the same. That’s all I’m saying.