Meanwhile… Big News In Fish Transport

Meanwhile… Big News In Fish Transport


YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND SO MUCH
TIME OVER THERE SMELTING THE RAW ORE OF THE BIG NEWS INTO THE
GORGEOUS WROUGHT-IRON GATE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SHOVEL
UP ALL THE CASTOFF NEWS SLAG, GRIND IT INTO A POWDER, MIX IT
WITH CLINKER, GYPSUM, AND FLY ASH, AND REFINE IT INTO BLAST
FURNACE SLAG CEMENT, WHICH IS THEN POURED INTO A CAST, AND
COOLED INTO THE CONVENIENCE STORE PARKING BLOCK THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: THERE CAN’T BE TOO MUCH
“MEANWHILE.” IT GIVES HOPE TO PEOPLE. WHILE, FOR DAYS, THE
INTERNET HAS BEEN UNABLE TO GET ENOUGH OF THIS VIDEO OF A
PNEUMATIC TUBE SYSTEM DESIGNED FOR MOVING FISH LONG DISTANCES
OVER DAMS. THE LINE IS ALWAYS SUPER LONG
BUT THAT SALMON HAD A FAST PASS. ( LAUGHTER )
THE DEVICE IS KNOWN AS “THE SALMON CANNON,” WHICH NARROWLY
BEAT OUT THE “GILL GUN,” “THE TROUT SPOUT,” “THE BASS
BLASTER,” AND OF COURSE, “THE FLINGING NEMO.” ( LAUGHTER )
THE SALMON CANNON IS THE BRAINCHILD OF A COMPANY CALLED
WHOOSHH INNOVATIONS, WHICH ASKS THE QUESTION: WHAT ELSE DOES
WHOOSHH INNOVATIONS MAKE? “ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, WE’VE GOT
THE PERFECT NAME FOR THE COMPANY. NOW WHAT’S SOMETHING THAT GOES
“WHOOSHH?” NO BAD IDEAS. SERIOUSLY, EVEN IF YOU PITCH
SOME KIND OF LONG DISTANCE FISH LAUNCHER, I’M IN. BUT NOT THAT. SOMETHING ELSE.” MEANWHILE, DESPITE ALL THE
TIMES, THERE ARE ALSO INSPIRING AND UPLIFTING STORIES OUT
THERE. AND, USUALLY, THOSE STORIES ARE
ABOUT OLYMPIC GYMNAST SIMONE BILES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND I LIKE TO COVER THEM IN OUR NEW SIMONE BILES-BASED
“MEANWHILE” SUB-SEGMENT: “MEANBILES.” DON’T LET THE NAME FOOL YOU. I HAVE MET HER. SHE’S NICE-BILES. MEANBILES, SIMONE BILES, JUST
WON HER SIXTH ALL-AROUND TITLE AT THE U.S. GYMNASTICS
CHAMPIONSHIP– ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IN PART– IN PART BY BEING THE FIRST EVER TO LAND A
TRIPLE DOUBLE. TWO DOUBLES, THREE FLIPS IN
COMPETITIONS. HERE IS WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE. YOU’VE GOT THE FLOP. YOU HAVE ANOTHER FLOP. THEN YOU’VE GOT ONE, TWO,
THREE– AND THERE WERE TWO FLIPS IN THERE. BOOM! UNBELIEVABLE! UNBELIEVABLE! NO OTHER GYMNAST IN THE WORLD
CAN DO THAT WITHOUT BEING SHOT OUT OF A SALMON CANNON. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, J.D. SALINGER’S NOVELS WILL FINALLY BE RELEASED
AS E-BOOKS. ALLOWING E-BOOKS IS A BOLD MOVE
BY J.D. SALINGER’S SON, MATT SALINGER. BUT DON’T EXPECT ANY OTHER TYPES
OF MEDIA, BECAUSE MATT SALINGER MAINTAINS THAT, LIKE HIS FATHER,
“HE IS FIRMLY OPPOSED TO SCREEN ADAPTATIONS.” AND HE IS ALSO “NOT GOING TO
RELEASE J.D. SALINGER’S WORK AS AUDIOBOOKS.” FINE. I RESPECT THAT. NO MOVIES. NO TV. NO AUDIOBOOKS. BUT NOTICE THAT HE DIDN’T SAY
ANYTHING ABOUT VIDEO GAMES. HEAR ME OUT! I’VE PUT A LITTLE SOMETHING
TOGETHER THAT I THINK DEMONSTRATES THE SHEER
PULSE-POUNDING, BUTTON-SMASHING POTENTIAL OF THE ENTIRE SALINGER
OEUVRE. OKAY, LEVEL ONE. YOU’RE HOLDEN CAULFIELD. YOU’RE WATCHING THE RYE. OKAY, HERE COME THOSE KIDS! CATCH ‘EM, HOLDEN! CATCH THE KIDS! CATCH ‘EM IN THE RYE! NO! THERE ARE TOO MANY! THERE ARE TOO MANY KIDS! YOU’VE LOST YOUR INNOCENCE! YOU’VE LOST THEIR INNOCENCE. AND YOU’VE WON. YOU’VE WON. BONUS ROUND: ASK A CAB DRIVE
( APPLAUSE ) BONUS ROUND: ASK A CAB DRIVER
WHERE DUCKS GO IN THE WINTER. CALL ME, MATT SALINGER, OR
YOU’RE A PHONY. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JADA
PINKETT-SMITH.

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