If News Anchors Were Roommates (feat. Gus Johnson)
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If News Anchors Were Roommates (feat. Gus Johnson)


(powerful music) – Good evening and welcome
back to the apartment, I’m your host Gus Johnson. It was a dairy disaster. Local news anchor Gus
Johnson returned home to his modest Los
Angeles apartment early this afternoon to
discover that one of his dumbass roommates had
left the almond milk cap partially unscrewed spilling
contents all over the fridge. For more on this now we go
to our special correspondent and potentially guilty anchor,
Sandra Martinez, Sandra? – Thank you Gus. Though this
story is still developing, sources close to me are
saying that this is in no way a result of my actions. Signs point to
probable involvement from our very own
Brian Fulton. Brian? – Thank you, Sandra.
Gus, they’re calling it the “bullshit
of the century.” As many of our viewers know, I
don’t even drink almond milk. Because as we all know, almond
milk is for little bitches. Plus I wasn’t even
home this afternoon, as I was out whipping
donuts with my cousin in the parking lot of
the local food mart. – Thank you Brian,
fascinating stuff. Our viewers at home should know that Brian Fulton
is not only one of the longest serving anchors
here at the apartment, but he is also a fucking liar. – An excellent point, Gus. And might I add that
I am fairly certain that Brian is not
only responsible for the local almond milk
situation, but he may also be the person, or persons,
who has been using all of the house toilet
paper without replacing it. – (laughing) Really great
investigative work, Sandra. I think I speak for all of
us here in the apartment when I say that you have
a truly great talent when it comes to
stretching the truth. You backwoods, baby back, bitch. – Many thanks, Brian. But
I’ve seen the aftermath of your incessant
tequila shits, so I hope you’ll excuse me
when I say I know a lying sack of shit
when I see one. Gus? – Right you are, Sandra. Brian’s tequila turmoil
is just the latest event in a long history of
alcoholic adversity. Toilet paper trouble and
milk monstrosities aside, I am also completely
convinced that Brian Fulton has been shaving his
ballsack hair in my bathroom, subsequently clogging up the
sink with his peach fuzz pubes. – We interrupt this
broadcast for what appears to be some
breaking bullshit. Local news anchor Gus
Johnson has reportedly been showering me with a
myriad of stupid accusations. Gus thinks he’s so
goddamn innocent. But I would invite
the viewers at home to take a look at this graphic, which details Gus’s many
shitty shortcomings. It all started in
the fifth grade, when Gus pooped his pants
not once, not twice, but three times in gym class. Sources say that fifth
grade is far too old to poop one’s pants
even once, and I agree. Next up, Gus’s relationship
with his father. It’s a well known fact
around the apartment that Gus’s dad
completely despises him. Many cite the reason
for this as being that Gus has never
held down a steady job, is terrible with women,
and is considered by many to be a lifelong disappointment. And finally, I would be remiss if I did not mention
Gus’s overwhelming BO. A local apartment resident
once described Gus’s scent as being putrid, musty, and
borderline offensive. Knowing these things
about Gus, it’s no wonder he would resort to
throwing his housemates under the bus as a distraction
from his miserable life. Gus? Gus? Gus? Gus,
can you hear me? Well, I apologize
to our viewers for either experiencing
technical difficulties or Gus is just too much of a little
bitch to stand up for himself. (animated punch)

Author: Hermina Pacocha

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