In devastating news, Bachelor in Paradise’s
first same-sex couple have decided to break
their engagement. -What?!
-Wow, wow. -What?
-I’m shocked to my very core. I can’t believe
that didn’t last forever. Yeah. I can’t believe
a-a fabricated relationship on a show that’s trying
to get ratings didn’t work. Yeah. Well, I-I don’t know how
to feel about this breakup. Like bisexuality,
I could go either way. -RANDY: Yeah. -BARBER: Hey.
-And I need a lot of attention. I want a lot of attention
for that. Going back
to their first love: fame. I mean, what do they do
in this situation? Do they split
the Instagram followers? -Yeah, I don’t know how they…
-I mean, they’re so…
They need a mediator. She gets them
every other weekend. -I think that’s with Instagram
followers. -SPADE: Oh, okay. -Yeah, she gets them every other
weekend. -SPADE: That’s not bad. She’s gonna go on
The Snatchlorette. -Did you hear that?
-Oh, I didn’t know that. (laughter) -Did anybody hear that?
-Oh, that was good. -SPADE: That’s not bad, right?
-One good one’s good. -That’s right. -SPADE: That’s
not bad. I get one every… -One every… Yeah, okay.
-Between commercials? Um, but I feel like, uh… Oh, this is
about something else. Later, I have to do this. Okay. Sorry. Um, no, but… -What is this in your
personal life here? -Yeah. -Yeah, this is, like, real…
-It has nothing to do with the show.
That’s just other things. Remind me to get
more checkered pants. Um, Delta Air Lines– no, but this is a hot story– has decided to restore the previously edited out
lesbian sex scene from the movie Booksmart. Box cutters banned.
Box lovers are okay. -Randy, you and Jason…
-RANDY: Uh… yes. …have been mistaken
for lesbians. What is your…
thoughts on this? I love when you walk down
an airplane aisle and you see, like,
a guy watching soft-core porn next to a kid watching
Dora the Explorer. BARBER:
Right. And the guy is definitely
learning more Spanish. (laughter) Dónde está el G-spot? -Finger, no finger.
-So dumb. All right, so… Wait, well, I…
Here’s the thing. -SPADE: Yes.
-If you go on Spirit Air, they add in gay sex scenes
on Spirit Air. -BARBER: That’s right.
-To everything. That… Their Incredibles is incredible,
I’m just gonna say that. -The mom is so stretchy.
-So is the dad. That’s what I’m trying to say. I get scared
’cause when I’m watching that, I have to take the two SkyMalls
and wall it up. People… ‘Cause…
People in the aisle, if you’re in the aisle, they’re always, like,
eyeballing your e-mail. “What’s going on up there?”
Yeah? And I’m like… You bend down. Light dimmer. You got to…
you got to put the porn back in. -You have to.
-SPADE: The porn in. Well, and the sex scenes back in
because it’s like, there’s nothing like a cry wank when you’re that high
in the sky. -Yeah.
-Cry wank. -SPADE: A what?
-Cry wank. -Cry wank.
-Cry wank. -What does that mean?
-When you’re crying and then you have a wank,
and then you go to sleep. -Yeah.
-SPADE: Oh! -So, you feel… Yeah. -What
I do every day after the show. -Yeah, yes.
-So Wednesday for you. -Yeah. -Yeah. -That’s
the Australian mile high club. -That’s right? -Exactly.
Cry and do it yourself. -Please do it.
-Yeah. -Nothing like a cry wank.
-Well, we’re learning something. -Yeah. -We are.
-You’re all very welcome. -Thank you.
-Yeah. Yeah. Appreciate that. -(cheering and applause)
-Tonight, uh… We’re learning all about… I might have a cry wank
right after this show. -I, uh…
-I’m currently having one. -Thank you.
-Oh, wow. -Yeah. (trills tongue) Uh,
McDonald’s has fired the CEO -after he had a relationship
with an employee. -Ooh. Apparently there was
a Chicken McTug-it situation. -BARBER: Hey. -Oh!
-No, there was. -Yes. -Hey.
-Should we keep going? -Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah. -He… This guy puts the “D”
in Mickey D’s. -Folks, I am getting up.
-BARBER: Hey, you’re done. I heard he used, uh… His condoms were McRibbed
for his pleasure. -Okay.
-(laughter and applause) -So…
-I’m not even gonna try, -really, that.
-I know. Her biggest complaint
was that his Big Mac came with too much special sauce. -A lot of special sauce.
-Ah. And who was… I want to know
who he was (bleep). -Who? Was it, like, a…
-SPADE: I know. -An employee. Yeah, but, like,
why is it so bad? Was he…
Was it an underage boy? ‘Cause that’s only allowed
in the Catholic Church. -Right.
-So… You know what I mean? -I think it was…
-He’ll get moved to a different McDonald’s
by the Catholic Church. It was bad, ’cause every time
he had sex with her, -he made her Grimace.
-JASON: Yeah, that is, uh… We all want to (bleep)
the Hamburglar, so… -SPADE: The Ham…?
-RANDY: I think he… -I think he tried to slip her
his severance package. -Folks… You know, this is what
brought down Mayor McCheese.