As the coronavirus
continues to spread, it’s time for us to face
the uncomfortable truth that we’re all going to come in
contact with it at some point. It’s everywhere. Europe has it.
Africa has it. America has it. The only person
who doesn’t have it is that guy in the bunker
in Parasite, but he’s got other problems. Now, if you’re
in a sparsely populated area, you might be okay, but one of the worst things
you can do right now is be in any kind
of cramped space where people are packed
tightly together, like a… like a live studio audience
for a late-night show. Those people are screwed.
But not you guys. You guys are cool.
You guys are fine. You guys are fine. And it’s even worse if you’re
in a city like New York, which is basically
one big studio audience. The good news is, though, the governor of New York,
Andrew Cuomo, is taking action. NEWSWOMAN:
Governor Andrew Cuomo has declared a state
of emergency in New York as dozens of new cases
of coronavirus are determined each day with testing happening
around the clock. Contain, contain, contain. Get a lead, chase it down.
Get a lead, chase it down. Find a positive, quarantine. NEWSMAN: Governor Andrew Cuomo
sounding the alarm against riding the subways
if you’re sick. If you see a packed train car, let it go by. Wait for the next train. Yes. To minimize your risk
in New York City, you should wait
for a less crowded train. And we actually have
a live image of someone who’s still waiting
for a less crowded train. (laughter and applause) I’ll miss you.
I’ll miss you, Granddad. Let me give you a tip
about New York. There are no
less crowded trains. And if there is an empty car
on the train, whatever’s in there
is worse than corona. Okay? (cheering and applause) No such thing as an empty train. Even coronavirus would be like, “Uh, if I were you,
I’d wait for the next one. “Yeah, just wait like me. I’m going…
I’m waiting for the next one.” (laughter and applause) Now, although the governor
gave some unhelpful advice, he does have a plan
to help ensure that there’s plenty
of hand sanitizer for the residents of New York. We are introducing… New York State Clean
hand sanitizer made, conveniently, by the state of New York. This is a superior product to products now on the market. This is 75% alcohol. It has a very nice… …floral bouquet. I detected lilac, hydrangea, tulips. What does it smell like to you? No! Why are you putting your hands
in someone else’s face? (laughter) That’s the first rule
of coronavirus! What are you doing?
Like, Cuomo’s the kind of guy who would open the door
to prove the zombies are gone. “I swear I don’t hear them.
Let me check.” (laughter) But look, I will say a state
making its own hand sanitizer to give people
free hand sanitizer is a great idea. I love this. Although I don’t know why
Cuomo’s trying to sell us on the great smell. Right? There’s coronavirus. I’m buying the hand sanitizer.
I’m taking it. All right? You don’t have
to sell me on the frag… Imagine if the captain
of the Titanic was like, “Everyone,
get in the life rafts. “And here’s a fun bonus. “They smell like
fresh baked cookies. “Also, they come
in a really fun shade of yellow just in time for spring.” It’s like, “My man,
you had me at, ‘We’re sinking.’ I’m in. I’m in.” (laughter) Now, while we’re waiting
on government to figure out a solution
to corona, the World Health Organization
keeps reminding us that there is a lot
that us individuals can do to prevent the spread
of this disease. So, for more
on this information, we’re joined
by our senior health expert, Jaboukie Young-White, everybody. (cheering and applause) Jaboukie, it’s really scary, and everyone wants to know, what are…
what are some of the things that people can do themselves
about the coronavirus? Okay, so, first of all, Trevor, there is no need to panic. All right? Except for old people. You guys are screwed. “You guys”?
I-I’m not… I’m not old. (laughter) Okay, well, we’ll let corona
be the judge of that. (laughter) Okay, well, anyway, Jaboukie, I-I asked you to-to help us find
the best hygiene practices sanctioned by
the World Health Organization. -What-what has your research
shown? -Yeah, okay. So, I read this
really interesting tweet that… -A tweet?
-Yeah. (laughs) I read this tweet thread,
which is basically a book. -Yeah.
-Okay. And I learned that we need
to stop shaking hands. You know? Why do we even do that
in the first place? Like, seriously, whose idea
was it for us to be like, “Hey, you know those things
that we use to wipe our butts? “Let’s rub ’em together. Mmm! Booty fingers.” (laughter) (cheering and applause) -So… So, what’s the first tip?
-Okay. So, my first tip. If you are still shaking hands
with people, stop it. Right now. Stop that, you dirty bitch. (laughter) Well, I-I don’t think anyone is disagreeing with you
about shaking hands. It’s actually why
I’ve been using the elbow. That way you don’t even
touch hands with people. Elbows?
(gags) Mmm, Trevor,
you’re using your elbow? How do you cough? What? What? That’s basically like
eating someone’s ass. Well, what do…
what do you mean? What do you mean,
how do I cough? -Why is that bad?
-No, just show… Like, what you do
when you cough? -Show me what you do when
you cough. -Well, when I cough, I cough into…
Oh, into my elbow, and then I touch it
to somebody’s… Exactly. You’re coughing
directly into someone’s ass. (laughter) Elbows are not as clean
as people think. As someone who takes a lot
of showers with people, I can tell you, no one ever washes their elbow. Okay, fine. So, Jaboukie, then, -what’s the best way
to greet people? -Okay. So, what I recommend
is you put your hand over your heart like so, and then you bow. Oh, that’s-that’s easy.
That’s easy. -So it’s just like… like this?
-Yeah. -Just, like, a little bit lower.
-Like-like this? Yeah. Well,
you want to go low enough to kiss your old ass goodbye,
old man! ‘Cause corona is coming for you,
Trevor! Goddamn you, Jaboukie! Jaboukie Young-White, everybody.