Honest Women’s Magazine Headlines

Honest Women’s Magazine Headlines


Let’s take a look at Cosmopolitan shall we
and see what kind of headline hyperbole is happening this month. Cover model is Chrissy Teigen ‘How she eats,
tweets and keeps it hot’. She’s tweeting so much, she ain’t eating so much. ‘Sexy Summer
Nights’ aka get ready ladies it’s going to be a long summer cause you’re going to be
trying to make every night sexy. Outfits under twenty dollars?! It’s all just going to be
Forever 21 wardrobe. Fun going out ideas. For cheap. Aka how to go out with the ladies
and get men to buy you drinks cause guess what you’re going to be dressed up in an outfit
under twenty dollars from Forever 21 that’s going to make him want to make it a sexy summer
night with you. Lucky lady. Sweatproof Makeup. Because even though it’s hot, you should still
be wearing lots of makeup and guess what ladies, you really shouldn’t be sweating cause that’s
disgusting. Hilarious #sexfails that can end in the ER. This is hilarious #followcosmopolitan
on twitter and yes it is true that sometimes condoms do get stuck in your vagina. Cosmo’s
offering you blow your mind sex, give and get the best ever. By give, we mean you’re
going to do a lot of kind of strange things to his so-called moan zones, as Cosmo refers
to genitalia. By get they mean that you’re going to go out and get a lot of props. You
got to get lingerie, weird dessert items, strange-shaped ice cube trays for that whole
bit, whipped cream, second season of ’24’ starring Keifer Sutherland not the new one
the old one, scrunchie, a miniature pony, really just for a photo op leading up to it,
you’re also gonna need to get a football. Regulation-size. And a super-soaker that you
will then fill with jello shooters. Five quick de-stress tips. This is really going to be
the come down from that blow your mind sex. Your ultimate guide to oral for the both of
you. I hope this is a metaphor for a dental appointment because the couple that gets cavities
filled together, oh that sounds like sex. For the thinking gal, we have Cosmo careers,
ten ways to score the job you want. Aka ten ways to network while still looking sexy,
being able to take that look from nine to after five because here’s hoping that you
can eventually marry and settle down with and then quit that job and do yoga for the
rest of your life. Ooooh and I almost missed this. Exclusive new excerpt from the author
of ‘Pretty Little Liars’. Trash fiction. Next up we’re going to tackle Marie Claire, which
is going to tell you how to score a beach body ASAP which I have a feeling is the Chrissy
Teigen method of just tweeting instead of eating. Can’t wait folks.

Author:

29 thoughts on “Honest Women’s Magazine Headlines”

  • MrKangorilla says:

    Haha the dental cavities, freakin hilarious. I think those types of magazines are basically employing the "upworthy" inescapable curiosity net

  • When I saw the title of this video, I imagined you flipping through Cosmo to try to find a headline that was true. There was a lot of flipping of pages and shaking of your head. I like your translation version better.

  • Munitia Blastpaw says:

    Please re-upload this video. Some people are having a bug where it refuses to load, and will continue to do so until the end of time.

  • Sarah Cleveland says:

    Wonder if "score" your dream job is some kind of sneaky innuendo. For the one career-based portion of the page full of sex. Huh.

  • Chris notaperson says:

    You are so sassy, I think I'm in love. If I leave my fiance for you will you promise not to get a restraining order against me until you catch me going through your trash?

  • latenightliteratus says:

    So, I'm a big fan of yours and I'm really hoping I missed a level of sarcasm here, because in the last bit Cosmo has actually taken a turn for the feminist and intersectional, publishing pieces on women's issues aroun the world, transgender issues etc

  • Patrick Melody says:

    I get your point, and I agree with it, but… 

    The way bigger mystery is why the hell magazines can even still exist in this post-internet/ smart phone world where every major newspaper has been reduced to a tiny pamphlet that nobody cares about?

  • Kind of along the same lines…..
    http://www.deathandtaxesmag.com/220290/tabloid-headlines-without-the-sexism/

  • I accidentally subscribed to Cosmo as a teen (I didn't know what it was about and just chose a magazine at random thinking I'd have some nice new reading material) and was promptly infused with the dismayingly elaborate advice they hand out about sex.

    "WANT THE BEST SEX OF YOUR LIFE? JUST TRY 87654 SEX POSITIONS!".
    "NEED YOUR HOTTIE TO GROW AN ANACONDA ON THAT BODY? TRY THIS SECRET RECIPE!".
    "LOOKING FOR WAYS TO INVOLVE KANGAROOS IN YOUR SEXY SEX TIMES? OUR WRITERS GOT YOU COVERED!"

  • Do… do I have to look at Cosmopolitan? Please don't make me…
    I find the best way to stretch my dollar is yard sales, flea markets, thrift stores and clearance racks. I am a cheap bastard.
    Sex: Getting your cavities filled together.*
    *Unless of course you prefer your cavities remain unfilled.

  • Cray Cray chicks already cray cray, then they go and read this cray cray garbage and people wonder why they call the cray cray chick… CRAY CRAY… #shudder

  • Katherine Ellen Colvine says:

    My sister has a huge pile of "LOOK" magazines and they are literally all like this. They had a page on "nerd fashion' which was a pair of hipster glasses on a shirt and some inaccurate Tetris earrings aka need fashion for hipsters.

  • This is so good. These magazines are rotting women's minds with how they should be/act/look. Eugghhh why do people buy this shit

  • Cosmo began as a "family" magazine in 1888. I would love to see the faces of the original editors if they could read the magazine today….

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