Headlines From The Onion That Actually Came True

Headlines From The Onion That Actually Came True


Beloved by comedy fans and comedy writers
alike, The Onion began life as a low-key collegiate humor newspaper, before expanding into something
far greater. Beyond all the comedy gems The Onion has given
us over the years, it’s also been strangely accurate in fortelling actual events. Here are headlines from The Onion that actually
came true. “Area Man Consults Internet Whenever Possible” While the World Wide Web was still growing
in 2000, The Onion ran a prophetic piece about an office manager who uses the Internet for
everything from movie times to recipes. With that, The Onion had already accurately
anticipated the future, with our growing dependence on online information and constant fact-checking. It sure seemed funny at the time. “I don’t, I mean I don’t do like, the emails.” “The emails? It’s email. It’s just email. Who doesn’t have the internet in this day
and age?” “F$*@ Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades” The Onion’s 2004 article on advances in razor
technology lampoons the goofiest conventions of the competitive razor market, with Gilette’s
one-upping a rival competitor by adding a fifth blade to their razor. Just a year later, Gillette actually announced
their intent to add a fifth blade, proving that the shaving industry is beyond parody. “You can’t keep this up! Don’t you know what’s gonna happen? Every time you shave it, it’s gonna come in
thicker and fuller and darker.” “Overstock.com Announces Plans To Develop
Original Programming” Ever since we discovered that we can watch
TV on our computers, companies have scrambled to hop on the bandwagon to provide content
and keep us forever in our chairs. Even a few surprising parties have gotten
into the mix. Even massive online retailer Overstock.com
checked out the growing scene in 2015, in a move that few saw coming—aside from The
Onion of course, who predicted it two years earlier. Without a recent update on Overstock’s dreams
of keeping tragedy next to the towels and comedy beneath carpets, it all might have
just been a pipe dream. “Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence” No matter who we are, we all have to face
the consequences of our actions. Well, most of us do, anyway. In a 2008 article, The Onion set up the tragic
story of a young man who nearly faces the horrors of being held accountable for an accident
he caused when driving drunk. Except he doesn’t, because he’s rich. Tragically, a similar scenario took place
just five years later. In 2013, 16-year-old Ethan Couch hit the roads
after drinking and partying, killing four people and injuring ten others. His wrist-slap sentence, thanks to his expensive
legal team’s defense, made the Onion article more like coverage of the trial than the satire
it was supposed to be. “It’s illegal.” “I’m only 12. I can’t be held legally responsible.” “Hmm. Good point.” “New $5,000 Multimedia Computer System Downloads
Real-Time TV Programs, Displays Them On Monitor” In 1998, anyone trying to catch a live-broadcast
on the web was treated to a painfully long wait and frequent buffer times. Only satirical news sources like The Onion
joked futuristically about the revolutionary move of watching television on a computer
instead of a TV screen. Now it’s basically standard to refer to watching
videos on the computer as “watching TV.” “Where’s the tv?” “I watch on my computer.” “What do you mean, you watch on your computer?” “You’re so old.” “Family Lets Cars Come Inside House During
Snowstorm” Americans are often said to have a love affair
with their cars, especially in commercials created by auto manufacturers. In 2015, The Onion published an amusing newsflash
about a Massachusetts family that took their vehicular affections to the extreme by bringing
their cars into the house during a storm. Not to be outdone by fiction, reality followed
suit in 2016. “A woman in Florida taking drastic measures
to keep her car safe, as a hurricane heads her way. She actually parked her Toyota in her living
room.” Fearful of the destructive force of Hurricane
Matthew, a Florida woman and her fiancé took drastic action to protect her sedan by bringing
it straight into the house. “There’s a car in the kitchen!” “There is? Oh, there is.” Stephen King: “I Don’t Even Remember Writing
The Tommyknockers” Ever since Carrie saw publication in 1974,
Stephen King has been the undisputed king of horror. With dozens of novels, collections, and film
adaptations floating around, the terror maestro has also become the butt of a few jokes. Back in 1999, the Onion ran a column where
Mr. King claims to have absolutely no recollection about writing his novel, The Tommyknockers. While The Onion was wrong about the specific
novel, King would admit in his book On Writing to having almost no memory of crafting his
dog-attack classic Cujo. Instead of author burnout, King’s lack of
memory was the result of a serious drug and alcohol problem. “New, Delicious Species Discovered” It’s always a bit of a shock when researchers
discover new species, especially if that species is delicious. In their 2005 article, The Onion wrote a satirical
discovery of a new, delicious species of monkey. As you might expect, the joke turned out to
be disturbingly accurate. In 2010, National Geographic published a report
detailing the unveiling of a previously undocumented snub nose monkey. Sadly, this new critter was already on the
endangered list when scientists classified it, due in part to the local demand for meat. “Ah, dessert.” “Thanks for watching! Click the Grunge icon to subscribe to our
YouTube channel. Plus check out all this cool stuff we know
you’ll love, too!”

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