-Now, usually when we start
the show, I’ll come out here and I’ll discuss, you know,
whatever’s on my mind. But tonight I’m gonna try
something a little different. Yep. I’m gonna talk about
what’s on the news. [ Cheers and applause ] But here’s the thing. I don’t actually relate to
the news. Okay? In fact, I think it’s boring.
Straight up. So I’m gonna try to make
the news a little less boring by having my writing team
find some news headlines and then I’m gonna guess
what the actual news story is. And y’all are gonna help me.
Cool? Should we do this? Okay. [ Cheers and applause ] Let’s see how many
we can get right. Okay, the first one. “Nestle announce that it’s
launching a new product” which is either “A,”
luxury Kit-Kat bars. B, organic hot cocoa. Or C, a lifetime supply
of chocolate for a one-time price of $5,000. I don’t know. That’s tough.
What do you guys think? What do you think?
What do you think? What do you think?
[ Audience shouting ] I feel like my common sense says
it has to be organic hot cocoa. No? [ Buzzer ] -Nope.
-What is it? -It’s luxury Kit-Kat bars.
-Stop it! Stop it! What?! Hold on, hold on.
Luxury Kit-Kat bars? There’s no way that’s real.
-Oh, it is. They’re $17 a bar, and there’s
a bunch of different flavors. -$17 a bar?! No, no.
-True story. -Okay. See, this is the thing.
Three months from now, rappers are gonna be bragging
about their $17 Kit-Kats, okay? They’re gonna be singing like,
“Yo, three layers of wafers, you know it’s kind of crispy,
snapping bars in the club, ’cause you know
I’m kind of tipsy. Hey, hey, hey.”
[ Cheers and applause ] Give me a break.
Okay, you see what I did there? Give me a break?
You get — I’m so smart! [ Laughter ] Okay. Let’s do the next one.
Okay, here we go. Y’all having a great time. Good.
[ Laughter ] “‘Two and a Half Men’s’
Jon Cryer says he didn’t lose his virginity to”
“A,” Molly Ringwald. Okay. B, Demi Moore. Or C, Charlie Sheen. [ Laughter ]
What do y’all think? [ Audience shouting ] Demi Moore, Demi Moore.
I think it’s Demi Moore. [ Ding ]
-You got it. It’s Demi Moore. [ Cheers and applause ] -But also wait. Hold on. Why are we following
news stories about people
who didn’t have sex? [ Laughter ]
Isn’t that the opposite of news? If not having sex
gets you a headline, I should’ve been famous
a long time ago. [ Laughter ]
I’m just saying. Alright, last one. Last one. We got to get this right, okay?
Here we go. “An 11-year-old steals family
car, drives 200 miles to meet” “A,” Shawn Mendes. B, YouTube star JoJo Siwa. Or C, a stranger from Snapchat. [ Audience shouting ] Wait, wait, wait. I feel
like this a trick question. Because unless this 11-year-old
is, like, really frickin’ cool, are all those people
not strangers on Snapchat? [ Laughter ]
Right. What do y’all think?
[ Audience shouting ] Okay, I agree. I think 11-year-old — I think
it’s got to be B, JoJo Siwa. Right? [ Buzzer ] Don’t do like this, Daniel.
[ Laughter ] -Sorry.
-What was it? -It was a stranger
from Snapchat. -No!
[ Audience ohs ] What happened to
not talking to strangers? -You were kind of right. -Do parents not teach their kids
this anymore? [ Laughter ] 200 miles? Sounds like a lot. Like, what’s your Tinder radius?
Come on, geez.