Giuliani Acted With Trump’s “Knowledge And Consent” When Conspiring With Parnas In Ukraine

Giuliani Acted With Trump’s “Knowledge And Consent” When Conspiring With Parnas In Ukraine


WELCOME ONE AND ALL, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD TO “THE
LATE SHOW,” I’M YOUR HOST STEPHEN TEACH, AND IT IS —
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) — AN HISTORIC DAY IN AN-MERICA
BECAUSE TODAY, THE HOUSE OF
REPRESENTATIVES FORMALLY SENT ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT TO THE
SENATE TO BEGIN THE TRIAL OF DONALD J. TRUMP. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I’VE GOT ALL THE DETAILS FOR YOU IN TONIGHT’S “DON AND THE GIANT
IMPEACH.”xD>>THEY GOT ME, THEY GOT ME! ( LAUGHTER )
I LIKE THAT LITTLE GUY. THIS EVENING, NANCY PELOSI
OFFICIALLY SIGNED THE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT. AND SHE CELEBRATED BY SIGNING
WITH PEN AFTER PEN AFTER PEN AFTER PEN. OKAY, THAT ONE RAN OUT OF INK. THAT ONE, TOO? OKAY, LET’S TRY THE NEXT ONE. GOOD THING SHE PLANNED AHEAD. SO IMPORTANT. ONCE THE ARTICLES WERE SIGNED,
THE HOUSE’S IMPEACHMENT MANAGERS HAD TO PERFORM THEIR FIRST
OFFICIAL DUTY, A CEREMONIAL HANDOFF BETWEEN CHAMBERS, ASt(
HOUSE IMPEACHMENT MANAGERS PHYSICALLY CARRY THE ARTICLES
ACROSS THE ROTUNDA IN A HIGH-PROFILE PROCESSION. YES. THEY MUST INITIATE… THE TRANSFER OF THE ARTICLES. (OMINOUS MUSIC)
FIRST, EACH MEMBER OF CONGRESS STEPS FORWARD TO SEAL THE TEXT
WITH A SINGLE DROP OF BLOOD. THEN, THE SACRED RUNES ARE DRAWN
FROM BENEATH JERROLD NADLER’S JOWLS, AND LO, A SNOW-WHITE RAM
IS BROUGHT FORTH TO PLUCK THE MAIDENHEAD OF ADAM SCHIFF. THEN, THEY WAIT A WHILE FOR THE
ELEVATOR. LOT OF FOOT TRAFFIC THAT TIME OF
DAY. FINALLY, UNTO THE SENATE CHAMBER
THE SACRED ARTICLES ARE DELIVERED.q
BUT ONLY ONCE THE CHOSEN SEVENñr PRE-EUCLIDIAN DEMONIC AVATAR:
MC-CTHULU!Ñi OH, HELLO.e
( SPEAKING IN TONGUES ) OH, HELLO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I WAS SWEPT UP. I WAS IN A TRANCE. I WAS IN A TRANCE, Y’ALL. ACTUALLY, HERE’S WHAT IT REALLY
LOOKED LIKE. THEY WALKED IT ACROSS TO THE
SENATE. AFTER THE HISTORIC MARCH, THE
HOUSE CLERK ANNOUNCED THEY WERE READY TO PRESENT THE ARTICLES
TOMORROW, FORCING MITCH MCCONNELL TO READ THIS
UNCOMFORTABLE PHRASE:>>ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT
AGAINST DONALD JOHN TRUMP.>>Stephen: OOOOOH! DADDY LIKE! ( LAUGHTER )
BUT YOU READ IT TOO FAST. SAY IT AGAIN, ONLY SLOWER.>>ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT
AGAINST DONALD JOHN TRUMP. THE IMPEACHMENT OF DONALD… JOHN TRUMP. ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT AGAINST
DONALD… JOHN… TRUMP. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: OOOH, YEAH… THEY GOT IT UP THERE. SO THAT’S IT. THE DIE IS CAST. RUBICON CROSSED. TOOTHPASTE, DE-TUBED. IMPEACHMENT HAS MOVED TO THE
SENATE. BUT TRUMP IS STILL HOPING TO
AVOID A TRIAL. HE WANTS A VOTE TO DISMISS THE
CHARGES IMMEDIATELY, CITING HIS FAVORITE SOURCE, “MANY.” “MANY BELIEVE THAT BY THE SENATE
GIVING CREDENCE TO A TRIAL BASED ON THE NO EVIDENCE, NO CRIME,
READ THE TRANSCRIPTS, “NO PRESSURE” IMPEACHMENT HOAX,
RATHER THAN AN OUTRIGHT DISMISSAL, IT GIVES THE PARTISAN
DEMOCRAT WITCH HUNT CREDIBILITY THAT IT OTHERWISE DOES NOT HAVE. I AGREE!”
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
“GREAT ANALYSIS, FICTIONAL PEOPLE I MADE UP FOR THIS TWEET. THANKS, MR. PRESIDENT. YOU’RE VERY HANDSOME. REALLY? LIKE HANDSOME HANDSOME OR EXY
HANDSOME? WE SHOULD KISS. WHAT, NOW? IN FRONT OF ALL THESE FICTIONAL
PEOPLE? YOU BET YOUR SWEET LIL’ TUSH.” (KISSING)
WOW, YOU’RE A REALLY GOOD KISSER. LET’S DO THAT AGAIN. ( KISSING )
MONEY’S ON THE DRESSER.>>Jon: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!>>Stephen: IT’S ALL IN THE
FAMILY. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT, TURNS OUT, MCCONNELL DOESN’T HAVE ENOUGH VOTES TO
DISMISS, SO THE TRIAL IS ON LIKE JOHNSON, NIXON, CLINTON. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>>Stephen: HE GOT BALLS. ONE PERSON THAT THE SENATE MIGHT
WANT TO HEAR FROM IS RUDY GIULIANI ASSOCIATE AND THE
INSPIRATION BEHIND THE BELOVED SOVIET TOY, COMRADE TURNIP-FACE,
LEV PARNAS. YESTERDAY, THE HOUSE
INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE RELEASED MATERIALS THAT THEY GOT FROM
PARNAS THAT HAVE BEEN DESCRIBED AS “A TROVE OF RIDICULOUSLY
INCRIMINATING IMPEACHMENT EVIDENCE.” THAT’S PRETTY BAD. BECAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO TRUMP
CRIME, THE SCALE GOES: INCRIMINATING. VERY INCRIMINATING. RIDICULOUSLY INCRIMINATING, AND
RUDY ON MERLOT. YEAH. YEAH. DI-DI-DI-DI-DI. DI-DI-DI-DI, YEAH. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THE MOST DAMNING EVIDENCE IS A
SERIES OF HANDWRITTEN NOTES BY PARNAS ON STATIONERY FROM THE
RITZ-CARLTON HOTEL IN VIENNA THAT SAID THINGS LIKE, “GET
ZELENSKY TO ANNOUNCE THAT THE BIDEN CASE WILL BE
INVESTIGATED.” YOU DON’T WRITE THE CRIME DOWN,
YOU DUMMY! ( LAUGHTER )
IT DIDN’T HELP THAT THE NEXT NOTE WAS “LEAVE PAPER TRAIL OF
IMPEACHABLE OFFENSES,” AND “STEAL RITZ-CARLTON STATIONERY.” ( LAUGHTER )
ANOTHER ACTUAL NOTE IS A CRIME TO-DO LIST:
ONE– PUT TOGETHER PACKAGE. TWO– GO TO D.C. WITH PACKAGE. ( LAUGHTER )
ANOTHER TWO– DO MY “MAGIC” AND CUT “DEAL.” HOLD ON. HE CALLS COMMITTING CRIMES
“DOING MY MAGIC?” “BELIEVE ME, WHEN I DO MY MAGIC,
PEOPLE DISAPPEAR. ABRA-CADAVER! TA-DEAD!”
IN THE FINAL NOTE, IN BIG, BOLD LETTERS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE
PAGE, PARNAS WRITES WHAT IS PERHAPS THE MOST INCRIMINATING
WORD OF ALL: “RUDY.” ( LAUGHTER )
YOU HAVE TO WRITE IT DOWN BECAUSE IF YOU SAY HIS NAME
THREE TIMES, HE APPEARS ON FOX NEWS AND INCRIMINATES YOU IN A
CRIME. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE ARE ALSO TEXTS, LIKE THIS
ONE IN WHICH PARNAS COMPLAINS THAT A CORRUPT UKRAINIAN
OFFICIAL’S VISA TO VISIT THE U.S. WAS DENIED, AND GIULIANI
RESPONDS, I CAN REVIVE IT. ( LAUGHTER )
I BELIEVE RUDY CAN BRING THINGS BACK FROM THE DEAD. HE ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE HE’S
SCREAMING, “IT’S ALIVE!” ( LAUGHTER )
GIULIANI SAID HE TOOK IT ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP, TEXTING, “IT’S
GOING TO WORK. I HAVE NUMBER ONE ON IT.” BY NUMBER ONE, I ASSUME HE MEANS
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP, WHO IS IN SOME DEEP NUMBER TWO. ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE THE MATERIALS ALSO INCLUDE A LETTER FROM GIULIANI
TO UKRANIAN PRESIDENT ZELENSKY REQUESTING A MEETING IN HIS
CAPACITY AS PERSONAL COUNSEL TO PRESIDENT TRUMP, AND WITH
TRUMP’S KNOWLEDGE AND CONSENT. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
YES, TWO WORDS NOT GENERALLY ASSOCIATED WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP:
KNOWLEDGE AND CONSENT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.>>Jon: WHOA, TWO. NUMBER TWO. YEAH.>>Stephen: SO TRUMP KNEW AND
APPROVED OF WHAT GIULIANI WAS DOING. PARNAS ALSO IMPLICATES A WHOLE
HOST OF COLORFUL CORRUPTION-FUL CRIMINALS. LIKE FORMER UKRAINIAN TOP
PROSECUTOR AND CHERNOBYL CHARACTER WHO’S ABOUT TO LEAVE
HIS FRIEND IN THE REACTOR YURI LUTSENKO. LUTSENKO WAS IN TOUCH WITH
PARNAS BECAUSE HE WANTED TO GET RID OF U.S. AMBASSADOR TO
UKRAINE MARIE YOVANOVITCH, BECAUSE SHE HAD BEEN CRITICAL OF
HIS OFFICE. IN EXCHANGE, HE WAS OFFERING
PARNAS DAMAGING INFORMATION RELATED TO FORMER VICE PRESIDENT
JOE BIDEN. HOW MUCH OF THE UKRAINIAN
ECONOMY IS JUST BUYING AND SELL DIRT ON JOE BIDEN? DOES THE KYIV AIRPORT STOCK IT
AT THE DUTY-FREE? ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) OVER TEXT MESSAGES, LUTSENKO
PRESSURED PARNAS TO GET RID OF YOVANOVICH. HE WROTE THAT HE HAD “TESTIMONY
ABOUT TRANSFERS TO B”– NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS. MAYBE BURISMA, MAYBE BIDEN–
BUT LAMENTED THAT “HERE YOU CAN’T EVEN GET RID OF ONE FEMALE
FOOL”– MEANING YOVANOVICH– ADDING “FROWNY FACE EMOTICON.” IF THAT WASN’T CLEAR ENOUGH, HE
ALSO SENT THIS ANIMOJI:>>”DISPOSE OF THE WOMAN.”>>STEPHEN: CLEARLY, PARNAS HAD
A JOB TO DO: GET RID OF MARIE YOVANOVICH. SO THIS GOON SUBCONTRACTED AN
UNDER-GOON. ENTER REPUBLICAN CONGRESSIONAL
CANDIDATE AND TEN POUNDS OF MAN IN A FIVE-POUND SUIT, ROBERT F. HYDE. EVIDENTLY, DR. JEKYLL WAS
UNAVAILABLE. TO GET HYDE RILED UP, PARNAS
SENT HYDE TWEETS FROM CONSERVATIVE MEDIA PERSONALITIES
DISPARAGING YOVANOVITCH. IN RESPONSE, HYDE TEXTED, “CAN’T
BELIEVE TRUMO HASN’T FIRED THIS BITCH. I’LL GET RIGHT IN THAT.” OKAY, PLEASE, SPELL-CHECK YOUR
HATEFUL, MISOGYNIST THREATS! YOU SOUND DUMBER THAN TRUMO! ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 13 HOURS LATER, HYDE STARTED
GIVING PARNAS UPDATES THAT MADE IT SOUND LIKE HE HAD PEOPLE
STALKING YOVANOVICH IN UKRAINE: “SHE HAD VISITORS.” “IT’S CONFIRMED WE HAVE A PERSON
INSIDE.” “SHE’S TALKED TO THREE PEOPLE. HER PHONE IS OFF. COMPUTER IS OFF.” IT’S THE POLITICAL SEQUEL TO
“YOU”… “EW.” ( LAUGHTER )
THEN, THINGS GOT EVEN MORE SINISTER. HYDE TEXTED, “THE GUYS OVER THEY
ASKED ME WHAT I WOULD LIKE THEM TO DO AND WHAT’S IN IT FOR
THEM.” “THEY ARE WILLING TO HELP IF
WE/YOU WOULD LIKE A PRICE.” AND “GUESS YOU CAN DO ANYTHING
IN THE UKRAINE WITH MONEY… WHAT I WAS TOLD.” TO WHICH PARNAS REPLIED:
L.O.L. ( LAUGHTER )
YES, L.O.L., WHICH I’M GUESSING DID NOT STAND FOR “LET’S OBEY
LAWS.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) SO IT LOOKS LIKE THIS GUY ROBERT
HYDE WAS THREATENING A U.S. AMBASSADOR TO PLEASE RUDY
GIULIANI’S BUDDY LEV PARNAS. BUT COME ON, THIS GUY WAS AN
ASSOCIATE OF AN ASSOCIATE OF A LAWYER REPRESENTING THE
PRESIDENT. THERE’S NO WAY TO TIE HIM
DIRECTLY TO TRUMP. OTHER THAN THIS PHOTO. AND THIS PHOTO. AND THIS FUN SELFIE. AND HERE HE IS WITH DON JR.,
ERIC, MIKE PENCE, TRUMP ADVISER ROGER STONE, AND ONE WITH HOUSE
MINORITY LEADER KEVIN MCCARTHY, AND, BECAUSE, HEY, WHY NOT? HERE HE IS WITH THE MYPILLOW
GUY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO. THERE HE IS. ( PIANO RIFF )
WHILE HE WAS BEING IMPEACHED, TRUMP SIGNED A MILD REDUCTION IN
HIS TRADE WAR WITH CHINA. THE DEAL WAS A LITTLE THIN ON
SPECIFICS, BUT TRUMP FILLED AN HOUR, MOSTLY SHOUTING OUT PEOPLE
IN THE AUDIENCE.>>WHERE IS JARED? WHERE IS JARED? WHERE’S HANK? HANK GREENBERG? DAVID, WHERE ARE YOU, DAVID? WHERE’S DAVID? DAVID? WHERE’S DAVID? MIKE KELLY. WHERE IS MIKE? WHERE IS KEVIN MCCARTHY? WHERE’S JOHN? WHERE’S JOHN? WHERE’S CHUCK? WHERE IS LARRY? WHERE’S WILBUR? WHERE’S JERRY? WHERE’S TOM? WHERE’S KEVIN? WHERE IS MIKE ROUNDS? WHERE’S NELSON? NELSON IS AROUND HERE SOME
PLACE. WHERE ARE YOU, KEN? WHERE THE HELL IS HE? WHERE THE HELL IS KEN? BY THE WAY, DO I SEE JOHN THUNE
IN THIS AUDIENCE?>>STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
“WALDO? WHERE’S WALDO? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHERE IS — WHERE IS — WHERE IS ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) MARCO? MARCO? NO? POLO? MARCO? POLO? WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN
SANDIEGO? WHERE IS
BUELLER? BUELLER?”
LAUGH HE KEPT GOING, NAMING EVERYBODY
IN THE ROOM. IT WAS ALMOST LIKE THERE WERE
IMPEACHMENT STUFF HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME THAT HE WAS TRYING
TO DISTRACT FROM… WHICH IS SOMETHING TRUMP SEEMED
TO REMEMBER WHEN HE POINTED OUT A LAWYER IN THE CROWD.>>STEPHEN VAUGHN, KING AND
SPALDING. STEPHEN, KING AND SPAULDING. I COULD USE SOME GOOD LEGAL
ADVICE. DO YOU HAVE SOME GOOD LAWYERS
OVER THERE? I COULD USE SOME GOOD LAWYERS. AW, THE HELL WITH IT. I JUST HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH IT
THE WAY I HAVE ALL MY LIFE. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>>STEPHEN: WAIT… WHAT HAVE YOU SUFFERED THROUGH
YOUR WHOLE LIFE? (AS TRUMP)
“POOR ME, I GOT SO MUCH MONEY FROM MY FATHER THAT I CAN’T FIT
IT ALL IN MY WALLET, WHICH MAKES IT HARD TO TAKE OFF MY PANTS
WHEN I’M CHEATING ON MY WIFE WITH A PORN STAR. OH, WELL, TO LIVE IS TO
SUFFER… SO SAYS THE BUDDHA, THAT FAT ( BLEEP ).” WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT! ANDREW YANG IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
“MEANWHILE!” WHY NOT?

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