Fox News on Impeachment Hearings: Where’s The Sex? | The Daily Show

Fox News on Impeachment Hearings: Where’s The Sex? | The Daily Show

Yesterday was a historic day in America. I finally tried kombucha. Yeah. It’s… okay. But it was also an historic day because the House held its first
public impeachment hearing, where the ambassador to Ukraine
and the inventor of flubber both testified about
President Trump’s quid pro quo with the president of Ukraine. And this testimony was
a pretty big deal, because for the first time,
the American public heard from nonpartisan officials about how the president abused
his powers for personal gain. And even though millions
of people have been talking about these hearings,
over on Fox News their analysis
of this impeachment is… “Meh.”
(blows raspberry) -There’s no way that…
-(chuckling) normal, ordinary people,
Middle America, are gonna watch a passel
of lawyers going at it over the details
of who said what to who– -No. -some obscure official
from a foreign country. This is about a transcript
of a phone call with a country
no one cares about. You can’t follow–
he said, she said, she said, he said, he said. I don’t know what language
“quid pro pro” is… -It’s Latin, okay?
-Is it Latin? It-It’s Latin to everybody.
People don’t understand that. No one can find Ukraine
on a map. If you ask the American people
anything about Ukraine, they don’t know a thing
about it. -Wow!
-(gasps, laughter) So what, according to Fox News,
Americans are too dumb to follow
these impeachment proceedings? “The word ‘impeachment’
is very confusing. “Maybe we should call it
a ‘presidential boo-boo.’ Would that help?” You know what’s…
what’s funny is how… when it was Hillary’s scandal,
Fox News was like, “Now, as we all know,
Banghazi isn’t just home “to Libya’s
signature dish, bazin, “it’s also a hotbed of support
for Ansar al-Shar… Sharia, “especially
around Tahrir Square. This is a big thing in Libya…” But then, when it’s
a Donald Trump scandal, all of a sudden they’re like,
“What’s a Ukraine? -(laughter)
-“Ukraine? Do Ukraine? “Do I-kraine? “Frasier Crane? -(cheering, applause)
-The bird crane?” Because look,
even if people don’t understand every aspect about the Ukraine
scandal, that doesn’t mean that they can’t still grasp
its importance. Like, I don’t know what
a second cousin once removed is. (laughter) What I do know is
I’m not supposed to marry them. (laughter) I’m sorry, Sheila, I know
it would make Grandma happy, -but it just can’t happen.
-(laughter) And Fox News is coming up
with all kinds of ways to convince people
that even if you do have a PhD in Ukraine-iology, these hearings still
just aren’t worth watching. In fact,
sometimes if you watch Fox, like, it looks like
they’re straight-up trying to hypnotize their viewers
into not caring. This has nothing to do
with national security. (chuckles):
It’s all just an illusion. The whole thing is a charade. First know this–
it isn’t important. Everything you’re gonna see
in the next two weeks is rigged. This is a phony show trial. There is zero due process. None. We don’t want
to overinflate its importance, which is questionable. This is stupid. A week from now,
you won’t remember the details. -Look deep into my eyes.
-(laughter) A week from now you will
remember none of the details. And when I snap my fingers,
you’ll wake up and think racism only happens
to white people. Three, two, one. Snap! Like, what is that? You know it’s crazy
that after the first day– the first day–
of the impeachment hearings, Fox has already written off
the entire process. Which clearly shows you they have no intention
of being objective at all. They sound less like journalists
and more like mean girls trying to sabotage
someone’s sweet 16. Just like,
“I’ve heard nobody’s going. “It’s gonna be, like,
a stupid party, “and Ashley’s dad
is gonna be the deejay. Oh, my God.” -I mean, like…
-(cheers and applause) It’s the same. I don’t know…
I don’t know if Donald Trump is gonna be found guilty
or not, but you’ve got to at least
watch the full proceedings before you make a determination. Otherwise, you don’t have
the full story. You know, like, if you only
watched the first half of Get Out, you’d just think
it was a beautiful movie about an interracial couple. Yeah, it would be like,
“Her family’s kind of weird but every family’s
kind of weird.” But if calling
their viewers dumb or using mind control
doesn’t work, Fox has come up
with another reason to ignore
the impeachment hearings, and that is it’s just not
binge-worthy TV. There is not a single person outside the
Washington, D.C. Beltway, that gives a damn
about what happened today. -It’s boring.
-It was a total snooze fest. It was kind of boring
to watch on television. It was really just a huge dud. There wasn’t anything sexy
about it. There was not some big new piece of information that came out. With, uh, Richard Nixon,
there was a break-in. With, um, uh, Bill Clinton, -there was sex in
the Oval Office. -Yeah. Yeah. With Trump, it’s a phone call
to Ukraine. There’s no burglary.
There’s no break-in. There’s no tapes. There’s
no dress. There’s no sex. It’s not a sexy scandal. Russia was sexy. This has no intrigue whatsoever. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re saying
Trump’s impeachment is boring and unsexy? You know, if Trump hears that
it’s gonna piss him off, right? He’s gonna come out like, (mimics Trump): “My impeachment
will be the most exciting ever. “I’ll break into a hotel. “And best believe, I’ll jizz
all over this dress. “Don’t make me do it. “Don’t make me
do it. “I’ll do it. (cheers and applause) “Just make sure
you wash it afterwards. “I can’t risk
making another Eric. Don’t want to take a chance.” (normal voice):
Here’s the thing, people: These hearings are investigating whether the president
of the United States committed high crimes
or misdemeanors. So they’re supposed to be
serious, not about excitement. You know, impeachment
is like a family reunion: if it’s sexy, something
has gone horribly wrong. Sheila, please, don’t make
things weird at the barbecue. I’m begging you.
Please. Now, look,
here at The Daily Show, we want to help Fox viewers get into the impeachment spirit because this is a really
important time in America. So if they can’t pay attention
to the scandal unless it’s sexy, well, then, you know what? We’ll make it sexy. (doorbell rings) Did somebody order some…
military aid? I was getting so desperate
for your missile. I’m gonna need some dirt
on Joe Biden first. ♪ ♪ (woman sighs) ♪ ♪ Put that quid in my quo. Oh, I’ll put the quid
in your quo. ♪ ♪ I’m gonna blow that whistle. -Oh, yeah.
-(whistle blowing) Give me that dirt
on Joe Biden. Yeah, dirt on Joe Biden. I’m gonna quid! NARRATOR:
Oh, yeah.


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