Ellen’s Favorite Funny Ladies: Amy Schumer

Ellen’s Favorite Funny Ladies: Amy Schumer


– Okay. All right. She’ll raise… whatever that is.
I don’t know what it is, but get ready
to lose your shirt and your stuff
and your vest. Oh, hi.
Hello. We were just doing
a meeting–a work meeting. So, off, go.
Scram. I love your pants,
by the way. Today–it’s just that easy. Today, we’re gonna do something
a little bit different. I’m gonna sit here. You’re gonna
sit wherever you are, and we’re going to look back
at all the funny ladies that I’ve had on my show
this past season, besides me, you guys. Anyway, one of the funniest
women I talked to this year was Amy Schumer. Actually, I barely had
to talk, she just talked
and I sat back and I laughed and laughed and laughed
and laughed and I let her talk. – Hi.
– Hi. – How’s the poster doing
that we gave you? – Well, I realized
when I got home that it was a hostile,
hostile gift. – What?
– Yes. – You love the Hemsworth
brothers. – I love
the Hemsworth brothers, and I got the opportunity
to meet them at the Vanity Fair party
last year, but my sister took
a horribly blurred photo and so I’ve never
forgiven her. – Um, we’re no longer in touch.
– No. – No, I’m just kidding. But then, so you got me
that portrait. I live in Manhattan, so my apartment is
the size of this chair. So it takes up my whole
apartment. – Oh, no.
– Yeah. And people think I’m–
like, have a really weird pro– like, they think I stalk them, and they’re just, like,
concerned for me, so that was a rude gift, and you could have just gotten
me, like, a plant. – I am so sorry. Well, I will give you a plant
while you’re here instead. – Thank you.
Thank you. – Why don’t you–
no, no. – No, that’s mine. No.
– Oh. Okay. – You just can’t take
whatever you want. – Oh, okay.
– No. – Why don’t you move here, and
then you’d have a bigger place? Do you like it here? – But–[sighs]
I mean, I don’t fit in here–just,
like, straight up body type. Like, in L.A.,
my arms register as legs. They’re just like–
[laughter] [laughter] They’re like,
“Why is that octopus on Sunset?” “Is that–”
[laughter] It’s not–
it’s not for me out here. – No?
– It’s not, no. But I–you know. – What do you do when
you’re here? – I cry.
I just sit in my room… [laughter]
Bawling. No, I– Well, last time I was here,
right from the show, I got courtside tickets
to a Laker game. – That’s fun.
– Yeah, ’cause my– my business agent thought
I was mad at him for sexually harassing me. – Well–
– But no, I’m 33, so I’m just starting to really
appreciate that, – you know what I mean?
– I see, I see. – Well, it’s true.
I can’t speak for everyone. I’m not like
“Sexually harass–” but, in your 20s,
I feel like you walk around– like you’ll walk past
a construction site, and be kind of like,
“Oh, don’t look–” But then, in your 30s, you know,
I’m just like, “What about this?”
[laughter] “Like, how about–”
[laughter] It’s like my skirt’s over
my head. I’m like, “Aah.”
[laughter] They’re like, “We’re eating.” But, uh–
[laughter] [laughter] It changes, it really does. It changes, so–
So I got courtside seats, which–you’ve sat courtside
at a game, right? – I have, yeah.
– I thought–I went– I thought it would be
free booze. Um…
[laughter] It’s not, it’s not.
[laughter] I guess you have to be on
the team to get free booze. So…
– [laughs] – I go, I get randomly seated
next to Dianna Agron. You know, the actress.
She was on “Glee.” She played the cheerleader,
Quinn? I mean, that lets you know
how hot she is. Yeah–oh, there we go.
There’s the picture. Thanks for–yes.
Isn’t that great? [laughter]
She’s like– the most gorgeous girl ever. Her name was “Quinn”
on that show. – To pull off that name?
– Yeah. – Like if my name were “Quinn”
on a show, they’d be like, “Oh, the jolly
Irish groundskeeper, that–” [laughter] “Does a jig time and again,”
you know. But so she’s there.
Is she not like an angel? So–and the whole night,
she’s like, She’s like this… ’cause she knows people are
taking pictures of her. I obviously don’t. [laughter] I learned a lot.
I learned that my resting face, is just a scowl, it’s just–
[laughter] [laughter] And I learned–and you can see– that I have what I’m now calling
an “at-risk chin.” [laughter] This is not a good section! [laughter]
If I–if I don’t, like keep it at sea level,
it just doubles itself, just– [laughter] I become the dinosaur in
the jeep in “Jurassic Park,” just “Fff!” [laughter] So I’m like–no idea people are
taking pictures. I’m pounding red wine,
and I– I thought it was free–
and I– [laughter] I get red wine teeth right out
the gate, you know? Like,
just first sniff of merlot, just “True Blood” mouth. I look like I’ve been feeding,
and I’m eating popcorn, the way I think we all
eat popcorn, which is– you know, at first, don’t you
always kind of start out kind of like lying to yourself? Like, “I don’t know,
I’ll have a little.” Ehm.
[laughter] Like one piece at a time,
you know? And then–and then, like,
you get a little more real. Right?
[laughter] and then eventually,
you just–you get “real” real. And just “gah!” [laughter] Like, I’ve split my lip trying
to get one more kernel– [laughter] It’s true.
In my dumb mouth. It is true. – [laughing hard] – And so that’s what happened.
If you Google me, it’ll be– And I–I look like her,
actually. I look like her if she were
stung by a million bees. [laughter] It’s true! I look like her if she were,
like, becoming the Hulk. That’s–
[laughter] And she–you know,
she wanted to be friends, and I’m like, “I can’t.
I can’t. We don’t have–
we’re not the same thing.” Like she was telling me
hot people problems, you know. She’s like,
“He won’t stop calling.” And I’m like,
“[whine], I hate that.” [laughter] Do you eat popcorn like that,
though? – Are you a popcorn lover?
– Yeah, I do. And I eat it exactly like that.
– Right? – Yes.
– I mean, that’s why– I’m so annoyed–
I’m single again, so I’m going to have to start
dating some guy, and we’ll go to the movies
and he’ll be like, “Do you want to get popcorn?”
and I have to be like, “Oh, I hadn’t even thought
about it.” [laughter] He’s like, “What size?”
and I’m like, “[giggles] A small.
Look at me.” [laughter] Right, like a small popcorn?
That’s like taking one Advil. Like, “get outta here.” [laughter] “Get–I want a trough. And I want to dunk my head
in it.” And–and then, you know. I’ll be pretending not
to think about the popcorn. – Hilarious.
So when you say you’re gonna start dating again,
that means that you’re– are you dating at all? – No, I, um– Well, I know everyone here
is like, “How do we date you?” Thank you. [laughter] You can’t, and not just ’cause
I’m not totally out of the woods with this UTI I have right now,
but also– [laughter] but also–
Thank you. [laughter and applause]
Oh, my God. [laughter and applause] No, but I’m not on any
dating websites. I don’t–I’m on–I have one,
like, app on my phone that’s kind of–
it’s called “Foodspotting.” [laughter] And it’s like Tinder, but
for food, so, it lets me know– – Is this real?
– This is totally real. It lets–they let you know about
food in your area. So, like, this week in L.A.,
I was eyeing this one particular scone. And uh–
[laughter] Under a mile away. Coincidence?
Probably not. [laughter] So, I’m like, “Should I go?”
And my friends are like, “Go! Like, check it out!” So I went to the scone, and
I kind of just sidled up to it, and I was like, “Oh, my God, you
look just like your picture.” [laughter] So I’m kind of dating.
Kind of dating. – It’s different than that.
You should– [laughs] Oh, my God.
– It’s pretty much the same exact thing.
– Hilarious. It’s almost exactly the same.
– Yeah. – So, you’re hosting
the awards. Now, is this something that
you think about? Do you get nervous about?
Have you hosted an awards show? – No, the only thing I’ve hosted
so far is HPV, so… [laughter]
I feel– [laughter] No, it’s not detectable
in my system. I just went back
to annual Paps, but– [laughter] I’m really excited.
No, I didn’t– – It’s so weird that
you’re not dating. I don’t know why.
– I know. Where is it?
– What’s wrong? – Why? I didn’t even know I was up
for the job. And I got to do a show
at Carnegie Hall. You know,
a dream for a comic. – Yep.
– And I’m from New York, so I–and that night,
I was just so excited. All my high school friends
were there. And then, my publicist,
Carrie Byalick…Bialick, something like that.
[laughter] She’s like my best friend,
and I’m just, like, nervous. But she–she was like,
“You got it!” And I was just like, “What?”
And it was– She’s like,
“You’re hosting.” And my high school friends
went crazy. Now they finally think
I’ve made it. They’re just like, “MTV!” I’m like, “How old–
we’re in our 30s, relax.” But–
[laughter] Yeah, I don’t know.
My friends actually– There’s an article–I was on the
cover of “Entertainment Weekly,” which I’m so proud of.
– I know, look at this! I mean, look at the cover of–
– Yay! [cheers and applause]
Me! I was so excited about that. – Yeah, mini–
little alcohol bottles. – Those are actually full size,
but I am a giant. – Oh, I see.
[laughter] [laughter] – I’m on “Game of Thrones.”
You like me? But one of my best friends,
Chelsea Peretti, she had a quote–they asked
questions about me, and she said, “Amy doesn’t care
what anyone thinks of her to a clinical degree.” And I was like,
“Kind of an insult,” but she’s right. So I’m just–I just want to have
a really good time, and I want everybody to laugh. – That’s how everyone
should live, is to not worry about what
anybody thinks. That’s the best way to be
full of yourself. – Yeah.
– So this movie, you are starring in it,
you wrote it. Judd Apatow is directing and
producing, right? – I also did craft service
on it. I, um…
[laughter] I drove the trailers.
Uh, yes, Judd directed it. – But you wrote it.
I mean, that– So it is called– – “Trainwreck.”
– “Trainwreck.” – Now, is it about me? Yes.
Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
Of course, it’s about me. Yeah, “Trainwreck.” It’s a story about a girl, who’s, you know, in her 30s, and, like, her behavior isn’t
really cute anymore, all the drinking and spreading
herself a little too thin. And–
[laughter] Whoa, judgmental. And, uh–
[laughter] Guys. I’m fine.
And then– And, you know,
she falls in love, and– – And when is this coming out? – It’s actually not.
They decided not to release it. [laughter] July 17th.
– July 17th. – Can I stay with you
till then? Because I haven’t gotten
my first check for the movie. Is that cool, or– – Plenty of room.
– Okay, cool, thank you! – Yeah.
We would love to have you. That’d be great.
Bring your Hemsworth brothers– – I do–I travel with that.
Yes. – You do have it
with you. And your show is coming back on
Comedy Central for the third season.
– Yes! – Starting up again,
congratulations. – Thank you.
[cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]
This season, I’m so proud. – Yeah?
– Yes, April 21st. Yeah, please watch it.
Don’t just clap and then like, not watch it, okay? [laughter]
Be cool. Be real. – Oh, my God. You make me laugh so–
you’re hilarious.

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