Eating Ass Is a Love Language (feat. Chris Distefano) – You Up w/ Nikki Glaser

Eating Ass Is a Love Language (feat. Chris Distefano) – You Up w/ Nikki Glaser


– You had this bit on 9/11
that went up the other day and you should go find
it on his Instagram. It’s probably in one of
the most recent posts, but it’s like a 10-minute
story about your 9/11 story and it’s hilarious and it went kinda viral from what I can tell. – Oh my God. – Yeah, it’s on, oh Kiefer
Sutherland what’s up? – Hey, Kief.
– Yeah, wow look at him. – Wow. – 24 minutes left to live. (laughing) – Kiefer just walked
by, if you’re listening. – God damn it, I was trying
to think of something with 24 so bad and I knew it wasn’t gonna come and then you nailed it. – Thank you, brah. – 24 minutes left to live. – [Andrew Collin] Fucking shit. – That just told you
everything you wanted to know about what we just saw
when Kiefer Sutherland walked by. – Thank you. – Oh man, that was good. – [Chris Distefano] That’s a good joke. – Is that a jackpot moment,
is that like when you guys say jackpot? – Yeah, jackpot. You hit
jackpot with that joke. – [Andrew] Yeah, jackpot. (rock music) – Get you up with Nikki Glaser. Anya Marina in studio, my best friend, birthday was yesterday, happy belated. – Aww, thank you girl. – Andrew Collin, another
one of my best friends. I’m putting you up there. – Thanks girl. – Yeah, welcome back to the show, Andrew. You almost missed the studio. You were walking back from the bathroom, we just saw you just
walk, rush right past it. – I Kiefered. (laughing) – You totally Kiefered and no one tried to get your attention. I go, “No, no, no, I
wanna see him realize it.” And it was a beautiful moment. And Chris Distefano, not
one of my best friends, but like, a good friend. – But a good friend. A good friend and I think
maybe not a best friend, but I would argue that we’ll
be friends for an extremely long amount of time, like our
whole careers, whole lives. – One of us will be at
the other one’s funeral. – Thousand percent. – Will you, if I die tragically
within the next month or two, will you cancel
a road date to come back and be there for it. – Um, uh… – Okay, well that’s not, that’s not – [Chris] Hold on, hold on, hold up. – That’s not what I
thought I was gonna get. I thought it was gonna be an immediate yes because really, what, you
have nothing to lose here by saying yes, but I guess you
just wanna be honest with me. – Well, the thing is, I’m
just started to get a little momentum in my career, so it’s
just, the part of it that, that part of it is it
would, if it was last year, it would be a hard… cause I
wasn’t selling tickets anyway, but now it’s like if, to cancel something – There’s people that expect you. – and I have a fucking hype, I mean, I got a high monthly nut. I got a lot of leachers, leaches. – Leachers? – I got a lot of, I’ll
come, I’ll be there. – Thank you.
– What if it was a coma? – What you could do, you could – I would go. – Vice versa?
– Is it in New York? – I don’t know that I would do it for you. – Okay. – So that’s genuine. Because, I mourn in my own way, and I don’t want to be,
like I’ll want to celebrate your life, I’ll go to
like whatever kind of – Wake? – Wake or like you know, where you go and watch a bunch of people stand up, like, we did to the stand. – Okay, yes. – I saw you there for that. – To watch that buffet of mental illness. People just come and take the microphone. – Dude, I would love for
you to speak at mine. – I’ll speak at yours. – What would you say? Let’s say Nikki died. – No, no, no, I don’t want to
do this, that’s too creepy. – That’s too creepy? – Last night, you like
shared your feelings – Really, all the last five minutes haven’t been super-morbid,
you fuckin’ weirdos? – Really? – Both of you! – Oh, I don’t find anything
morbid about talking about the fact that we’re
all gonna die someday. – Yeah.
– I mean, it could happen. We could have a hypothetical wake. – We could Instagram it to you, you’d get a lot of views for that. – Oh yeah, that would work. – But you’d be freaked out
to heart what he would say? – Yeah, I don’t want to
hear what, like last night, – Yeah, I know what I would say. – Last night at Anya’s birthday dinner, she was like “I want
to honor everyone here and tell them a snapshot
of what you mean to me. – I didn’t say honor,
but I did mean honor. – Well that’s what you
meant, you were like it means so much to me
that all, I wanted just a small group of friends
and I want to tell each of you what you mean to me and how I think of you and like what’s the story that
stands out to me about you. – And look at these pussies. – And we went around the
table and it was so sweet. And then she got to me and I was like “I don’t even want to be here, can you just tell them
and I go to the bathroom? Because I don’t like, – Yeah. – Yeah. – I don’t, no one’s I
think really comfortable with like hearing that. – Some people are. – It’s that love language stuff, right? Where it’s like “What’s
your love language? – Yeah, what’s yours? – Mine is, mine is physical touch. – Same. – I don’t want you to ever give me words of affection, like tell me how great I am, please don’t do that. I don’t ever want you to give me a gift. I don’t need any gifts from you. – No. – Please don’t give me anything or tell me anything about
how great you think I am, just hold my hand, and then I’ll be like okay, this person likes me. You can do it so subtly, like birthdays. I’m like, the last thing I want is to fucking receive
a gift or go to my own birthday party. I don’t want to be here. – So the best thing a woman
in a relationship could do, I just took this quiz with a guy I like, and it’s so, it’s so interesting to do. There’s like 10 or 15 questions. But, if you were in a
situation with your girlfriend, and you could either have
her touch you physically in public, or tell you how great it was
that you paid for something last night, what would you rather have? – Touch me physically in public. Yeah. Yeah. – I want to hear how hot I am. – Yes, you love works of affection. – Compliments. And how much you want to fuck me. And, but I don’t need
to hear how funny I am because I know that. – You should know you’re hot too, though. – I do, but like, that’s
a little bit more like, I don’t want that, I can hear that from the, but I want to heart that from the person I want to
have sex with like a lot more. And I want to hear that
I’m funny from that person. But generally, I want compliments, and touch. What did you end up with? – I also, I think physical
touch is a big one, and words, like I like to know how a guy feels about me. – Yes. – That’s a big deal. – Yes. – Yeah. – Andrew, love language? – Uh, I don’t know, I
like a wedgie (laughter) when a girl just pulls my
underwear over my head. – What you like when your girlfriend does, what makes you feel loved? – If she paid for you? – The most loving thing
she can do for you? (laughter) – I don’t know. – What if she bought you a
Rolex or she touched you. – I love when a girl – When she told you you were hot in your real estate photos? (laughter) – Did you like that? – Yeah. – Just in that one.
– So you like a gift. – No, no. I like, I
honestly, I just like someone to be chill. I know that sounds like – That’s not a love language – Yes it is, yes it is. Someone that just has a real chill vibe. – We can look it up.
– Yeah, what are they? It’s like words of affection, – Words of affection, gifts – Okay, so words of affirmation, using words to build up the other person, “Thanks for taking out the garbage.” Not “It’s about time you
took out the garbage.” But more like “Thank you for that.” Or gifts. A gift says “He was thinking about me, look what he got me.” Acts of service, doing
something for your spouse that you know they would like. Cooking a meal, washing dishes. – Yeah, I love that, I like that. – You like that, acts of service. – I like that. – Quality time, by which
I mean giving your spouse your undivided attention, taking a walk together
or sitting on the couch with the TV off, talking and listening. – No. (laughter) – Physical touch. Holding hands, hugging,
kissing, eating ass are all expressions of love. (laughter) That’s so weird they’d add that one. – Yeah, it was weird. The third one is the
one, the acts of service I like a lot. – Acts of service. I don’t
want anything done for me. – If someone like cooks me something – Right, yeah, I don’t needs that either. – I don’t want, don’t clean – Why, do you think they
hold it over you then? – No, I just know the
way I like things done. You’re someone who, like,
you just give you something and you’re like I’ll eat it. And I’m like if you make
me something to eat, it’s not right, I want
to have more control over my stuff. – Yeah, I don’t mind giving away control. Like I’ll eat anything. – I love gifts in the sense
that I love to be treated on a date. Like it means a lot of me if a guy pays, or thinks of something special, I’m just like that blows me away, if a guy is like “I have this idea, let’s do this” and then he pays for it, it’s like, it just, it really does, it’s the way to my heart. That, and you got to
be physically touching. I hate it when a guy is like withholding. Remember I dated that English guy. – But you like PDA? Like in a subway you want to cuddle, not cuddle, but you know what I mean. – With the right person, right? – Yeah, totally. – It’s got to be the right person. – I don’t want to be gross about it. – People are watching you and
like these fucking dick heads. – I mean Chris and I were making out, – We were. – Like 3 weeks ago. – Wow. – And like people kept walking by. – That was really – That was really scary
for me because I was like – We were like in the
middle of the comedy club, the Fat Black. – If you go to the Fat Black Pussycat there’s the showroom and
then there’s the bar area and then there’s a little like corridor – Vestibule, there’s a vestibule. – That has two curtains, and we were making out in
the middle of those curtains. – Wait, really? – Yeah, no, I swear to God. I swear to God. And like multiple waitresses saw us. – So many. – They kept walking in. – And I kept, as soon as
I saw the curtain move, I would just like step away and like look up like I was
admiring the wallpaper. – That’s hot.
– I just kept staring at you. – And then, yeah, you were like I don’t care, and I was
like oh if you don’t care then I don’t care. – Yeah, it was fuckin’ great. – Yeah. It was, it was pretty thrilling. And, but, I, I don’t
mind people making out, like I don’t mind making
out between two curtains and having people like suddenly see, but at the bar, like fingering each other, no, no no. – Then it can be bordering
on disrespectful, right? – A little bit. – I had a boyfriend who
only wanted to make out in public and then didn’t
want to make out in private. The last guy, the older one. – What does that mean? – It was like, I felt that I was some kind of a weird trophy. He told me I was a
heteronormative blond girl. – Oh my God, why do you date these guys? They say uncomfortable, is it the same guy who said uncomfortable? – Yeah. – Oh my God. – He was the worst. I dumped him. – So many syllables, man. – He’s never been punched in the face, that’s my theory. He has generally never been beaten up. (laughter) – I’m sorry to cut you off. – No that’s fine. – Go ahead. – No, no no, I just,
when you’re on a subway and you have to say bye to someone, I always like (kissing). (laughter) – You always have a wet mouth. – Yeah, I know, my dad
had one, my grandpa. – Yeah, you’ve got a really wet mouth. – I don’t mind it though. (smacking) – Do you not? – I mean, it doesn’t bother me. – Wait, how wet is it?
Like you can see moisture? – I don’t know, I want to just fucking put something in there.
– You can put it in there. – We’re talkin’ subconscious. – I didn’t even realize I was doin’ it. – He is constantly
giving 23 and Me samples throughout the day. (laughter) – Yeah, tape a swipe. You’ll find out I’m 140%
jew, that’s all I am. – Oh, I’m German. – A wet Jew. (laughter) A wet-mouthed jew. – Isn’t that a fish? (laughter) – There’s a fish, what’s that fish called? – There’s a Jew fish.
– It’s called the Jew fish? – It’s the Goliath fish. – Well no, because I
just went to the aquarium in Atlanta, which is
like the biggest aquarium in the whole world. – Oh, it’s so good. – They have a white wale, or something. – I was there, they have
a fuckin’ beluga whale. – And a whale shark. – Yeah, and a whale shark. They’re the only aquarium,
I think one of the only ones that has it. It’s the biggest in the whole world. And we were, me and my
daughter and this guy Don (laughter) who was workin’ with me. – D? – Fuckin’ D. (laughter) Delilah and Donnie, and this family in front of us, the guy, it was that fish. Because the guy was like,
his kid asked a question or whatever, and he was like
“Oh, that’s the Jew fish.” (laughter) and he just kept
pointing at the screen and calling it the Jew fish, but not thinking, thinking like it’s a monk
fish but it’s the Jew fish. I was like, I don’t
think it’s the Jew fish. I think it’s another name
but it has a Jewish-looking face or something. – It was like this (making face), it looks like that. – It looks like Andrew. – Oh my God. – Yeah, it has a yamaka. It has a very gum mouth. The lip, the bottom lip, you can say “I need the money, I need”
like something like that. – But he was openly
calling it the Jew fish on a Friday afternoon. (laughter) – It was packed in there. – He also burned a mini cross in there. – Yeah. – No Goliath fish is what it’s called to. – Wait a second, so saying
goodbye in the subway you struggle with that
with your girlfriend? – Yeah, just the whole
like, yeah, I don’t know, I don’t like it. – Just a quick kiss. – I know, I do it, I do it, but I don’t love it. – You don’t love it. – You’ve grown a lot. – Well, do you know
what I think it is, you, because it’s like yeah,
because well you kiss her, she gets off the train, and now you’re just on the train like a fuckin’ idiot. – Yeah, yeah, exactly. That’s what it is. – No. Everyone wants what you have. You have a hot girl that just kissed you and said goodbye and you sexually pleased her the night before probably. – Yeah, you have the
most value on the train. – Yeah. – You’re the man. – Oh that is embarrassing, yeah, when you’ve kissed someone
and then you’re just – Sitting there. – I always think about like your face goes from this (smiling)
to then (frowning) you’re looking at your, you get that like serious face, it’s like who are, like, was that all a lie? – No, I keep smilin’. – You keep smilin’? – I want the other people in the train to like know I’m fuckin’,
I just got kissed. – I like that. You have a good attitude about everything in general I would say. – Everything. (laughter) – Amber’s seen some dark days. – Except life. – I never heard a more lie in my life. (laughter) – Why? – I’m just playin’. – Tell me what I don’t
have a good outlook about. – Life. – What do you mean? – Everything. – Tell me one thing. – You always find, you find
the negatives in everything. – Tell me one. – Your roast. What you destroyed. You destroyed. – Let’s talk about how much you destroyed. – Your two jokes. – It was like awkward,
how much you destroyed. (mumbles) – By awkward, he hated it. – Yeah. No, what do you mean? – No, I’m kidding. – I’m saying like awkward, like you’re mad that she did so well. – No, but see that’s the thing, that’s what is very like,
Nikki is a great example of like, when someone who
like deserves it and is great and who I of course saw
put in all the work, it’s like when it crushes, there’s not a, genuinely, not an ounce of animosity. It’s like, this is deserving. But so many people in our careers now are just getting shit, where you’re like you really actually don’t deserve this. – You don’t deserve this. – Like, I’m sorry, it’s
not about bitterness, it’s like you don’t, you genuinely don’t and you’re getting it because of these 2019 dynamics
and it gets frustrating. But it’s like, sometimes
I would struggle with like am I just being bitter? But it’s like no, because
when somebody does deserve it, it’s like nobody
has a problem with it. It’s like, oh yeah, she’s just, yeah, because she’s one of the ones. Not every, like, I guess
I’m trying to say like, it used to be like in the
80s, only a few people get specials, because it’s like, it’s a very sacred thing. So it’s like now, it’s like
everybody gets everything and it’s like, you’re ruining it. Like, not everybody’s
supposed to have a fuckin’ special. Why does everybody get one? It’s not, so but like
Nikki is one of those ones where it’s like, oh, she
would have been the one that got it in the 80s. You know what I mean?
– Yeah, cream of the crop. – Exactly. – I think it is why I work
so hard because I want – Cream of the crop,
that’s always why I want to finger her. (laughter) – That’s what her pussy tastes like. Sorry Nik. – Cream of corn? – That’s what I would say at your eulogy. – That’s what I’ve heard. – I would say she has a
cream of the crop pussy. (high five) – Thank you so much. (laughter) – God, that means so much to me. – Cream of wheat. Cream of the crop. I feel like mine’s French fries. – I’m like worried about
the electronics in here. – Why? Because it’s so wet? – Yeah. (laughter) – Between your mouth and
the pussies? (laughter) – Hey, how dare you? – How dare you Jew fish face? – That’s a new nickname. – Goliath. – Jew fish face, JFF. – JFL, Jew fish loser. – JFF to (mumbles) JFL. – Jew fish loser. – What about what friends,
like you’re getting words of affirmation right
now, Nikki, from friends. – No, it feels so good from people who know what they’re talking about, yeah. That’s all I want, is like – You don’t like blanket,
like, complements, like that are like, you’ve
heard them all the time. You know what I mean? You don’t even hear it. – No, that’s not true. No, I really love compliments. I’ll take any that I can get, any time. – Just not in person. – No. – You were just saying
that you don’t like that. – I beg to differ. – Why? What do you mean? – Just a little bit. Knowing you as long as I have, I would say there is a time and place
for a compliment with you, and knowing you as well as I do, I know, whoop, that was the wrong time to give that type of compliment, or whoop, that was the right, wrong time. I know what they are now. – Oh yeah, you don’t get
to compliment my looks at all anymore because I
just don’t like to be told – There are many stipulations. – You can all you want,
please, keep it coming. – So guys can. – Well you specifically. Guys that I’m into can. But like, anyone – Even if you’re having
a day where you hate how you look, I don’t
compliment how you look. – No, no, no. You can’t say I look pretty. I made a rule for my
friends, no more compliments. Like, whenever my
girlfriends get together, like last night, for your birthday, everyone’s like “You look so pretty, you look so pretty, your outfit” it’s like why do we start from that place every time. It’s like, and then I
looked like shit last night and I came from the spray
tan, no makeup, crazy hair. – You really didn’t, though,
you looked so hot last night. – Thank you. – I felt like very powerful
over you last night because I was standing
up looking down at you, telling you how good you are and be like you’re going to fuckin’
listen to me right now and I’m telling you
what I think about you. – Why am I aroused?
– I’m slipping off this chair. – I remember like sitting
there and I was like – And then you went and
fucked someone else. (laughter) – Whoops. – Christycomedy.com, Christycomedy.com – I make you feel that
way, and then you go out in the world and fuck someone else. – Well, you didn’t want to have sex. – You’re like a guy conversation. – I know. – If you wanted to have
sex, I would only want to have sex with you. But you don’t want to do it. – Yes I do. But there’s, it’s just
not gonna be that easy. – Can we put up two curtains? (laughter) – What else? – I was just talking
about how my daughter, fucking, I mean, she was
born with the ability to slice people. Like men, like she just
slices them with her words. I won’t tell the story about
BF because I’ll get in trouble, but, I will tell you what she said. So her brother, you know
my kid’s mom had a child from a previous relationship, her brother is lactose intolerant, so it’s like, you know almond milk, and dairy free products, and last week, we were at the park and they were arguing. He’s nine, she’s four. So like, you don’t think
a kid knows anything about like, you know, diary stuff. – Unless their father talks
shit about it all the time. – No, I don’t say it, I
never, I never said a word, I never said a word about
his lactose intolerance, like, it’s just something
that like as adults, we know to give him dairy-free products and almond milks and stuff like that. But like my daughter is
four, she doesn’t know what the fuck’s going on. She just eats what you
put in front of her. And they were arguing at the park about some bullshit. And the boy was like “If
you say one more word I’m gonna pop you in the mouth.” And she goes “You can’t even eat cheese.” (laughter) – Savage. – He like was staring
at the water fountain, she like skipped, I’m
not, she skipped away, like to go toward the swings. – Nah nah nah nah nah nah. – And as an adult, when it makes an adult laugh, like it’s a good joke. Because I want to put her in time out, but also be like yo,
that was fuckin’ awesome. – That was great. Can she write for me
next year for the roast? – I’m like you’re a witty little bitch. – That’s so good. – And then like the way,
I wish I could tell it on the radio, but I’ll
tell you guys after it, the way she like annihilates
the newest member of our family. It’s so funny, that I can’t, it’s like, I really get so fuckin’ excited that she’s so witty like that. Because I’m like oh my
God this girl’s so good! – Oh, that’s gotta be so rewarding. – The teachers are like,
yeah, she just rips, she like rips everybody apart in here. She like fuckin’ crushes. – I’d be proud. – I am proud. But I also have to be like,
you’re hurting people. (laughter) She told me once, she
told me once, she goes, I was trying to get off an exit and it was me and my mom was in the front and she was in the back and she goes, I was like “What exit is it Mom?” I’m like tryin’ and then my mom was like, you was like flustered,
she’s like I don’t know. And then I was like, oh fuck, and then I was like I missed the exit it. I said to my daughter, I was like, oh Daddy needs to make a decision. She goes, yeah, that’s
why Mommy’s not with you. (groaning) I swear to God. That was her immediate response. – Slice. – She was three when that happened. I was like, no that’s not true. – Does she ever hurt your
feelings in other ways, like have there been times? – No, she’ll say shit
like, I’m not even trying to be funny, my mother was
in the car as a witness. She says that like as
clear, like perfect English. She goes “That’s why
Mommy’s not with you.” and then it was like a moment of silence, (laughter) Like a baby. I swear to God. – There’s an adult in there. – Like the exorcist. – Like a baby, she was like “Apple juice?” – It’s genetic, right? Humor, it’s genetic. – I just think if you’re
around this all the time, it’s gonna rub off. – Yeah, maybe. Here’s one thing and my
mom, well, it gave me the chills. She, my daughter – I love this. – Yeah, my daughter at the
beginning of the year last year, the preschool teacher she
had was like a preschool teacher for like 35 years. So she’s seen it all. And she said “You know your daughter started putting on
everybody’s coats to like make people laugh and
we were all laughing.” It’s just a funny bit to just
put on everybody’s jackets. – Like piling them on. – Just piling them on,
walking around like a fucking Stay Puff marshmallow man, being like a Sumo wrestler. – Great bit. – But she was like “In 35
years, I’ve never seen a child even think to do that. It’s really funny and I
think you’re daughter’s got like a unique brain.” So I was like, cool, whatever. I didn’t think anything of it. And then like, that was
maybe on a Thursday, and then that weekend I
went by my mom’s house and I was telling my mom. The baby, the teacher said
she put on everybody’s jackets and it was like so silly. And she goes “Oh my God.” And then she goes into my room and pulls out a picture of me when I was three years old with
everybody’s jackets on – I just got chills. – That the teacher took a picture of. And she was like “Your
teacher, Ms. Schneider, RIP, said the same exact
thing. She was like I’ve never seen a kid do this. – Whoa DNA! You’re right. – That’s why I took a picture of him, and I was like, that gave me chills. I was like “Did we ever talk?” and my mom was like “I
forgot you even did that.” I was only reminded. That picture, it had like dust on it. She was like “I haven’t looked
at that box in 15 years.” – Oh my God! Amazing. – That we both had the
same bit in our heads. – I think it’s real. You know they have all these studies about identical twins that were separated and like live across the
world from each other and they have exactly
the same sense of humor or do the same kind of stuff. – Yeah. That makes me want a kid, that story. – I know. Well every story with his daughter makes me want a kid. She is so cute. – She could be an actress, your daughter, I think. She really is like
magnetic when you watch the videos. – Yeah, you’re focused on her face. – When she does the TaeKwonDo
and she just takes over the room just screaming
and she’s really talented. – She won’t say she loves you. I love how you just try to get I love, “Come on, tell Daddy.” – Yeah. – But you know what? She is so sweet, like, she’ll do that. I was at the Atlanta Punchline this week and it’s like shout out
Atlanta Punchline, thanks, for the 10 people that
showed up on the side of the diner. (laughter) – I know they have pies in that diner that have been there for 30 years. – They had ’em. – There was like this drunk
woman, as we were leaning, I brought her with me, Delilah with me, to the Thursday show, and as we were leaving,
whatever, she was drunk, no problem, she goes to me “You were
funny, I’ve seen better, but you were funny.” – What? – You know how people just say that, because whatever, drunk.
And then we get in the car, I strap her in, I don’t say
anything, I’m like whatever, that shit happens. The guy is driving,
the guy Don is driving. And she goes “Daddy, I’ve
never seen anybody better, you’re the best to me.” – Oh my God. – And then gave me a kiss on my arm. And I swear, she like pulled, I swear, Donnie, he fuckin’ saw this, she pulled my head down and was like “I love you so much.” (gasps) I swear. – Is any women every gonna
be able to get close to you? Because your daughter is
like the light of your life. I mean it’s so sweet. – This is the problem. I couldn’t believe it. I’m like what am I supposed to do, like what do you want me to do with you? And then, she just like
laughs and tickles. And then she does the same thing, she’ll say something like that – And then “Apple juice.” – It’s always back to then
she’ll be a baby again. That’s so weird. – That’s so cute. – Yeah. – Were you ever capable
of imaging this love before you had her? – No, that’s another thing too. That’s one of those things where I’m like, I used to be like “Love isn’t real” or like whatever people
say, but I was like there’s something in the universe, I don’t know if you can measure it, but like the love I have for her is a thing that I’ve
never experienced before, it’s a very, not that I ever
want to be in that situation, but it’s very much like
my life is for her, my life will be given for her, it’s very like whatever you need, it’s about her now. I think it almost feels like because she’s a part of me that’s real now.
Like you know what I mean? Like it’s an actual,
that’s me, that’s my DNA. – Yeah. – Half of it. And it’s like, she’s like, that’s me. – I gotta say, you’re someone I see that I’m like, man, having
kids does seem kind of great. I see great moments from other people, but through and through, the
way that you are with her and who it’s turned you
into and like what the, I didn’t really know you
before your daughter, but I like I just see every year with her, you get better and better
and you’re just like – Yeah, oh thanks. – But I think it’s because she’s like kinda straightened you
out a little bit, right? – Oh yeah, absolutely. She’s made me think outside myself. For the first time in my life. You know, for a long time – I guess as comics we need to do that, we need to have something to force us to. – All that stuff started to
go away because I had to, I couldn’t waste energy worrying about all these narcissistic bullshit things. – Is it selfish to have a
kid to get out of your own head just to be selfish
enough to have one? – Do it. Do it. – And then get rid of them
at 12? Yeah, it is bad. – I just want to stop being so selfish, so I’m going to selfishly have a kid to make me less selfish. Oh guys, chillin’ off air. – Here we are, off air. – I swear to God, if
there was bigger coffee I would get it. I’m glad that they have a – A cut off? – A cut off because it
would be embarrassing. When they out with Trenta, that’s just a humiliating size. But I want it. – Have you ever gotten a Big Gulp and put coffee in it? – No, have you? – You gotta, yeah. – Dunkin Donuts has big dogs. – That’s what you do. – Yeah, I just always
feel like such an addict, because I am. – Well yeah. – Like when you’re
drinking a gigantic coffee, it just looks sad. – Yeah, it’s like reading
a self-help book in public. (laughter) it’s like a flare gun for help. (music) – What are you reading right now? – Norm McDonald’s book. Based on a true story. It’s great. – How was it? – It’s so funny. It’s like Mark Twain
meets Hunter S. Thompson in voice of Norm McDonald. – Wow, that’s high praise. – Most of it’s made up. It’s so funny.
– Most of it’s made up. – Yeah, yeah, it’s couched
in like his memoir, so all of these people were like “Oh my God, we’re gonna
get the inside scoop on SNL.” And then like, it’s totally fake and in order to tell the story, he has to inject himself
with like morphine and it’s just like so well written, and he shits on Adam Eget the entire time, from the Comedy Store. – Yeah, do you know Adam Eget? – No. But it’s really funny
how he talks about him in the book. – Andrew, last book you read. – Beastie Boys autobiography. – Yeah, did you finish it? – I did finish it. I don’t remember any of it. But I do remember Rick Rubin
was an asshole, apparently, at some point. And then I remember, well the one died. I met one of the Beastie Boys when I was workin’ in grilled cheese. – What? – Yeah, I met – The grilled cheese industry? – Yeah, I was workin’ in grilled cheese for a while there at the Melt Shop. I was a cashier. – In grilled cheese is
such a ridiculous way to phrase that. That’s what people say about finance, or tech. – Yeah. – Oh the grilled cheese boom of 2000 – Well this was after I worked in fish. – I heard big grilled cheese
is tryin’ to come down. – Well, a lot of people,
if you look at the trends, they said that Gruyere is comin’ back, and then Swiss is havin’ a tough time. – What was that like for you working at a grilled cheese restaurant? I want to know what kind
of employee you were. – Not good. I was a cashier, so I
didn’t make the sandwiches. I was the face. (laughter) – You do have a face. – You have an open-face sandwich look. (laughter) – I have a face that screams
“This guy knows cheese.” – Yeah, you have a face that screams “Put it in a bag, I’ll eat it later.” (laughter) – So I remember, I was the cashier – You were the B health-grade rating face. They didn’t even need to
put the thing on the door. – A B? Thank you. – A B? That’s pretty good.
– Yeah, I’ll give you a B. I mean, I was gonna go,
I’ve never even seen a C. – They had to cover my
facial hair with a bag. – Shut up. – So it wouldn’t get in the cheese. No. (laughter) – I’ve seen that. – Yeah, I have too. – Really? They put the beard in a bag? – They should, I mean that’s
hair that’s flaking off. Doesn’t hair fall off you all day? – Skin does. – Yeah, I’ve seen that. On your shirt. – I’d rather have the hair in my sandwich than watch someone with
a bag over their face giving me food. – Yeah. – Yeah. – You’re so right. – Like give me five hairs in the sandwich. – Five hairs over a bag on your face like you’re in Guantanamo Bay.
– Can I be honest with you? If I have a salad and I see a hair in it, keep eating. I don’t want to waste food. I don’t want to wait for my food. It’s a piece of hair. I don’t care about hair. – Preach on sister. – Do you know how many poop particles are in your hair? – It’s such a thing with me. – I eat ass, I can’t get mad at anything in my food. – Yeah, you eat ass. Do
you get mad when there’s (laughter) – Ass in my food? – When there’s food in your ass? (laughter) Excuse me ma’am, there’s salad in my ass. You’re just talking to your girlfriend. – Excuse me ma’am, there’s
lasagna in your ass. – Yes, I remember, I would
get horrible anxiety, when the line was long. Did you ever work as a cashier before? – No, but I was a waitress. – In New York, the lines
can be like, especially because the grand opening,
there was like 300 people and I was like (heavy breathing) I’m like freakin’ out the whole time. I just needed the line
to end and I would have horrible panic attacks. And eventually, I had a panic attack and I just told her I had to leave and I just got fired because of my panic. – You got fired or you quit. – I guess it was both but I thought I was choking on turkey. (laughter) And then I remember, I was
like “I gotta go. I gotta go. I got turkey in my throat.” – You were such a mess. – I want to say bitch. – Were? (laughter) – I’m pretty good now. I
haven’t choked in a while. (laughter) (clap) I haven’t. I’m chokeless. – Well, were you, when was
the last time you choked? And by the way, when we say choke, it means that Andrew chokes on nothing. – Yes. – He’s not actually choking. His panic attacks come on in the form of a make-believe choke where he thinks he is choking on a dust particle. What do you think’s gonna – It’s like What About Bob. – Oh really, does that happen in that? I foget, I haven’t seen it.
– Yeah. Bill Murray fakes puking in a bag, or like choking in public. Because if he fakes
it, then it’s not real. – It’s really a common thing. But it’s so obnoxious. – Like how does it go? Like (choking) – Okay, this is Andrew in a green room before a show that means literally nothing because they are there to see me, they paid to see me. Nothing will happen if he goes on stage and it’s not good. Literally nothing. (clap) I don’t care if it’s not good. He’ll still work with me. I like having him around. There is nothing riding on these shows. Oh God, we’re doin’ a show tonight. I can’t wait. I’m gonna record you coughing. (coughing) – What is this? (laughter) – He just starts doing that (coughing) I’m good, I’m good (coughing) And then
goes into the bathroom, pees or poops like a bazillion times back and forth. I don’t mean to make fun
or your anxiety disorder – I can relate. – You can relate to – The peeing a lot. – Peeing a lot before. – But I think I have a swollen prostate. – But is it right before a show? – I like to get it out of my system. – Is that why you do it? – Yeah, you just get it out, man, I don’t know. – I just wonder if you
fear peeing on stage. Like why is it so urgent to
do it before you go on stage? Never once have I kind of
had to pee and not been able to hold it for 20 minutes. – Or an hour for that matter. – Well, I’m saying 20 minutes because you never do more than that. – Sometimes I do 23. (laughter) And sometimes I do 18. You never know with me. I’m a loose cannon. – But I’m just wondering, what’s the urgency to pee so much? – I just think you just want to be completely empty inside and then you’re ready.

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