Earthquake News Report – SNL

Earthquake News Report – SNL


>>ACTION 9, NEWS AT 5:00.
NOR CAL’S NUMBER ONE CHOICE FOR NEWS.
>>GOOD AFTERNOON. OUR TOP STORY, A 5.3 MAGNITUDE
EARTHQUAKE RATTLED DOWNTOWN SACRAMENTO THIS MORNING, CAUSING
WIDESPREAD STRUCTURAL DAMAGE. OUR OWN RANDALL FIELDS IS IN
CAPITOL PLAZA. RANDALL, BESIDES THE GROUND,
WHAT’S SHAKING OVER THERE?>>WELL LOTS, CAROL.
AND GIVEN THE SEVERITY OF THE SITUATION, I FOUND THAT
EARTHQUAKE PUN IN VERY POOR TASTE.
I’M HERE AT THE SOCIAL SECURITY ADMINISTRATION BUILDING WHERE A
PORTION OF THE SECOND FLOOR CAVED IN, TRAPPING SEVERAL
PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THE LEGAL CHANGE OF NAME OFFICE BELOW.
I’M TOLD THE BUILDING WAS ESPECIALLY BUSY AS DUE TO THE
PARTIAL GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN OFFICE HOURS HAVE BEEN LIMITED.
JOINING ME ARE TWO GENTLEMEN WHO WERE INSIDE THE BUILDING,
WAITING TO CHANGE THEIR NAMES WHEN THE EARTHQUAKE STRUCK US.
PLEASE, TELL US WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU REMEMBER.
>>YEAH, MY NAME IS DONALD McRONALD.
AND I’M TRYING TO CHANGE MY LAST NAME TO JOHNSON, FINALLY STOP
ALL THE DUMBASS CHILDISH JOKES, WHEN EVERYTHING JUST STARTED
SHAKING.>>YEAH, I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW I
GOT OUT. BUT I’M FEELING —
VERY LUCKY RIGHT NOW. I’M SORRY.
I’M FEELING VERY LUCKY RIGHT NOW.
>>AND YOUR NAME SIR?>>MARK PENIS.
I’LL BE CHANGING IT TO>>RANDALL, I’M SORRY.
I’M GOING TO HAVE TO CUT MR. PENIS OFF HERE.
WE HAVE AN UPDATE FROM SEARCH AND RESCUE OFFICIALS AT THE
SCENE. I’M DR. SHANA STEEL, TRIAGE
COORDINATOR FOR FAMILY MEMBERS WORRIED ABOUT RELATIVES WHO WERE
IN THE CHANGE OF NAME OFFICE. HERE IS A LIST OF RESCUED
INDIVIDUALS TAKEN TO ST. JOSEPH’S MEMORIAL HOSPITAL.
LISA SIMPSON, BILL COSBY, MARIO PARTY, TIE KNEE DICK,
MORGAN MINDY.>>NANU NANU.
SORRY.>>THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE ARE AT
SACRAMENTO GENERAL. SIBLINGS GARY, LARRY, AND
MARY POTTER. TACO BELL,
IVAN JERKINOV. PETE OPHELIA
AND KEITH, HOW WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
>>KEITH QUEEF.>>I SHOULD MENTION, THAT WE DID
NOT KNOW MR. QUEEF WAS INSIDE SO WHEN HE CAME OUT IT WAS A
DELIGHTFUL SURPRISE. UNFORTUNATELY, WE ARE STILL
SEARCHING FOR A REED TODD.>>YEAH, HEY, WE DON’T SAY THAT
WORD ANYMORE.>>/
>>OKAY, LET’S CHECK BACK IN WITH RANDALL FIELDS.
RANDALL, WITH THIS EARTHQUAKE, ANY IDEAS WHO’S AT FAULT?
>>NOBODY IS AT FAULT CAROL, AND AGAIN, I FIND YOUR EARTHQUAKE
JOKES VERY INAPPROPRIATE. I AM STANDING HERE WITH A
CIVILIAN WHO HELPED GET LOTS OF FOLKS OUT SAFELY.
SOME ARE EVEN CALLING HIM A HERO.
MR. ALAN HITLER.>>OH, PLEASE DON’T SAY HERO,
AND PLEASE DON’T SAY MY LAST NAME.
JUST USE AN INITIAL.>>WELL, BASED ON YOUR ACTIONS
TODAY, THE ONLY THING YOU SHARE WITH THAT OTHER HITLER IS THE
LAST NAME.>>AND UNFORTUNATELY, SOME DNA.
HE’S MY GREAT UNCLE. BUT EVERYONE’S GOT THAT
EMBARRASSING RELATIVE, RIGHT?>>KIND OF, YEAH, AND THANKS FOR
TALKING TO US.>>RANDALL, I’M SORRY, I DO —
I HATE TO INTERRUPT MR. HITLER WHO WE ALL ADMIRE SO MUCH,
BUT DR. STEEL HAS SOME NEW INFORMATION.
>>MOMENTS AGO A SEARCH TEAM RESCUED THIS YOUNG BOY
WHO CAME TO CHANGE HIS NAME AND DIDN’T TELL HIS PARENTS BECAUSE
HE FELT THEY WOULD BE MAD. MOM, DAD, REST EASY.
HOLDEN TWODICKS IS SAFE. HE IS A GREAT KID.
HE HAS GOT US ALL SMILING DOWN HERE.>>WHAT A RELIEF FOR THOSE
PARENTS AS I AM SURE THEY LOVE HOLDEN TWODICKS MORE THAN
ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD. I’M HERE WITH TWO MORE FOLKS
ABLE TO GET OUT THANKS TO MR. HITLER.
THIS IS JULIA AND I MAY GET SENSORED HERE AS HER LAST NAME
SOUNDS CLOSE TO THE N WORD. JULIA [ BLEEP ].
I’M HEARING THAT IT WAS SENSORED.
>>>>IT’S TOO CLOSE TO — YOU KNOW
IT WAS GOING TO BE CLOSE.>>WHILE IT IS SPELLED THE SAME
WAY, IT’S PRONOUNCED LIKE CIGAR.>>BUT HE SOUNDED LIKE HE SAID
THE N WORD WITH A BRITISH ACCENT.
>>SOUND ADVICE FROM MRS. –>>MORE WITH JULIA N AND
DR. DONNA DIDDADOG AFTER THE BREAK.
>>COMING UP, MORE ON THE SITUATION DOWNTOWN WHERE THE
MAYOR IS SCHEDULED TO SPEAK.

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