Dungeons and Dragons

Dungeons and Dragons


I RECITE THE MAGICAL INCANTATION OF ADALADAR.
THE RUNES ON THE DOOR TO THE DRAGON’S LAIR GLOW RED.
SIX MONTHS OF QUESTING I CAN’T BELIEVE WE’RE FINALLY HERE.
MY CHARACTER SHEDS TEARS OF JOY. AH CRITICAL FAIL.
INSTEAD OF CRYING YOU BREAK A LEG. THAT’S UNFORTUNATE.
[BREATHING] LUKE, I AM YOUR RING TONE. OH THAT’S ME GUYS, LET ME TAKE IT.
HEY YEAH! HI!
OH, JUST HANGING OUT WITH THE GUYS DOING MANLY THINGS.
PLAYING DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS. OH, COME ON!
YEAH, YOU CAN COME OVER IF YOU WANT. YEAH, OKAY, HELLO, BYE.
UH, WHO DID YOU INVITE? ONE CANNOT SIMPLY JOIN THE GUILD OF ADVENTURERS.
HUZZAH MAGIC POWERS. RELAX GUYS, IT’S JUST MY COUSIN CARLY.
A GIRL? YOU CAN’T INVITE A GIRL.
MY CHARACTER LEFT HIS FORMAL ROBES BACK IN TOWN FIVE MOVES AGO.
HE’S A TOTAL DISASTER. WHAT DO I HAVE TO ROLL TO GET HIM A FACIAL?
UH, CRITICAL FAIL. DANG IT.
BESIDES, NO FACIAL IS GOING TO HELP DAMIAN THE STOUT?
HE IS A VERY ATTRACTIVE GNOME. WELL ACCORDING TO THE GUILD OF ADVENTURERS-
HUZZAH MAGIC POWERS. –CHARTER THERE ARE NO RULES AGAINST HAVING A GIRL COME BECAUSE WE NEVER FIGURED THEY’D ACTUALLY
WANT TO BE HERE, SO… I GUESS WE’LL HAVE TO LET HER PLAY.
YEAH, I GUESS SO. UH, ADAM ARE YOU DOWN HERE?
YEAH, COME ON DOWN. GUYS THIS IS CARLY.
MILADY. UH, I STAND WITH SKILL IN STANDING AND BEQUEATH
TO THEE MOST ZEALOUS GREETINGS.
SHE IS SO HOT. I KNOW.
THANK YOU. SO CARLY, DO WE NEED TO MAKE
YOU A CHARACTER? I THINK I HAVE ONE BASIC SHEETS WITH THE-
OH, NO NEED I’LL JUST PLAY MY CHARACTER AVENGLEN ARADO.
SHE’S A LEVEL 15 ELVEN RANGER STEWARD OF THE FOREST
AND SILENT HUNTRESS. [GASP] SO WHERE ARE WE?
OH THE GUILD OF ADVENTURERS- HUZZAH MAGIC POWERS. -WAS JUST ABOUT TO OPEN THE DOOR TO THE GOLDEN DRAGON’S LAIR.
OKAY, AND I TRUST WE HAVE THE PROPER MAGICAL AMULETS
TO PROTECT US FROM THE DRAGON’S CYANIC ABILITIES? I LOVE HER.
UH-HUH YES. WE HAD BEEN MEANING TO GET THOSE.
HAVE WE? OH, WE HAD.
I ACTUALLY HAVE THREE. UM, LET’S SEE.
AVENGLEN PUTS ON THE AMULET AND THE PURPLE STONE IS FRAMED BY HER RAVEN HAIR
AND FLAWLESS ALABASTER SKIN. SO INTO THE CAVERN THEN? OH YES, THE DRAGON APPEARS TO BE SLEEPING.
OH, SWEET WE DON’T EVEN HAVE TO FIGHT IT. WE CAN JUST TAKE THE TREASURE AND RUN.
HUZZAH. SO YOU WOULD JUST ROB THE DRAGON BLIND?
JASON, FOR SHAME! BUT TO BE FAIR MILADY DRAGONS ARE RATHER EVIL
CREATURES, KIND OF LIKE THE IRS BUT WITH WINGS. REALLY?
WHAT DO YOU KNOW OF THIS DRAGON? WELL IT’S A DRAGON.
ATE MY MOTHER ONCE. SO YOU FIGURED YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT IT
JUST BECAUSE OF THE WAY IT LOOKED AND THE COLOR OF ITS SKIN.
IS THAT RIGHT? WE’RE DRAGON RACISTS. WELL PERHAPS WE COULD TALK TO THE DRAGON.
YEAH. THAT’S FINE.
AVENGLEN APPROVES WHOLE-HEARTEDLY AND SHE SMILES AT YOUR SWEETNESS.
I SMILE BACK. I SMILE ALSO.
NO THE MOST THAT ROLL WILL GET YOU IS A CONFUSED LOOK. OKAY, BUT REMEMBER THE DRAGON WILL THINK THAT YOU ARE THERE TO FIGHT HIM SO YOU REALLY SHOULD LEAVE BEHIND
YOUR MAGICAL WEAPONS AND ENCHANTED ARMOR. [CRIES AND LAUGHTER]
MILADY, THIS IS CHAZATRAN THE GREAT SWORD THAT I RENT FROM
THE HANDS OF THE LYNCH KING. I CAN NOT VERY WELL LEAVE IT HERE WHILE I
GO AND CONFRONT THE DRAGON.
UNLESS YOU ASK ME AGAIN BECAUSE I WILL DO IT. AND I WIELD THE STAFF OF THE FLAME WORTH AT LEAST
100,000 GOLDS. I’M JUST GOING TO GIVE THAT AWAY?
OKAY? WELL JUST REMEMBER THAT YOU CAN LEAVE WITH
THEM WITH ME. I’LL KEEP THEM SAFE IN MY PACK.
I PROMISE YOU CAN TRUST ME. [GASPS]
WE LEAVE HER OUR WEAPONS. IMMEDIATELY. NO GUYS, STOP, THINK ABOUT THIS.
AND TO THE ONE WHO SHOWS THE MOST BRAVERY AVENGLEN
WILL BESTOW A KISS WITH HER FULL RUBY LIPS. LONG HAVE I DESIRED TO BE KISSED BY A WOMAN…
SAYS MY CHARACTER. NO.
DANG IT. GUYS, I REALLY THINK THAT THIS-
SILENCE! ADAM!
MATT AND I WALK INTO THE DRAGON’S LAIR. BRAVELY.
FINE. YEAH THE DRAGON WAKES UP SEES YOU AND THEN
INCINERATES YOU BOTH. OW.
YOU TRICKED US. THE DRAGON WASN’T IN THE CAVERN.
IT WAS IN OUR OWN COMPANY. THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU. HE’S RIGHT.
YOU SIREN! YOU TRICKED US!
YOU TOOK OUR TREASURE AND LEFT US WITH NOTHING IN RETURN.
OH YOU’RE RIGHT. I DID PROMISE YOU A KISS DIDN’T I? WHAT’S HAPPENING?
[GASP AND SCREECHING] LET THE DREAM BEGIN! YOU ARE SO GULLIBLE. BYE BOYS!
BYE CARLY. DID YOU SEE HOW CLOSE WE WERE?
I FELT IT.

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