– The Crown is an incredible
show where we’re changing lives by bringing correctional
dentistry to rural areas. – (laughs) Hi, I’m Trixie Mattel. – And I’m Katya. – And we’re two queens who like to watch. – And today, we’re watching
The Crown, Season Three. (dramatic string music) Please be advised, there
are spoilers galore. – If you saw a spoiler
and we already told you, it’s your own fault. – Go (bleep) yourself. – You’ve seen this show before.
– I’ve seen the show. Listen, the trials and tribulations of the British royal family,
I’m here for it every day, all the time, yes God, I am. So this one is 10-year
jump from last season. We’ve got Princess Margaret,
Margo, I call her Margo. – So now she’s actually the Queen– – Yeah.
– Versus in the past season, she was not.
– She was like the baby Queen. – Baby.
(both laugh) All right, so she’s having a freak out because she’s gonna review
the art of her stamp. – For a woman of a certain
age, this is a bit harrowing. I can relate. – Well luckily, it’s this big. So you can really be wrinkle-crinkle town. – And then yeah, what are they gonna do, bring out a magnifying
glass, “Ooh, crow’s feet.” – Yeah, no.
– “Ooh, yeah, crow’s feet.” – I want to be so famous
and rich like the Queen where they’re bringing in
clip-on earrings right now. Oh no, this is the stamp. – (laughs) – How many clip-ons would
the Majesty (babbles) – Look at this procession to
show you a portrait of yourself that’s one centimeter by one centimeter. – Takes too long. – That chandelier, Phantom of the Opera, too crowned.
– Boom. I go one by one, “mama, this is garbage, “mama, this is trash.” – Ugly, chubby.
– I like this stamp. (laughs) What is this?
– Dried tendons? – (laughs) Dry skin. This is a microscopic closeup
of my skin in the morning. Oh wait, this is the crown. It’s the crown. – Wow. – What’s she up to now, arts and crafts? – Her putting butter on toast, I thought she was doing makeup. – (laughs) It actually looked like she was doing oil painting. – That’s me putting
concealer on for this gig, spreading butter on burnt toast. – You know what I want? I want there to be a
genre of softcore porn where it’s really meticulous recreations of historical scenes,
I think that’d be fun. – She’s buttering the toast and then she just walks up to him,
and he’s watching TV. And she puts one leg over for the TV, and she just goes like this. – (laughs) – And then… Hello.
– Gimme a wave, gimme a wave, this is mine. – I think I would point it toward people and do like a, like– – Almost like a gypsy giving a curse.
– Like figuring it out, yeah. – Thinner.
– You shamed me. – The more famous you are, the
more your hand becomes wood. – [Man] Princess Margaret
is a more vibrant, modern, and engaging version
of her oldest sister. – This is how you act on a plane when you’re literally that bitch. – Yeah, she’s like–
– Painting your nails. – [Interviewer] What’re you most looking forward to in America? – Liberty. – I think she’s at the Old Navy at Grand Avenue in Milwaukee. – (laughs) She’s at the Mall of America. – She’s at Lush. “And a bath bomb.”
– Look at this, look at that. – [Man] Fans are sort of delighted at her Royal Highness’
intelligence and articulacy, her beauty and charms. – It’s all right, thank you, Martin. – Yes, ma’am. – I’m a queen, not a saint. – You know I paid off all my student loans in a bathtub on my phone? – You did not.
– I was like, $40,000? Not on my watch.
– (laughs) – That was me. – I was crying in the
bathtub with Burger King. – This is like pre-internet,
pre-everything. She just had to wake up
and do queen shit all day. – This is Lady Gaga’s
tweet, fame is a prison. – She tweeted that?
– Yes. How pretentious. I’d argue that prison is prison. – (laughs)
– Why don’t you tell my real dad that fame is the prison, okay? – Look it, she’s smoking, she’s
drinking, she’s carrying on, generally just being
the life of the party. – Do you think she wants
to be queen, is she jelly? – Absolutely not. – Let’s be honest. You are the best guide for our country because you had a famous mom? – Yeah, (bleep) that shit. And then the bloodline gets so incestuous. One king’s got an arm
growing out of his neck and– – (laughs)
– nobody says anything about it. – So in this scene, Helena Bonham Carter has to go have a good presentation with the President of the United States so she can get some money
to bail out the U.K. – A thousand million
billion (bleep) pounds. – She’s not sure on the details. He’s like, “how much money do you need?” She goes– – Uh, a thousand. – About a thousand 52 billion jibbity joo. But Helena Bonham Carter is very fly by the seat of her pants– – Moment to moment. Show up drunk or not at all. – Now I can’t imagine if either of us have ever found ourselves
in a situation where one of us has to count on the
other for a very menial task– – Oh boy, I wonder what it’s like to have unreliable work partner. – The first course had barely been served before Princess Margaret made remarks– – They should honestly
be sending a drag queen. – Yes.
– We need you to go in and charm people, and honestly, not really have much information. – No. And then maybe, look at the eyes. – She’s flirting with him,
is that Lyndon Johnson? – L.B.J. all the way.
– Is that Lyndon B. Johnson? – Yes it is, look at her.
– There is some similarity there.
– She is laying it on thick, she’s like– – Yeah, all right give it to the camera. – Okay, you’re L.B.J. – (laughs) I didn’t see her tongue out. – [Woman] A terrible prude. – She would never go nude– – (gasping) – And her bum hips and
tits she would never bare. – Oh, she is–
– Is she talking about the queen?
– She’s hitting it out of the park. – Anymore?
– She is jealous. She’s asking questions ’cause she wants to imagine a social life. She’s like, “did everyone laugh?” – (laughs)
– Did they laugh? I hope they laughed. – Princess Margaret won
the evening with this one. They found her vagina in North Carolina– – And her asshole in Buckingham Palace. (laughter) – Cinematic parallels. – It’s too real. – Obviously, Helena Bonham
Carter is kinda serving it. – Yes, she’s–
– So don’t be mad. – Don’t be mad and don’t be plucked that you can’t get the party
started, you know what I mean? Is she gonna (bleep) L.B.J.? – I doubt it.
– No, probably not. – Followed by singing. ♪ Anything you can be, I can be ♪ – You doing a Shade number
unannounced, no one asked for. – DJ, roll the track. – You’re giving him your flash drive, they’re like, “this is a Hardee’s.” – (laughs) – She’s at this party giving a performance and the queen is alone in PJ’s. – She’s getting a, oh my God. (gasping) – Newly anglophile President Johnson hadn’t agreed to the bailout. – People used to just get
drunk and play piano and sing. – Yeah.
– And I would find that irritating.
– (laughs) – I played guitar 15 years. I’m never that person
who’s at a party, is like– – “Hey.”
– “All right.” – “Here we go.”
– Don’t be that person. – No. – I’m predictable, dependable, reliable. It would be nice to be
dazzling on occasion, too. – [Katya] Dazzlingly predictable. – The thing is, she’s not
even allowed to be sparkly– – No.
– Because– – It’s a catch 20–
– ‘Cause then you’re a woman who’s flippant and, you know. – She kissed the president. She’s pretty, she’s rich,
she’s a little bit of a bitch. – (laughs) – As a monarch, you want somebody predictable, reliable, and cabbage-like. – You do have to be boring. – And then somebody who’s off the chain, unhinged, on drugs– (both laughing) – It’s like being Aaron Carter. You don’t have to be Nick. You can get a face tattoo in
your house, move to Canada. I’m watching those live feeds. – (laughs)
– Every time Aaron Carter goes live, I’m watching you. – (laughs)
– I’m watching you. – Me, me, that estranged nun coming back– – You have any porridge, honey? So they’ve just asked the public for an allowance so they can
have more spending money, and look who shows up,
and they’re just now trying to prove that–
– (bleep) – Everything’s fine. – [Katya] She got blown
up in the septal bailor, and now she’s back at the crown. – [Trixie] Is that Mariah Carey out of makeup again, like Precious? – (laughs) So that’s her estranged relative? – No, the Duke’s estranged mom. Yeah the Duke mama, the Duke. – What? – You must be tired, we’ll find someone to take you to your room. – May I have some corn on the cob? That is gonna be me in 20 years. You’ve still continued to hit it big, you’re rich, you’re in a
palace somewhere in the Hills. I show up fresh from the “monastery”– (both laugh) Grinding my (bleep) teeth like, “have you got any rooms for
a poor suffering wretch?” They stick her in this little podunk room? – They said, “we’ll be happy
you’re staying with us. “This is the utility closet.” “Let’s see her royal person.” “This is your room. “Your great-great aunt Carl died in here.” – Princess Alice has arrived. – [Trixie] If you had a
mall in your basement, three stores, must-have. – Wetzel’s Pretzels, Orange
Julius, and the Limited, Too. (both laugh) – I think I would have
an Icing, not Claire’s. – (in unison) Icing. – Oh, H&M. Don’t have to do laundry, just
go buy socks and underwear. – Yeah, that’s a good idea. – And Sbarro, bitch. – Oh, the nasty pizza?
– Yeah, bitch. Italian’s best. – [Katya] Oh, forlorn
at the train station. Ever been gagged at the train station? – Ball gagged, yes. The Duke, is that the Duke? Everybody ask what a Duke is. – [Katya] The Duke is
like a Duchess, but a man. – Then what’s a Duchess, like just– – Like the Duke, but a girl. (laughs)
– But is the Duke in charge of anything, or is it just like a royal cousin?
– They do dukedom, dukedom, duke stuff. – You used to have a rich royal mom, and now you just have to make a sex tape. – Yeah, wow, the times,
they are a-changin’. Do you think for the
better, or for the worse? – Well I can make a sex tape. The problem is getting people to watch it. – (laughs) – (both groaning) – Like The Ring.
– There’s so many, what? – This really is plumbing
new depths of banality. – That’s my Tinder bio,
plumbing new depths of banality. (laughs)
– Banality. – The absolute (bleep) nerve of them to ask the British
people for an allowance. Listen, it’s not enough that I
douche with gold flake water? – I need more money.
– I need more money. – They’re trying to appeal
to people by saying, “we’re just like you, we watch TV.” By the way, that’s what’s happening now. – Perhaps you might comment
on what’s on the television. – It’d be easier if there were
something remotely amusing. – How droll.
– Do you know what I ask people? “Were you a rich kid?” And they’re like, “ah, you know,” I’m like, “okay, first of all, red flag. “Don’t be embarrassed, you were rich.” I’m not embarrassed about (bleep)
riding a donkey to school. – (laughs) She was my mother and
I loved her very much. – (laughs) – How could he ever be thrilled with me? He’s so obsessively thrilled with himself. – She’s recently divorced,
sunglasses means divorced. – By the way, no sunlight, London. – Fully overcast.
– It’s a lovely day for a swim, gray sky. – (laughs) – Roe, dear. (bleep) – Would you like to shag
the first first sister? – (laughs) – Your Royal Highness, how do you do? – You’re perspiring. – (exclaiming)
– Oh, gag me. – I am, ma’am.
– Gag. – So, why don’t you jump in the pool? – Well, I didn’t bring any trunks. – That was stupid. – [Katya] And this is her flirting? You stupid (bleep), you
haven’t got a swimsuit. Come, shag me. – I don’t possess any trunks. – That’s not just stupid, that’s absurd. Where’s nearest town? – Wait, she flirts by taking
him shopping for a swimsuit? This is like when I used
to (bleep) that chubby guy, we used to go to California Pizza Kitchen. – (laughs)
– Bring the Uber X around, we’re going to the
California Pizza kitchen. – What is it that you do? – A research assistant,
the college of arms. – His hairstyle indicates to me that he thinks too much, I
like ’em big, dumb, and stupid. – Have we got the treat for you. – (laughs) – It’s so nice when a man is
unaware of his best features. – It’s so sad when a lady hides hers. – Oh! Two black eyes. Or she takes them off, and she
has another pair of glasses with the eyeballs that fall on springs. – You don’t think I have a
sense of humor. (chuckles) – Royal Highness. – [Katya] Oh my god, I
hope he gets the trunks that go right below the nipples. – Or one of those Pugsley bathing suits, full body.
– Oh with the straps. (laughs) – [Trixie] Just a bit
puffy around the middle. Let’s get the swimsuit
for this fat little boy. – (laughs) – It’s what she’s saying. – I’m paying, I choose. – (gasps) – Try them on. – [Katya] What if he had
like the biggest, giant, I bet he looks dynamite. – They’re one of my favorite trees. – [Trixie] Oh, tsk tsk tsk tsk. – Silk cotton tree. – Come on.
– She’s not even listening. She’s got her camera phone
down there recording it. – And do you have nimble as well as pretty fingers? – Oh, now she’s turning on the juice. – I do. – (both gasp) – [Trixie] They’re gonna bang
right in that dressing room. – Hmm, perfect. – Well, this show has everything. It has some comedy, some drama, some sex, it has great costumes, and
there’s an added layer of drama because it’s based on
real people, real events. – Sexual bullying, speedos. – Yes.
– Dressing rooms. – If you’d like to watch The Crown, check it out on Netflix. – Well, turn that frown
upside down with The Crown. (laughs) On netflix.com. (orchestral music)