Donald Trump Press Conference Cold Open – SNL

Donald Trump Press Conference Cold Open – SNL


>>>THE FOLLOWING IS A
REBROADCAST OF DONALD TRUMP’S FIRST PRESS CONFERENCE AS
PRESIDENT-ELECT.>>HELLO.
HELLO, THANK YOU FOR COMING. I WOULD LIKE TO START BY
ANSWERING THE QUESTION, WHAT’S ON EVERYONE’S MIND.
YES, THIS IS ME LIVE. I REALLY A.M.
ON JANUARY 20th, I, DONAL TRUMP, WILL BECOME THE 41st
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. TWO MONTHS LATER MIKE PENCE WILL
BECOME THE 42nd. I’LL HAVE A LITTLE PET LIKE ALL
THE PRESIDENTS DO. BILL CLINTON HAD SOCKS.
BARACK OBAMA HAD BO. I’LL HAVE PAUL RYAN.
I’M NOT GAY, BUT I CAN’T WAIT TO GIVE IT TO THAT MAN FOR FOUR
YEARS. WHO IS EXCITED FOR MY
INAUGURATION DAY? YES, THANK YOU TO THOSE PEOPLE
WHO I DEFINITELY DID NOT PAY TO DO THAT.
WE’VE GOT SOME OF THE BIGGEST PERFORMERS IN THE WORLD LINED
UP. HOLD ON TO YOUR TITS AND BITS
BECAUSE WE’VE GOT THREE DOORS DOWN.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>ALSO FROM AMERICA’S GOT
TALENT WE’VE GOT JACKIE WHAT’S HER FACE.
AND BEST OF ALL WE’VE GOT THE ONE ROCKETTE WITH THE LEAST
MONEY IN HER SAVINGS. [ LAUGHTER ]
WE’VE ALSO GOT SOME HUGE “A” LIST ACTORS COMING LIKE ANGELINA
JOLIE AND JENNIFER LAWRENCE, THEY’LL ALL BE AT MY
INAUGURATION COURTESY OF MADAME TUSSAUDS.
AS YOU ALL KNOW, THIS IS MY FIRST PRESS CONFERENCE IN SIX
MONTHS. THERE’S SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.
I’M BRINGING JOBS BACK. I’M PICKING THE BEST CABINET.
GO AHEAD, ASK ME ANYTHING.>>ABC NEWS.
I WOULD LIKE TO ASK YOU ABOUT YOUR BIG RUSSIAN PEEPEE PARTY.
>>I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE PEEPEE BECAUSE IT DIDN’T HAPPEN
AND IT WASN’T AS COOL AS IT SOUNDS.
NEXT QUESTION.>>JUSTICE SCALIA’S DEATH HAS
LEFT A VACANCY ON THE SUPREME COURT.
MANY ARE WONDERING ABOUT A TIMELINE FOR REPLACEMENT.
DID YOU GUYS LIKE ALL PEE OR JUST WATCH THEM PEE?
>>NO, I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE PEEPEE.
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT, WHICH IS JOBS,
BECAUSE I AM GOING TO BRING BACK A THICK STREAM OF JOBS BACK TO
THIS COUNTRY. THE BIGGEST, STRONGEST,
STEADIEST STREAM YOU’VE EVER SEEN.
THIS COUNTRY WILL BE LITERALLY SHOWERED WITH JOBS.
BECAUSE I AM A MAJOR WIZ AT JOBS.
IT WILL BE A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME AS PRESIDENT TO MAKE A
BIG SPLASH. I KNOW YOU’RE IN.
HOW ABOUT YOU? YOU’RE IN?
YOU’RE IN? YOU’RE IN?
OKAY. [ LAUGHTER ]
NEXT QUESTION.>>YES, MR. TRUMP.
YOU AND THE REPUBLICANS WANT TO REPEAL OBAMACARE.
BUT WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT BEFORE COMING UP WITH A REPLACEMENT
PLAN?>>BECAUSE OBAMACARE IS A
DISASTER AND I ACTUALLY DO HAVE A REPLACEMENT PLAN, OKAY?
I JUST READ ABOUT IT THIS WEEK. IT’S A TERRIFIC PLAN, JUST
GREAT. IT’S CALLED THE AFFORDABLE CARE
ACT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>THAT’S THE SAME THING AS OBAMACARE.
AND IF YOU REPEAL IT, 20 MILLION PEOPLE WILL LOSE THEIR HEALTH
INSURANCE. PEOPLE COULD DIE.
>>LISTEN, SWEETHEART, I’M ABOUT TO BE PRESIDENT.
WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE. NEXT QUESTION.
[ APPLAUSE ]>>YES.
MR. TRUMP, MANY PEOPLE ARE CONCERNED ABOUT ALL YOUR
BUSINESS CONFLICTS. HAVE YOU TAKEN THE PROPER STEPS
TO DIVEST FROM YOUR COMPANIES?>>YES, I HAVE.
I’VE TURNED OVER ALL MY BUSINESSES TO MY TWO SONS,
BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD. THEY’RE HERE TODAY.
CAN WE GET A SHOT OF THEM? LOOK AT THOSE TWO LITTLE
AMERICAN PSYCHOS. YOU CAN TELL THEY’RE GOOD
BUSINESSMEN BECAUSE OF HOW SLICKED BACK THEIR HAIR IS.
EXPLAIN HOW IT WILL WORK.>>I’LL BE IN CHARGE OF THE DAY
TO DAY OPERATIONS AS WELL AS OVERSEEING ALL NEW DEALS MOVING
FORWARD.>>AND I’M ERIC.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>THANKS, BOYS.
I KNOW SOME OF YOU THINK I’M NOT REALLY DIVESTING FROM MY
COMPANIES AND IT’S ALL A BIG SCAM.
HERE WITH ACTUAL PROOF IS MY TAX LAWYER.
>>HELLO, MY NAME IS SHERRY DILLON.
LOOK AT ALL THESE PAPERS. IF HE WASN’T DIVESTING, HOW
COULD THERE BE SO MANY DANG PAPERS?
HELP, LIFEGUARD, I’M ACTUALLY DROWNING IN PAPERS.
STILL DON’T BELIEVE ME? I’LL READ EVERY PAPER OUT LOUD.
STARTING WITH THIS ONE. OH, THAT’S RIGHT, THEY’RE FAKE.
[ APPLAUSE ]>>GOD, I’M LOVING THIS PRESS
CONFERENCE. I LOVE THE PRESS.
I RESPECT THE PRESS. LET’S TAKE ANOTHER QUESTION FROM
THE PRESS.>>YEAH, I’M FROM BUZZ NEED.
>>BUZZFEED.>>NOT YOU, BUZZFEED.
YOU’RE A FAILING PILE OF GARBAGE.
I TOOK YOUR QUIZ. I’LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, I’M NOT
A JOEY, I’M A RACHEL. WHO ELSE HAS A QUESTION?
I LOVE THE CONFESS.>>JIM ACOSTA, CNN.
>>NOT CNN EITHER. YOU’RE OVERRATED.
FAKE NEWS. LAST NIGHT THERE WAS A CRAZY
BLOND WOMAN.>>THAT WAS KELLYANNE CONWAY.
>>OH, RIGHT. GOD, I LOVE KELLYANNE.
EVERYDAY IT LOOKS LIKE SHE DOES THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE WITH
HER MAKEUP. NEXT QUESTION.
>>DR. BEN CARSON’S CONFIRMATION HEARING THIS WEEK HAS
CHARACTERIZED AS SHANKY. ARE YOU SURE HE’S QUALIFIED?
>>HE’S GOING TO BE THE BEST BRAIN SURGEON TO EVER RUN THE
HOUSING APARTMENT. IF HE HAS ANY TROUBLE, I JUST
APPOINTED SOMEONE TO HELP HIM OUT.
THIS MAN IS AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN ICON WHO HAS DONE SO MUCH FOR
OUR COUNTRY.>>IS IT CONGRESSMAN JOHN LEWIS?
THAT MAN IS A HERO.>>NO, I HAVE SOMEONE EVEN
BETTER. STEVE HARVEY.
>>IT’S ME, STEVE HARVEY. YEAH, I DO GOVERNMENT NOW.
DOES THIS BODE WELL FOR OUR COUNTRY?
SURVEY SAYS! [ APPLAUSE ]
>>THANK YOU, STEVE. LET’S TAKE ANOTHER QUESTION.
>>HELLO, MR. TRUMP. THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY HAS
SAID DEFINITIVELY THAT RUSSIA HACKED THE ELECTION.
WHY WON’T YOU SAY ON THE RECORD THAT YOU AGREE WITH THEM?
>>I’M HAPPY TO SEE THAT.>>THEN DO IT.
SAY RUSSIA HACKED THE ELECTION.>>.
[ UNINTELLIGIBLE ]>>I COULDN’T HEAR YOU.
A LITTLE LOUDER, PLEASE.>>RUSSIA HACKED THE ELECTION.
ARE YOU HAPPY, MOM? YOU, SIR.
>>YES, HELLO. [ APPLAUSE ]
I AM AMERICAN JOURNALIST WOLF BLITZER.
ARE YOU SURE RUSSIA WAS BEHIND HACKING?
>>I MEAN, MAYBE.>>ARE YOU REALLY, REALLY SURE?
[ LAUGHTER ] IT WAS CHINA.
I MEAN, CANADA. IT WAS MERYL STREEP.
OKAY. THIS PRESS CONFERENCE IS OVER.
THANK YOU ALL FOR PEEING HERE, I MEAN FOR PISSING HERE, I MEAN
FOR BEING HERE. LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S
“SATURDAY NIGHT “!

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