Donald Trump and Jared Kushner’s Middle East “Peace Plan” | The Daily Show

Donald Trump and Jared Kushner’s Middle East “Peace Plan” | The Daily Show

When President Trump started running for president
400 years ago, he had a lot of goals. Build the wall, have sex with that alien
they keep in Area 51, and, of course,
bring peace to the Middle East. Trump himself said he considered
that the ultimate deal. But the big question has been can a businessman so brilliant that he almost turned a profit
on a casino pull off that ultimate deal? Well, yesterday,
Trump finally revealed his plan, and the answer seems to be,
“Uh, no.” President Trump
and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu appeared
together in the White House to unveil a plan
for Middle East peace, but it’s already been rejected
by the Palestinians. REPORTER:
Make no mistake about it. This plan is everything
Israel wants, especially Prime Minister
Benjamin Netanyahu. REPORTER 2: Mr. Trump sold
his plan as the best bet for compromise
to the 70-plus-year conflict. My vision presents a win-win
opportunity for both sides. But the proposal, crafted by
President Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner,
was considered dead on arrival, since it was written
without the Palestinians. Okay, hold up, hold up. Trump crafted a peace plan
between Israel and the Palestinians
without the Palestinians? I mean, right off the bat, that doesn’t seem
like a great strategy. You know? It’s like writing
wedding vows for yourself and your fiancée. “You, Janet, take me, Joe,
forever and ever.” “My name’s not Janet.”
“Okay, I-I worked on these vows. Would you please just give me
a moment here?” And, look, it’s no secret,
it’s no secret that no president has figured
out how to broker peace between Israel
and the Palestinians. But Trump said that this time
would be different, because he said, this time, the plan was created
by Jared Kushner, senior presidential advisor and
participation trophy husband. And according to Jared, it’s the greatest deal
of all time. What we saw yesterday was Israel
take a giant step towards peace, and it was an accomplishment
that only President Trump could have delivered on. If you look
at the original proposal, the Arab Peace Initiative.
that was an eight-line proposal. It was a good-faith proposal. Past proposals have been two
to three pages. This is an over-80-page proposal
with a map. -Never been done before.
-Yeah, that’s right. This plan has the one thing
all previous plans lacked, lots of paper. Yeah. Kushner is like, “Uh,
I spent two hours at Kinko’s, so, yeah, it’s a good plan.” And just because you draw
a picture of something you want doesn’t mean
you’re gonna get it. He’s like, “We’ve got a map.” It doesn’t mean
you’re gonna get that map. I once drew a picture of myself
riding a horse. Did I get a horse? No. I got a monkey. All right? Yeah. Good news,
you can actually ride a monkey. Yeah. They don’t like it,
but you can do it. So, okay, maybe the plan itself
got off to a rough start. But who knows?
Maybe if Jared turns on that Netflix stalker charm, he can woo the Palestinians
into an agreement. The Palestinian leadership have
to ask themselves a question. Do they want to have a state? Do they want to have
a better life? If they do, we have created
a framework for them to have it, and we’re gonna treat ’em
in a very respectful manner. If they don’t,
then they’re gonna screw up another opportunity,
like they’ve screwed up every other opportunity
that they’ve ever had in their existence. -Goddamn!
-(gasping) We’re gonna treat them
with all the respect? Was that respect?
That’s a pretty harsh way to try and win someone over. Jared would be
the worst car salesman ever. Just like, “Listen, loser,
I want to get you in this car, “which you’re probably
gonna crash the moment “you get off the lot because
you mess up everything you do “in life, because you suck
as a human being. “So, should I get
that paperwork? It’s 80 pages long.” So, the question is, what does
this new peace deal mean for the conflict
in the Middle East? Well, we turn now to a man
who’s no stranger to conflict, Roy Wood Jr., everybody! (cheering and applause) Thank you, Trevor. -Uh, let’s get down to business.
-O-Okay. -Here’s the…
-H-Hold up, Roy. What on earth are you wearing? Oh, this is a traditional
American garment. -It’s called a suit.
-No. No, Roy, I’m talking about the-the MAGA
hats stacked on your head. Oh. Man, let me explain. Trevor, if there’s anything
this peace plan has shown me, it’s that,
if you flatter Trump, he’ll give you what you want. That’s why Israel got such
a good deal, ’cause nobody
flatters Trump more than Israel’s prime minister. He calls Trump
the best president of all time. He puts pictures of the man up
all over Jerusalem. And, and– this is real– he named a city after Trump. Trump Heights. “Heights.” “Heights.”
Sounds classy, like you got coffee shops that
let you bring your dog inside. Okay, but-but what does this
have to do with you wearing MAGA hats? Well, Trevor,
I’ve learned something from Israel’s prime minister. If you want Trump
to do something for you, you have to suck up to him and then he’ll give you
whatever you want. I’m trying to get
a small business loan. Here’s my idea.
Check this out. Small business loan.
This is my idea. Half barbershop, half operating room. People are already asleep
during surgery. You might as well get a fade. Roy, you are not a surgeon
and you are not a barber. Yeah, and you are a hater. All I’m saying is that, even if the Palestinians
don’t like Trump, they need to start playing
the game. If Israel puts Trump’s name
on a city, the Palestinians
should put Trump’s name on their whole country. Just title it like-like– Do it like a Tyler Perry movie. “Donald Trump presents
the Palestine.” Or, or maybe even change
the flag. Just-just make your flag
a picture of Donald Trump with a six-back of abs
and that “V” thing. You know, the “V.”
The thing. When you– when you drink
a lot of smoothies, -you get the “V” thing.
-Yeah… Yeah, but-but, Roy, if the Palestinians
start praising Trump, won’t Israel just praise Trump
even harder? Exactly. And then the Palestinians praise
Trump even harder than that. Yeah, but then Israel
will just praise Trump -even harder than that.
-And then the Palestinians will praise Trump
even harder than that! Roy, all that’s gonna happen
is both countries will just be filled
with people wearing MAGA hats, praising Donald Trump 24/7. Exactly. And then everyone
will be on the same page, and that’s when we’ll have peace
in the Middle East. Hang-hang on. Hang on a second.
I got a call. Jimmy, what’s up? You still want that
hip replacement and cornrows? All right,
I can get you in later today. -I got to run, hater. -Man,
you-you’re a waste of time. Roy Wood Jr., everybody.


100 thoughts on “Donald Trump and Jared Kushner’s Middle East “Peace Plan” | The Daily Show”

  • Dear President Trump, I need a new a/c in my house, ceiling needs to be fixed, free medical insurance, and I would like universal income like Andrew Yang is offering. I will wear your hats, put bumper stickers everywhere, and chant Make America Great Again to all the non believers. I will also rename my cats Trump and Milania. I will also not laugh when Trevor Noah imitates you. Also get Roy Wood Jr his own show. Thank you.

  • Syed Shah Nawaz Ali says:

    Kushner looks like villain's side kick zombie.

    I saw the plan map on Al Jazeera and it looked ok. Then I saw it on CNN and realized it looks like the largest prison in the world.
    24/7 Surveillance, surrounded by Israel, unarmed and residents need permission to travel from Israel. That's prison just like Gaza already is.

  • fun fact: this is exactly how Christianity works: praise the big whatever and maybe you get what you want, don't praise and get crushed.

  • Grendel's mom's boyfriend says:

    Jared Kushner crafted 'The Ultimate No-Fail Owns-All-Other-Peace-Plans' peace plan for peace between Israel and Palestine with zero input from Palestine? And when his shitty plan is dead-on-arrival, he's like "Why don't you like my awesome peace plan, Palestine you little bitch?" The Trump administration is terrible. ?

  • Apartheid Israel is not interested in peace but subjugation, oppression and subjecting the Palestinians to systematic cultural and ethnic cleansing.

  • Trump is not God. You need to got what you want from God, by keeping is laws, God is the creator of Trump. Respect Trump, validated God and worship only God.

  • How in the hell are you going to broker peace between two countries when one is not even brought to the table to negotiate? Jared has no business having the job, sorry.

  • stop giving Israel billions every year from tax payers' money and make a better healthcare system for Americans Israel is the biggest leach US needs to stop feeding

  • Tamar's Jewelry Box says:

    Another thing is that these people have so many other Arab countries they can go to, if they’re not happy with what they have in my country they can get up and leave, For us Jews we only have one country.

  • Gulf Coast Beach Billy says:

    Jared talks about the Palestinians like 19th century railroad tycoons talking about 'them Injuns'. Imagine what he says about those poor people in private

  • Skeptical Doola says:

    if you want peace in the middle east, you need to stop siding with Israel, you need to respect the International community and UN decisions…. treat Palestinians as humans that have rights.

  • The barbershop cum operating room actually sounds legit. Hospitals ought to have that… Maybe not in the same room but you get it. Also, #freepalestine because if something can be for sale, it can also be free.

  • Dear Mr. Noah;
    Why, with your direct telepathic connection to The Demiurge, and your superior ark-building and animal husbandry skills, have you not helped endangered animals? You have been alive since The Flood. Can't you write a book, another one, that is better at showing us how to speak truth to power in an adaptive way to human rights and Maslowian needs….

    Oh, its just your last name. Ok, sorry, nevermind. Love your show!

  • "Never been done before" hahahaha daddy and son talk alike hahahaha.where I heard that before???? Hahaha wtf their doing there???? Smell the oil?? Haha thats why dumb trump is against the environment he wants OIL.

  • tRump- says “My Vision“,…? He doesn’t know the meaning of the word Vision.
    oh? those smelly boots ? ? are filling up fast again?
    Filling to the top with the most beautiful load of Bull ? our country has ever seen.

    Hey republican ladies this load is for you. You deserve the very best. Hurry ask your husband for permission to speak . See if you can use the car and pick up your fresh load today. Drop your husbands credit cards ? …Postpone your plastic surgery, Match your plastic Heart face later.
    Get it while it’s warm tell your favorite friends you deserve the very best.
    Tell them it’s from your favorite poser.

    Pick it up with your plastic heart from your very stable genius /
    A moment with your/ussy grabber friend /the underage beauty pageant seeker who prefers them young just like his side great friend Jeffrey.
    / just imagine a fresh load of wonder, a load like no other.

    maybe the 22 women who came who saw another load might have seen a load like other, It was an Orange expo a rage of sexual assaults if his fake orange overtones. 22 Women.. had a different type of smelly load.
    They said hi.
    They want only the best for you ladies and your daughters too.
    Only the best…❤️
    So step right up and get it for yourselves. Get the filthy Orange in it only for himself. The it was only
    locker room talker.
    Get that load of pathological ? from the very best. Step right up to your serial Con Man talker. You deserve only the very best.
    You must be so proud to go down in history supporting the man of your dreams. What a Vision? to go down on paper ? then flushed into the sea. Paper we all witnessed stuck to the bottom of his shoe. It was a vision his own people
    Didn’t even tell him for thdy k ew Rory couldn’t argue with the truth of perfect truth. It was truly a proper vision to behold for the entire world to see.

  • I said, "Look, the prophets are telling them, 'You will not see the sword nor will you have famine, but I will give you lasting peace in this place.'" Then the LORD said to me, "The prophets are prophesying falsehood in My name I have neither sent them nor commanded them nor spoken to them; they are prophesying to you a false vision, divination, futility and the deception of their own minds.
    Jeremiah 14:13-14

  • Nicholas Jaworski says:

    Who gives a flying fuck about then? Why do we care? This conflict has been going for literally thousands of years what make white peoples think they solve it now? Let them be them

  • Trump praised Kim Jon UN thinking he will get what he wants. But Kim isn’t a 6 years old.

    Hey Donny that it works on you doesn’t mean it works on adults.

  • Is the thing the Bidens being accused of not similar to this? Allowing kith and family to be involved in international business? (in this case foreign relations?). Was he paid for this job? – one will assume the obvious answer is yes! Should it be the son in law of the President whob negotiates peace btwn Isreal and Palestine? How much would he know about this conflict?

  • Ya.. nothing screams "PEACE" like wiping out Palestine's name and replacing with Isreal from the google map and all other media coverages. Ya we "trust" you America. Palestanians deserve more. Thay want THEIR home and land back. Least these people can do is give back what they have stolen by force since they invaded the land. I would urge news n comedy contral to find a proper map with PALESTINE written in big bold letters thank you

  • So, this "perfect compromise" include a country with a map shaped like a crumbled cookie with (almost) no external borders…

  • yah.. keep giving Israeli lands until there is no Palestine land anymore 🙁 i guess taking people land is american thing

  • Why in the world are we trusting our Middle East policy with Jared, this novice trust baby and the poster boy for nepotism?

  • Landon’s Chanel says:

    That arrogant little prick. The Palestinians had their land taken from them and they need to accept a peace deal to let Israel get their way or else? Like what has been happening since the 1940s?

  • That land was taken and given to German Jewish people in 1948, after WWll to create a state/country for the Jewish peoole without the consultation of the government/Palestinians already living there! That's what the conflict is about. And to repeat the same wrong will only aggravate the situation more.

  • is this a phrase straight from Trumps dictionary ?"something the world has never seen", "something only Trump could have achieved.." just ridiculous

  • Trump did not see the irony in letting a jew broker peace between Israel and Palestine? Not to mention the fact that Israel holds Palestinian territory.

  • All I can say Russia, Turkey and Iran proxies are closing in that paradise won't last long nothing else does. My advice make deal before to late for it look what happen in Saudi Arabia.

  • I don't think Trump understands what "peace" means. And he gave the job to Jared just because he's Jewish, as if that makes him qualified.

  • AntiSocial Atheist says:

    Trump's "peace deal" is a joke. But trump supporters will believe he actually brought Israel a peace deal. They'll believe anything they hear on fox news

  • AntiSocial Atheist says:

    Kushner is a douche bag and ignorant lunatic. How are these people in control of our society? How did we allow this to happen?

  • This Palestinian treaty makes no sense. It seems like no one tries to understand there why they are upset. They're land was taken and given to others to settle on, and now those who have taken it and those who reside on it want them to be happy. How does this make any sense?

  • netanyahu……nuttin honey!!!!!! dump the trump stump. the plan is make sure there is never peace in the "middel east" so they can keep pretending their roman bible aka buy bull is true. it's so pathetic that americans allow these idiotic people to rule us through divide and conquer and duopoly.

  • Any idiot can give everything to 1 side of a dispute and claim it was brilliant. And Kushner is that idiot. Never even considering the other side WILL NOT FIX IT you enormous ass. But then you are used to one way relationships. All take, no give. Classic Trump.

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