Chris Garcia Stand-Up

Chris Garcia Stand-Up


(APPLAUSE)
>>THANK YOU SO MUCH. HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING? (APPLAUSE)
THANK YOU. I HOPE YOU GUYS ARE DOING GREAT,
TODAY A LADY AT ALBERTSONS TOLD ME I LOOKED LIKE PETER DIRNG
DINKLAGE. I TOOK IT AS A COMPLIMENT, BUT
YOUR LAUGHTER IS COMPLICATING THAT A LITTLE BIT. I’M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE, THIS
SAY VERY BIG DEAL FOR ME. I’M THFIRST PERSON IN MY
FAMILY BORN IN THE YEURNLTED STATES. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
SO GROWING UP MY PARENTS PUT A LOT OF PRESSURE ON ME, IMMIGRANT
PARENTS ALWAYS WANT YOU TO BE LIKE A DOCTOR OR LIKE A LAWYER. MY PARENTS WANTED ME TO BE AN
ASTRONAUT. THEY HAD BEEN– THEY’VE BEEN IN
THE COUNTRY FOR THREE YEARS AND THEY WABBED MY DUMB ASS TO GO TO
SPACE. I THINK THEY FORGOT THAT THEY’RE
THE HARDWORKING IMMIGRANTS. I’M AN AMERICAN. MY DREAM IS TO GET HIT BY A
WAL-MART TRUCK AND GET PAID FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. (APPLAUSE)
I’M LATINO OR LATINX IS THE TERM WE SHOULD BE USING NOW, YEAH. THE WORD LATINO IS GENDER BIASED
T IS NOT INCLUSIVE. THAT IS NOT COOL. BUT LATINX SOUNDS LIKE A MEXICAN
BUG SPRAY. (LAUGHTER)
YOU GOT COOKA RACHA USE LATINE, THE OFFICIAL BUG KILLER OF–
(LAUGHTER) MY WIFE IS WHITE, SHE’S REAL
WHITE, SHE’S JOE BIDEN. (LAUGHTER)
I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. NO, I’M JUST CAN IING. SHE’S NOT JOE BIDEN. SHE IS FROM IOWA THOUGH. I DONE KNOW IF YOU HAVE EVER
BEEN TO IOWA. BUT IT IS NOT VERY DIVERSE. I WAS THERE FOR CHRISTMAS. I WAS THE ONLY BLACK BUY THERE. I WAS THE ONLY BLACK GUY THEY
HAD EVER SEEN. (LAUGHTER)
HER DAD WAS LIKE ARE YOU SCOTTIE PIPEN. I WAS LIKE READ A BOOK. I LOVE MY WIFE, SHE’S AWESOME. SHE’S GREAT BUT THERE IS ALWAYS
LITTLE REMINDERS THAT WE ARE AN INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIP. YOU KNOW, RECENTLY WE’RE HAVING
SEX AND SHE SAID SOMETHING SHE NEVER SAID BEFORE. YEAH. SHE SAID SPEAK SPANISH TO ME. YEAH. I WAS LIKE QUE? (LAUGHTER)
SPEAKING SPANISH CREEPY BECAUSE IT WASN’T EVEN BEFORE SFNTLE SHE
WASN’T LIKE HEY, I THINK IT IS HOT WHEN YOU SPEAK SPANISH. MAYBE WE CAN TRY THAT SOMETIME. IT WAS DURING SEX, SHE WAS LIKE
SPEAK SPANISH TO ME. I WAS LIKE IS THIS A RAID, I
KNOW MY RITS. (LAUGHTER)
IT MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE, YOU KNOW. I DON’T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS
BUT THERE ARE WHITE GIRLS OUT THERE THAT HAVE A LATIN FETISH. IT’S TRUE AND IT’S ALWAYS KIND
OF WEIRD. THEY WILL CORNER YOU AT A MARYT,
WALK RIGHT UP TO YOU AND BE LIKE SO I HEAR ARE YOU FROM LOS
ANGELES. (LAUGHTER)
I LIVE IN SANTA MONICA BUT I’M ORIGINALLY FROM CHICAGO. (LAUGHTER)
SOMETIMES THEY’RE NOT SO FORTH RIGHT, YOU KNOW ABOUT THEIR
FETISH, SOMETIMES THEY ARE SNEAKY ABOUT T YOU KNOW. SOMETIMES YOU WOULDN’T KNOW THEY
HAVE A LATIN FETISH UNTIL THEY LEER LURE YOU BACK TO YOUR
BEDROOM PUT A SUM BRERO ON YOUR HEAD AND GO LET THE RHYTHM TAKE
YOU OVER.>>I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE
OBJECTIFIED. I DON’T WANT TO BE SEEN AS A
LATILOVER, I DON’T SEE MYSELF AS A LATIN LOVER, IF YOU THROW A
ROSE AT ME, WILL I CATCH IT IN MY MOUTH, YEAH, WE ALL CAN. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE) IT IS DAY ONE STUFF BUT THAT
DOES NOT DE FINE ME. YOU YOU GO I DECIDED TO GO FOR T
I KNOW MY WIFE DOESN’T HAVE A FETISH, YOU KNOW, SO I AM LIKE
ALL RIGHT, I LET’S DO THIS, I WILL SPEAK SPANISH, SO I START
WITH THE BASICS. YOU KNOW. AY. (SPEAKING SPANISH) YEAH, GOING
PRETTY GOOD, YOU KNOW. I AM NOT A BIG DIRTY TALKER
THOUGH SO I AM RUNNING OUT OF STUFF TO SAY, SO I JUST GO I
START NAMING OBJECTS IN THE ROOM EL BANO GRANDE. QUESTION PASA.>>SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT I AM
SAYING, HER SPANISH IS WORSE THAN A THOUGHTMENT SHE THINKS
I’M ANTONIO BANDERAS RIGHT NOW. SHE IS TURNED ON SO I TAKE
ADVANTAGE OF THE SITUATION, I START SAYING WHATEVER, YOU KNOW,
(SPEAKING SPANISH) WHICH MEANS I’M GOING TO STUFF A BUNCH OF
CHINESE NEWSPAPERS IN YOUR NISSAN AT MA AND IT IT WAS THE
BEST SEX WE EVER HAD. BECAUSE WE BOTH WON. SHE GOT HER LATIN LOVER FANTASY
AND I GOT TO ASK HER BOOBS WHERE THE LIBRARY IS. YOU GUYS ARE A LOT OF FUN, MY
MIME IS CHRIS GARCIA. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).>>ames: CHRIS GARCIA,
EVERYBODY. FROM WNYC. WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK,
EVERYBODY.

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