Chelsea Handler on Playing a Lesbian Couple with Her Real-Life Best Friend

Chelsea Handler on Playing a Lesbian Couple with Her Real-Life Best Friend

[APPLAUSE] Wow. Mama spent some money
today on an outfit that makes her look
very smart and slimming. It feels very
businesslike, doesn’t it? It does. Feels like spring
has sprung, and I’m about to go into business. [LAUGHTER] I’ll buy into that business. Thank you. You had a birthday a
couple of weeks ago. Sorry, I wasn’t invited. But how did that go? Well, I turned 45 years old. So I was pretty excited. [APPLAUSE] Why are you laughing at that? [LAUGHING] What do you think? That’s a joke. I’m not laughing. I’m laughing– I’m so happy that
you’re aging so beautifully. [LAUGHTER] I say I turned 45, and
he laughs in my face. Anyway, I decided to celebrate
by skiing down a mountain. Oh, yeah. But without any pants on. Let’s see. [LAUGHTER] And so I– Wait, totally naked? Well, no, I had underwear on. Just a thong. Yeah. I mean, obviously I don’t
want to get, you know, chapped or anything. [LAUGHTER] I have to protect my area. But see, my form? Sure. And I have what looks like– What is that? A joint and a margarita. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. [LAUGHTER] But obviously, that’s like– I wouldn’t do that. Because that’s irresponsible. Right. I would never ski
down a mountain with an actual margarita
and a lit joint. Yeah, so– It’s almost
impossible, actually. So– So what was it then? So it was a prop. [LAUGHTER] Two props, yeah. Oh, two props. Well– You got from the prop
table at the ski resort? Yes. Yeah. No, you know, I don’t want
anybody to get in trouble, and the mountain frowns upon
smoking on the mountain. And I, of course, do too. And so the people I was
around, like my ski guide. This woman got in
a lot of trouble. How could you let Chelsea
ski down without any pants on, with a joint and margarita. Like this is– and I felt
bad, because I didn’t want to get her in trouble. And I always get people
in trouble, you know? Right, right, right, right. But it’s not her fault. Because
if I want to take my pants off with a margarita and a joint
and ski down a mountain, then I’m going to do it. And nobody is going to stop me. Yeah. [APPLAUSE] I love that. Know what I mean? It’s my birthday. Air high five. Yeah. So– That’s how I celebrate me. I love– I love it. At least somebody does. Yes, exactly. Hey, remember the first
time we fell in love? Yes, I do. That was at the
game show, right? Yes. On NBC? Yeah. And we were– were we
playing on the same team? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well not any more. We had a strong connection. Yeah. And then I came on Will & Grace. Yes. And I played a lesbian with my
best friend, Mary McCormick. We played a lesbian couple. She was a little bit
domineering, which is basically our relationship in real life. I love her. And– She’s great. And we had a really– I had a very hard time
being on a sitcom. And you guys were
trying to be very nice. You were fantastic. I’m not good reading
other people’s lines. I’m better when I just
say what I feel like. Yeah. But you were really
truly, truly fantastic. And I was– you really were. It was hilarious. [INAUDIBLE] It was bad. It was bad. I watched the show. I was there. And you were amazing. The taping– the taping of
the show ended up being fine. But the rehearsals. Like I don’t prepare
for things, and they do. So when I came on
thinking, I’m like hot. I’m like, oh,
yeah, Will & Grace. I can nail this. And then, like, you know,
two days into rehearsal, they’re, like, you need to
learn your lines, little girl. And then you were like,
can you run lines with me? And I was like busy. No, I’m kidding. Will you make friends with me. No, you were so
sweet and so funny. Do you– have you ever played
a lesbian in real life? I have played a
lesbian in real life. You have? Yeah, I went to college. Well, I didn’t, but
I acted like I did. [LAUGHTER] Wait, you didn’t go to college? I did not get accepted anywhere. No. What about now? Try now. I mean, I would
probably get in now. I took my SATs– If you could ski
there, you’d go. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, if you could take skiing–
if you could take college while you’re skiing. Sure. So I didn’t take
school seriously, so, no, I didn’t get in. I didn’t go to college because
I didn’t apply to college. Well, it’s good that
this is a daytime show. So, listen, Mary– [LAUGHTER] Mary McCormack is posting
PSAs on social media to help you find love. I’m just trying to
cast a wide net. And I– and she’s encouraging
me to spread that message, that I’m available and
ready for a relationship. So I’m saying it over
and over and over again. OK, so what kind of guy
are you looking for? Uh– Like, what do you
look for in a guy? Like physical first? I want physical ruggedness. Does it matter? Brains? Ruggedness. Somebody who can pick me
up and throw me around, if I need that to happen. [LAUGHTER] You know, not like a
requirement daily– At a moment’s notice. But like in a situation,
if we’re in a jam, and you need to pick me up, I
need you to be able to do that. Well, I need to say something. I think one of your deepest,
darkest secrets that nobody knows, and I do, is that you’re
an incredibly charitable kind, sweet person. And you are gorgeous. And any man would be
so lucky to have you. Well that– thank you. [APPLAUSE] Yeah, it’s true. Well, I appreciate that. Unfortunately that
would mean a lot more coming from a straight man. So– [LAUGHTER] Look, I can pretend. I wear a lot of hats. Yeah, yeah. So I have some
super exciting news that you’re going to be
returning to stand-up. Is that true? I am. I am returning to stand-up. [APPLAUSE] Thank you. Thank you, yeah. I am loving it again. I mean, I’m in a whole new
kind of phase of my life. So I’m like, clear
headed, you know, not boozing and drinking
the way that I used to. So I’m, like, present
and meditating. I love that. Doing all the stuff I
used to make fun of. And do– Now, I mean, I’m not
going on a silent retreat anytime soon, OK. I mean, I’m not
that carried away. But I’m definitely
like, on the train to, like, self-help
and self betterment. And what made you want
to stop doing stand-up in the first place? Oh, just being burnt out
and doing too much of it. And traveling all the time. Yeah. And not really
appreciating the moment. And I didn’t really feel
like I had a message. I think now, from my last book,
it’s about grief and death. And I’m, like, if I can turn
that into a stand-up special and make it funny– Yeah, I love that. To talk about those topics,
then I have a message, and I have something. So, you know, if you’re
interested in seeing me, just follow me on one of those– Go to your house? Media. Come over. Sean will tweet out the
address in about five min– it’s probably out there already. So just come over. But you do have two true
loves of your life already. Bert and Bernice, you’re
talking about my dogs? Yes. Yeah, yes. How are they? What’s new? Oh, look at that. That’s like me, holding
them at gunpoint, trying to take a
picture, you know. I mean, yeah, so
Burt and Bernice are a brother and sister duo. And Bert is the Lion
King in my mind. I love that. And Bernice likes to
sleep out on the balcony, and she’s aloof. So I’m working on Bert. So now he’s trained
to come up to my bed and sleep with me at
night without a leash. So we’re making progress. So, if you do that to
a man, you’re all set. That’s– that’s true. That’s true, Sean. Train– I am all set, thank you. [LAUGHTER]


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