Build don’t break relationships with communication – connect the dots | Amy Scott | TEDxQueenstown

Build don’t break relationships with communication – connect the dots | Amy Scott | TEDxQueenstown


Translator: Tanya Cushman
Reviewer: Peter van de Ven Wow. Thanks. What if your natural communication style is crippling your relationships? What if the way that you
naturally process information is doing more harm than good? What if every time you opened your mouth or just walked into a room, you caused damage? Your communication style is the biggest biohazard
to your relationships. Now, there’s something
really beautiful about small ideas that are simple to apply. And ladies and gentlemen,
I have the privilege today of sharing with you a small idea that was created
right here in Atohira, right here in New Zealand. I haven’t got much time, but I’m going to take you
on a bit of a journey. I want you to get a sense
of your natural communication style so you can remove some of the risk
to your relationships. Because communication is vital in truly connecting with people. Of course, there are other components: courage, compassion,
commitment, curiousity. But let’s start today with an easy bit;
let’s start with communication. Now, David Dixon is the Kiwi
who spent over 25 years researching different
personality profiling systems and different communication models
from all around the world. And in true New Zealand style,
he basically said, “If you get rid of
the fluff and the hype” – I think he used a different word;
it started with “bull” – (Laughter) “If you get rid of the fluff and the hype,
what it comes down to is we are a combination of these
four different communication styles. You cannot be just one. And none are better or worse
than the others.” Of course, he looked at Myers-Briggs. Of course, he looked at TMI and DISC, Personality Plus, teacher MAPping, Hermann’s. He even looked at the Simpsons. (Laughter) So, strap yourself in, what I want to do is give you
enough information in this session, to get a sense of what
your natural communication style is. Okay. In fact, famous Irish playwright
George Bernard Shaw, it was him that said, “The single biggest problem
with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” Having been a lawyer,
a family lawyer, I can certainly say that I’ve seen the very real effects
of miscommunication. So, I’m going to talk to you
about the simple New Zealand tool, called DOTS. Now, just before I start, for some of you,
you need a more technical term or something that sounds
a bit more scientific because DOTS sounds a bit babyish. You are quite red in your thinking. So, what I’m talking about this afternoon is precognitive communication. It’s the study of the way
that we process our thoughts. Some of you process thoughts by talking. A lot. (Laughter) There’s a few of you here. (Laughter) Some of you process by thinking things through thoroughly. Some of you process by turning
the things that you’re hearing, the words, into pictures inside your mind. And some of you process
by simply getting a feel for what’s occurring. It’s hard to put that into words. It’s more of an intuitive process. I’m going to start
with the beautiful purple dots. People who are strong
and purple talk a lot. Thoughts and ideas are
constantly popping into their mind. There is no stopping and thinking. It pops into their mind
and straight out their mouth. These people are interested
in the “what” in any communication. What do you want? Don’t tell me why – not interested –
what do you want from me? Don’t tell me,
as a purple dot, how to do it. If you tell me how to do it,
I will deliberately not do it that way. And can I assure you
that not every teenager is purple? (Laughter) Okay, so, they have ideas;
they are great at starting projects. These people are high energy. You’ll know if you are sharing
an office with a purple dot. Because you’ll hear them, and they’ll probably be
in the office by themselves. (Laughter) Contrast our beautiful purple dot with the red dot. Red dots do not open their mouth until they have thoroughly
thought it through. It will add up; it will make sense. They talk in bullet points: “Yep.” “Nope.” “Go away.” (Laughter) Can you imagine, ladies and gentlemen,
just with that little bit of knowledge. A beautiful purple dot and a red dot traveling to stunning Invercargill. (Laughter) We’re talking about
a two-hour car journey. (Laughter) Purple dot, blissfully unaware:
“Chat, chat, chat, chat, chat.” All the red dot wants to do
is kill and maim. (Laughter) And that’s before they’ve even
got to Invercargill. So red dots are interested
in facts and figures. And they are quite straight up
in their approach: “A spade is a spade.” The other people in your organization
sit quite like organizational charts, where it sets out logically
where everyone fits in. It’s beautiful. So, they’re listening
in any communication for the where. Where they fit. Purple dots are listening for the what.
Red dots are listening for the where. Yellow dots naturally process information
by turning everything you say to them into pictures inside their mind. These people like their environment to be neat and tidy. They can spot a spelling mistake
from 30 kilometers away. Now, that’s a gift. And if you’re living – here’s a wee tip – if any of you are living
with a yellow dot, and they set the table a certain way, don’t mess with it. (Laughter) Yellow dots are listening
in any communication for the when. When? When? When? Time is very important for these people. If they say 10 AM, they mean 9:59. For a purple dot to get to a meeting,
if they get there within ten minutes, they think they are on time. (Laughter) Uhuh, I ‘m feeling the pain
of the yellow dots, married to purple dots. (Laughter) So, yellow dots, they want lots of data
so they can build pictures, and time is really important to them. You can spot the yellow dot
in the workplace. They are people
that will be putting up signs reminding other people
to clear away the coffee cups. Or clear out the dishwasher. Meanwhile, the blue dot team members
will be quietly putting the cups away. Because they want to keep the peace
and just get it done. So, our blue dots,
last, but certainly not least, they process information by turning
everything you say to them into feelings and sensations. So, they’re processing
almost through their body. It’s part of a heart-based process. These people are hands-on. They like to finish things
and have everything go well. They’re excellent team players. They like to get their hands dirty,
if you like, or hands-on stuff: in the garden, fix cars. In any communication,
the blue dot is listening for the “why.” Why? Why? Why? They need to feel comfortable
before they’re going to start a task or do what it is
that you’re requesting them to do. Now, with that little bit of information: Picture for me a red dot parent
that wants to get stuff done. And a blue dot child, that’s just trying to get a feel
and might not be quite ready to move. And the blue dot child
might unwittingly ask, “Why?” And the red dot parent might find
that to be a bit disrespectful: “Just get on with it!” (Laughter) But for the blue dot child,
that’s not being disrespectful. They’re seriously just getting a feel
for what’s required. Communication is vital to truly connecting with other people. And I’ve just given you a short taste
of the different dots, today: A simple, New Zealand-made
communication tool that can help you get on to
somebody else’s wavelength. Because what I’m talking about is your communication style,
without you even realizing, may be causing the people
around you to judge you or misperceive your intentions. Imagine … if everyone
in the whole wide world could communicate more effectively. What a legacy we could leave. I find that exciting. My question for each of you today, because it is my belief, if all we do is to use dots to communicate
more effectively, what an incredible difference this little tool
from New Zealand could make. My question, ladies and gentlemen: What dot are you? Thank you so very much. (Applause)

Author:

89 thoughts on “Build don’t break relationships with communication – connect the dots | Amy Scott | TEDxQueenstown”

  • wow, i am thoroughly impressed with amy's presentation style, charisma, positively buoyant energy and message. yes, how amazing this world could be if we took communication as seriously as we do driver's licenses!

  • great talk! as I was listening to your talk I envisioned previous coworkers and friends with dots… and I would totally be putting the coffee cups away! Hahaha. great job amy!

  • Short sweet, to the point in clear understandable and entertaining style. Bravo Amy…I am inspired to use this information!

  • Legal Services says:

    That was too brief~ I wanted to learn more! She has a website under her name which I found easily. For those of you who commented that you are not any one of the dots; she said you can be a combo of more than one! These comments just go to prove that the message sent is not necessarily clearly received by the listening party!!! Communication is key and yet so rarely is it actually successful. I think we all need help in this area and it may even be the key to less friction worldwide🌍

  • Jamie Hampton says:

    I think I pass between the dots, especially when my emotions come into play. I wish that a little more clarity had been given to the interplay of the dots but I understand it's a short time slot. Nonetheless excellent presentation, well said all around. To anyone on here posting rude or hateful comments, the only lasting impression you're making is on yourselves. This woman has spent years researching in a rigorous scientific field. You write ignorant comments on the internet. She has been the subject of 78,000 views and therefore 78,000 opinions. You hide behind a username. Who's to pity here? What's sad is that by acting so ignorant you give away your power. But you likely won't understand that before you've given it all away.

  • Martine Metzger says:

    Very stereotypical, Very innacurate on some level. Needs improvement (especially because it has a good base, but a bad exploitation ; yes communicaton is important, but defining bad profile of communicator (or not enough universals…) can lead to bad habit creation… And Everybody knows the power of habits 😉

  • Her points and content was impactful however I found her sometimes mocking a few personality types. For instance saying “They’ll be people who people don’t talk to at the office”. She could’ve been solution-driven instead.

  • Sharlotte Swinton says:

    olefin the blood around my mother touch her heal her from head to toes and help me bf to get along in and break this hate curse voodoo mission witches they are speaking forward prayer in jesus name

  • A New Love Official says:

    Every relationship that fell apart is not because you have fallen out of love but sometimes the lack of communication plays the part. Always talk to your partner about your differences before the situation gets worse. If you can't talk to him anymore, your relationship is in trouble.

  • Her telling us we can't be only one kind of dot in the beginning then finishing with asking which kind of dot I am confused the whole talk for me.

  • Sooo. Basically she just described people with ADHD as "purple dots" and went on to shame them through the middle of this thing. And then left no actual helpful information about how the dots can connect with each other at all… this was so useless in addition to being offensive.

  • Dawn Del Rossi says:

    I really enjoyed listening to this Tedx Talk. I'm woking on a conflict resolution/bullying/is violence an answer/war project for my master's in curriculum and instruction. In my undergrad work I took a class on language and the subtleties of meaning. It's interesting you say no dot is better or worse than the other but always describe the purple dots as lovely, beautiful, strong but give the impression you don't really like purple dots. You present them like Southerners' when they say "Bless their hearts." Poor things they are "blissfully unaware." I think this is a fascinating philosophy and does bring up lots of great points. It reminds me of the "5 Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman. I am going to search for more information to be able to add this video or others to my research. Thank you

  • Cris Lillemets says:

    Haha. I am a combination of all the most annoying parts of all the dots😁 i talk all the time and it just flows out. I am also win-win person and put up signs for others. When someone wants me to do something then I need details. But when I spot aometing to do I am very hands on and determined. I see everything in pictures. So I guess I am only not red. I have qualities from all other dots..

  • You would be suprised how some people can´t communicate. For an example my girlfriend, soon to become my ex girlfriend, has big troubles how to communicate with a partner. She is over 30 years old, works as a attorney but communicates like a child. Many parents do the mistake and don´t learn their children how to communicate, for an example, when we are in a argument, the only thing she wants to do is to her computer or close the door to our bedroom, and I need to come to her and solve our problems. She has big troubles finding what she does wrong, even when I have told her for years what really annoys me, and her default communication voice is with a over exaggerating voice. She does not now that when she talks like that, it stresses her partner. But I blame her parents! She is beautiful, kind, smart and giving but her communication is really really terrible and after 3 years it´s perhaps time to go. Sorry for bad english, just wanted to write me off a bit.

  • These 4 major temperament types were identified by the ancient Greeks, and have been explained using "love languages," the Myers Briggs sorter, and many other tools meant to help us realize that other people can perceive the world through a lens very different from our own. Not surprisingly, these biologically predictable traits even underly our political leanings.

    A community of people could not thrive or survive if we all had the same temperament. We need architects and builders, doctors/caregivers and defenders/first responders, scientists and artists (to name a few). Each must value different things (a scientist must experiment, while an accountant must stick to the rules). A nurturer sensitive enough to help a nonverbal patient or baby might not make a good warrior. We each have a role to play.

    We used to know this.

  • Steve Kambiski says:

    This women is very smart. We have a lot of simple miscommunication all over our nation and world. Of course the times are always changing like the bob dylan song. What dot are you, she said. I couldn't agree more with her, but there are many different varieties of dots, and some dots stay undiscovered that just blend in. Millions and millions of dots. Great speech.

  • بہرنہس آلمہجہنہوٌن says:

    I am a young man from Syria and I am currently in Turkey and I call Ayman and I am serious +90 538 254 88 25 This is the number of my mobile phone I want to know a nice girl from Iceland for marriage

  • Jeremiah Mcdaniel says:

    The lack of trust and not being able to express our feeling to each other is gone destroy any relationship it takes communication no matter the issue don't give up on your partner talk about whatever.

  • Kee-pyor Myndopen says:

    Helpful tools. Great talk. Thank you

    A little compartmentalised. People are often a combination. I didn’t find these definitive in any of the psychometrics I use in my practice.

    Useful concepts to try and understand people’s different styles and therein, lies the brilliance of this concept. We all communicate AND receive information differently.

  • Craig Tinsley says:

    @2:23 she says, "you cannot be just one, and none are better or worse than the others," but then the end question which I'm assuming she wrote and rehearsed multiple times, "What…DOT…Are…You?"

    I was hoping for more elaboration on how they blend. I don't want to attempt to pigeonhole myself into one. I know she was using the one-dimensional individuals as examples, but that first caveat really begs questions about why they were introduced that way.

  • Mayra Schilling says:

    So what’s the tool? She described different types of communication but not about the tool to help communicate with people from other dots. I’m confused.

  • Interesting concept, but the title is misleading. I've watched this video twice, maybe a year apart, hoping she was going to get more into how the dot types apply to the title, but I don't think she did.

  • Where we mess up as humans is trying to label each other as anything other than, human. When labels come into play, that’s when hatred also enters the room. We are all indifferently the same because we are all humans. If you try hard enough and spend enough time with a human, you start to pick up on subtle ways they communicate. It’s then your choice to communicate back or let it go. And that’s when love comes into play. By just trying to understand someone, Love is shown. There are so many ways to communicate that if you force people into categories, it would be hard to free their minds to intermingle. That’s why alien don’t come here lol

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