Break Ups: Part 4

Break Ups: Part 4


Am I… gonna be okay? Don’t be a little bitch, of course you will! It’s just a relationship. But… what was the reason for it? She didn’t give me a reason. I need a reason so I can move on.. It was so sudden. I didn’t even see it coming at all. How can she just want that and– –without a discussion, too… She… lied to me. I was forced to believe that everything was okay.. How do you just lose interest? There has to be a reason for it. How can things just plummet down without my awareness? Was I so ignorant towards you? But I did my best- -Didn’t I? If my best wasn’t enough, then– what does it take? I gave you the benefit of the doubt ; I didn’t want to seem paranoid so I overlooked any speculation. But then you called it off, and with so much conviction too– as if you were bottling it up until it became unbearable. Wait, this… is a joke… Yea- Yea that’s it. It’s, it’s just a prank– Right? Any time now. I’ll get that text. “I made a mistake, I’m sorry.” But… it’s been days– It’s okay. I’ll wait. Then– Weeks.. Hm. I’ll wait longer. Months. Years. Why..? I still remember it clearly. In that short moment of silence– I attempted to race through the stages of grief in an effort to cheat the process. I wouldn’t bargain. I wasn’t gonna beg her. If this was supposed to last then you wouldn’t put me in that undignified position. I wasn’t going to badger you with questions in hopes to appease my painful curiosity. Let’s just fast forward a bit and pretend I’ve accepted your decision. Things are all right now. No regrets. I’ve moved on. But that’s the thing about pretending: When there’s no one else around, You’re only fooling yourself. Throughout your life people will often tell you that “Everything happens for a reason.” And while I may agree to that to some extent, I also believe that it isn’t necessarily your job to find those reasons. Sometimes it’s okay to avoid the painful journey of “finding the truth” Sometimes it’s better to just focus on accepting things despite the lack of clarity and- move on. I met Karen during my third year of University Once again, I found someone who was interesting. We liked the same music, had the same sense of humor, so on and so on– Someone who I was once again compatible with. She lived two cities away. I had my license- but not my own car. So seeing each other meant we either had to meet halfway, Or commute a total of three hours to each other’s house It was worth it every time School was even more intense than the first two years, And it meant accumulating stress that I had to control, and not repeat the mistake of taking it out on my relationship. I did pretty well. I balanced my priorities between School, Friends, Family, A part-time job, And Her. We were a stable relationship. Or, so I thought. We had a mutual agreement that honesty between us was important. It meant sharing everything with each other, No secrets. It meant setting aside our egos, No arguments. But what it came down to most of all, was– Trust. And after nine months of being together, That agreement– was broken. I was then going into my fourth and final year of university. It was the first week of school. I remember it happened on a Thursday. I got home in the evening, and I received the text: “Hey” “Wanna Webcam?” I found it– Odd. Because we usually do that together right before going to bed. But I got on. I started the call, and I saw her there– crying. “Hey, what’s wrong?” “I… I wanna break up.” When you hear those words, After believing you’re in something so solid, So stable, You become flooded with concern and curiosity, And the first question you prioritize is– “Why?” “Why now?” “Why not earlier?” “Why are you the one crying?” “Why aren’t we doing this face to face?” But it doesn’t stop there ; “How?” “How long have you felt this way?” “How can you expect me to believe that?” “What?” “What did I do wrong?” “What will become of us now?” And it continues– [Echo] “Do you realize you’re doing exactly what your ex did to you?” [Echo] “Is there someone else?” [Echo] “Was it that guy in your volunteer?” [Echo] “Did you feel…?” Because those questions branched out into more… and more… and more… Until I was left with an insatiable tree that seek the truth; Curiosity was my gluttony. “I… I’m gonna go. I have some work to do. I’ll talk to you later. ” The call ends. Only few of my questions were answered, but even then, the trust was already broken And I was compelled to discredit any truth in her answers. I didn’t do my work. I went to sleep hoping this was all a nightmare. But I woke up the next day, only to face the harsh truth that the world continues, No matter what. Whether it’s losing a job, Losing a loved one, Just… Losing. And if you fall behind, Then you’re left behind. Friends tried to console me, but their words were drowned beneath the questions in my head. [Echo] “Will we ever be friends again?” [Echo] “Why didn’t she tell me something was wrong?” [Echo] “I miss her. I miss her so much.” I eventually came to accept my situation, and in an attempt to fix myself, I figured all I needed to do was find someone new. You know- when your toy breaks, and– It can’t be fixed, You go get a new one. But that’s an unreliable ideology, and it doesn’t work for everyone. In my vanity, I believe that was such a good partner- and found it unfair to be punished like this. I went searching. Countless girls, Countless dates, Non-Compatible. This went on for a year, and I eventually gave up, and I wish I had sooner, So I didn’t have to waste all the time putting my dignity on the line. At the same time I gave up, I got over her. I still missed her being part of my life, But accepted that she was now a thing of the past– something that I can’t bring back She was a previous chapter of which I can only indulge in re-reading the story, But not re-live the experience. I gave up the search. I gave up the questions. They didn’t need answers. You see, when a toy breaks, you’re not always ready for a new one. Sometimes you have to remain in that state of being without a toy to reflect upon yourself. You have to learn to be strong on your own and exist in independence. You’re not supposed to go looking for a new toy. You wait until you’ve earned it– as a gift People will often tell you that “Everything happens for a reason”, but it isn’t necessarily your job to find those reasons. Sometimes the best thing to do is just– Accept, and move on.

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