for the time being at least a UK military
intervention seems unlikely. Why are we doing this outside?
I’m just… well cause it’s cold and it’s starting to rain and we can easily do it from a
studio, I’m just wondering what it… Well that’s very easy for you to say in your Ivory Tower, I’m just wondering what… Really? Really? Okay, do you want to hear what he just said? Do you want to hear what he… He just said why don’t you for once in your life just do the fucking news. Alright. No! No! No! No! I’m gonna do… No! I’m goanna do the fucking news. No! Here is the fucking news. Ex-Commercial TV PR man, old Etonian and occasional pig fucker David Cameron would like to bomb Syria. Unfortunately Russia’s
got there first and America’s been doing it for ages, he wants to bomb Syria to stop the flow
of refugees fleeing all the bombs, he’s also hoping it will stop the
increased influence of Islamic extremism. Bombing Syria will of course destroy the
one remaining multicultural society in the region leaving it open to the
increased influence of Islamic extremism, to bomb Syria therefore is clearly
mental! In other news… No, no no no! I’m doing No, I’m doing the news, I’m doing the
fucking news! In other news… In other news, Muslims are bad, China’s bad but not as bad as it used to be and Russia is always bad.
Nuclear weapons are good and to suggest not using nuclear weapons is bad. On to
the economy, debt is good, corrupt banks are bad, but not bad for us to do anything
about them, and poverty in the UK is a figment of your imagination. On to housing, Jeremy
Corbyn’s plans to build affordable housing and create social housing for
the poorest people in our society is a terrible idea. That’s according to multi-millionaire
property magnet and all-around shitpot Sir Alan Sugar. Environmental news, there’s
nothing to worry about so please carry on consuming at your usual rate. And finally, tonight, entertainment. Matt Damon’s intelligent
and articulate observations about sexuality in Hollywood means that he is
definitely a homophobic twat! My name is Jonathan Pie, and that was
that fucking news!