-We here at “Late Night”
have a lot of expenses. And to cover the cost
of those expenses, we have taken on some sponsors, but some of them
are pretty terrible sponsors. They’re sponsors
we’re not proud of. Sponsors I am ashamed
we took money from. But because we did, we now have to now mention
these sponsors on the air. So I would like to apologize
in advance. “Late Night” tonight is brought
to you by Pogo Crutches. [ Laughter ] The crutches that will have you
jumping sky high. Did you twist your ankle? See if lightning will strike
twice with Pogo Crutches! [ Laughter ] We’re also brought to you
tonight by Pony Horses. [ Audience awws ] Does your pony have places to
be, but no way to get there? Well, worry no more,
with Pony Horses, the only horses for ponies.
Pony Horses. They’re not [bleep]. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] We’re also sponsored
by Mass Knuckles, the brass knuckles
you wear to church. [ Laughter ] Be ready for your next church
fight with Mass Knuckles. Mass Knuckles —
Jesus said, “Knock you out.” [ Laughter and applause ] We’re also
brought to you tonight by Just the Juice
Vienna Sausages. [ Audience groaning ] Do you love the taste
of those little sausages that come in a jar?
Neither do we. That’s why we threw them out
to bring you just the juice. [ Audience groaning ] Mmm. Tastes like a pig took
a salty bath. [ Laughter ] Don’t forget about “Noice”
Canceling Headphones. If there’s one thing
we all can’t stand, it’s when someone says “Noice.” But now with
“Noice” Canceling Headphones, you’ll never have to hear it
again, and if you ask me,
that’s…to hear. [ Laughter and applause ] Wet Confetti.
[ Laughter ] No more waiting
till the end of the party to scrape wet confetti
off the floor, because Wet Confetti is wet
from the very beginning. The party might be over, but you still got to clean up
that Wet Confetti. [ Laughter ] Mouse Pads. Is your mouse becoming a woman?
Get her Mouse Pads. [ Audience groans ] [ Laughter ] Amber! [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] We’re also brought to you
tonight by Big Raccoons. Are you — Hey, you guys. Hey, guys. Guys, are you tired?
Are you guys all tired? [ Laughter ] Seriously. Guys, guys, guys are you tired
of regular sized raccoons digging around
in your garbage cans? Well, scientists at the
Animal Genome Revolution Center have solved your woes.
It’s Big Raccoons. These raccoons are so big, they
won’t fit in your garbage cans. And these bear sized critters
can’t sneak up on you because you will
hear them coming. [ Laughter ] Mouse Pads. And finally,
Family-Size Toilets. [ Laughter ] are you tired of everyone
in your house going to the bathroom
separately? With this massive 12-foot wide
toilet, there’s enough room for everyone
in your family, even grandma. Finally,
going to the bathroom is an activity the whole family
can do together. Family-Size Toilets, because family is number one
and…number two. [ Laughter ]
That’s it for our bad sponsors. Here are some of the good ones.
[ Cheers and applause ]