As The Walls Close In, Donald Trump Is Clearly Losing It

As The Walls Close In, Donald Trump Is Clearly Losing It


WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO “THE
LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. FOLKS, DONALD TRUMP IS CLEARLY
LOSING IT, AND HE DID NOT HAVE A SURPLUS OF “IT” TO BEGIN WITH. THE IMPEACHMENT VULTURES ARE
CIRCLING, AND HE’S WORRIED, BECAUSE HE KNOWS THERE’S A LOT
OF MEAT ON THAT BONE AND IT’S GETTING GAMEY. I’LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN OUR
ONGOING SEGMENT:>>”DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH.”>>YOU CAN’T IMPEACH SOMEBODY
FOR DOING THE BEST JOB OF ANYBODY IN THE HISTORY OF OUR
COUNTRY.>>Stephen: IN RESPONSE TO
IMPEACHMENT, TRUMP HASN’T FORMULATED MUCH OF A PLAN YET,
UNLESS YOU COUNT FREAKING OUT ON TWITTER: “AS I LEARN MORE AND
MORE EACH DAY, I AM COMING TO THE CONCLUSION THAT WHAT IS
TAKING PLACE IS NOT AN IMPEACHMENT, IT IS A COUP,
INTENDED TO TAKE AWAY THE POWER OF THE– DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT,
DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT– PEOPLE, THEIR VOTE, THEIR FREEDOMS,
THEIR SECOND AMENDMENT, RELIGION, MILITARY, BORDER WALL,
AND THEIR GOD-GIVEN RIGHTS AS A CITIZEN OF THE UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA!”( APPLAUSE )
“YES, THAT’S RIGHT, THAT’S RIGHT, BELIEVE ME. THEY’RE COMING FOR YOUR
RELIGION, OUR BELOVED JEEBUS AND ALL 12 OF HIS APOSSIBLES.( LAUGHTER )
YOU GOT PETER, PAUL, ALMOND JOY, DANCER, PRANCER, KILI,
FILI, DORI, NORI, ORI, CURLY, GRUMPY, AND JOHNNY STORM THE
HUMAN TORCH.” WHAT DOES HE MEAN–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT DOES HE MEAN– THE HUMAN
TORCH! WHAT DOES HE MEAN, “TAKE AWAY
YOUR GUNS AND RELIGION”? DOES HE NOT KNOW IF TRUMP IS
REMOVED FROM OFFICE, MIKE PENCE BECOMES PRESIDENT? OR IS HE TRYING TO TELL US THAT
PENCE IS WAY DIFFERENT BEHIND CLOSED DOORS? (AS PENCE)
“IT’S ALL BEEN AN ELABORATE RUSE, MOTHER, SO THAT I CAN TAKE
AWAY THEIR AK-47s AND GIVE THEM TO MY SWEET LORD SATAN. ALSO, YOU ARE NO LONGER MOTHER. YOUR NAME IS SUGARSHORTS. NOW, BACK UP THAT BADONKADONK
LIKE A TONKA TRUCK.” BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
♪ ♪ ♪>>Stephen: TRUMP– TRUMP–
THANK YOU. TRUMP CONTINUED TO FROTH IN A
JOINT APPEARANCE THIS AFTERNOON WITH THE PRESIDENT OF FINLAND. I’LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN
TODAY’S INSTALLMENT OF…>>”CHAIR CHAT”
>>Stephen: TRUMP WAS CLEARLY IN A BIT OF A MOOD. AND IF YOU HAD TO SUM IT UP IN
ONE PHOTO FROM TODAY, IT WOULD BE THIS ONE. HE LOOKS LIKE AN OLD CAT WHEN
YOU BRING HOME A NEW CAT.( CAT HISS )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUMP GOT FEISTY RIGHT OFF THE
BEAM WHEN HE WAS ASKED ABOUT ADAM SCHIFF.>>CALL HIM SHIFTY SCHIFF. WE DON’T CALL HIM “SHIFTY
SCHIFF” FOR NOTHING. HE’S A SHIFTY, DISHONEST GUY–
WHO, BY THE WAY, WAS CRITICAL OF ONE OF THE GREAT SECRETARIES OF
STATE, GRADUATED NUMBER ONE IN HIS CLASS AT WEST POINT,
GRADUATED TOP– ONE OF THE TOP IN HIS CLASS AT HARVARD LAW
SCHOOL, THE MOST HONORABLE PERSON, MIKE POMPEO. AND THIS GUY WAS NEGATIVE ON
MIKE POMPEO. HE CAN’T– YOU KNOW, THERE’S AN
EXPRESSION: HE COULDN’T CARRY HIS BLANK STRAP. I WON’T SAY IT, BECAUSE THEY’LL
SAY IT WAS SO TERRIBLE TO SAY, BUT THAT GUY COULDN’T CARRY HIS
BLANK STRAP. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? >>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?( LAUGHTER )
NO? NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THAT? BLANK STRAP, I’M TALKING ABOUT A
WANG POUCH. HOW ABOUT THAT THAT BANANA
HAMMOCK? ANYONE?”
THEN TRUMP GOT TO THE HEART OF THE IMPEACHMENT ISSUE.>>THE WHISTLEBLOWER WAS WRONG. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS
THE TRANSCRIPT OF THE ACTUAL CONVERSATION THAT I HAD WITH THE
PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE.>>Stephen: YES! ALL THAT MATTERS IS THE
TRANSCRIPT, THE TRANSCRIPT WHERE THE PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE ASKS
FOR MISSILES, AND YOU SAY, “I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO US A FAVOR,
THOUGH.”( LAUGHTER )
IT’S LIKE A SCOOBY-DOO VILLAIN SAYING, “I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN
AWAY WITH IT, TOO, IF IT WASN’T FOR ME RELEASING THIS SIGNED
CONFESSION. HERE, I’LL RIP OFF MY OWN MASK! I’M OLD MAN McGINTY!”
( LAUGHTER )
THEN, ABOUT AN HOUR LATER, TRUMP
HELD A JOINT PRESS CONFERENCE WITH THE FINNISH PRESIDENT. HE BEGAN BY DEFENDING HIS ASKING
THE UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT TO DIG UP DIRT ON JOE BIDEN.>>THE CALL WAS PERFECT, THE
REAL CALL, THE CALL I MADE. MANY PEOPLE WERE ON THE LINE. I KNEW THAT BECAUSE USUALLY WHEN
I SPEAK TO FOREIGN COUNTRY LEADERS– YOU CAN NAME ANY ONE
OF THEM– BUT WHEN I SPEAK ON THE PHONE, I KNOW THAT WE HAVE
MANY PEOPLE LISTENING FROM VARIOUS INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“FROM VARIOUS INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES– THE SAUDIS, I THINK,
ARE ON THERE, I BELIEVE THE CHINESE HAVE ME BUGGED PRETTY
GOOD, BUT NOT RUSSIA. I JUST FORWARD THEM THE
TRANSCRIPTS DIRECTLY.”( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Jon: OH, WOW!>>Stephen: THERE YOU GO. AND HE KEPT INSISTING THAT HIS
PHONE CALL WAS PERFECT, AND THAT THE DOCUMENT THAT PROVES HE’S
GUILTY DOESN’T SAY WHAT WE ALL SEE THAT IT SAYS.>>I HAD A TRANSCRIPT DONE BY
VERY, VERY TALENTED PEOPLE, WORD FOR WORD. COMMA FOR COMMA. DONE BY PEOPLE THAT DO IT FOR A
LIVING. WE HAD AN EXACT TRANSCRIPT.>>Stephen: OKAY, LET’S TAKE A
LOOK AT THIS EXACT TRANSCRIPT AND SEE WHAT THE TALENTED PEOPLE
WROTE. RIGHT ON THE FIRST PAGE IT SAYS,
“NOT A VERBATIM TRANSCRIPT OF THE DISCUSSION.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT’S RIGHT– IT’S RIGHT THERE. IT SAYS THAT RIGHT ON THE FIRST
PAGE. MR. PRESIDENT, IS IT POSSIBLE
THAT YOU CAN’T READ?( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE I’VE GOT BAD NEWS FOR YOU: THE AMERICAN PEOPLE CAN. THOUGH, IT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY
YOUR SIGNATURE LOOKS LIKE A LIE DETECTOR TEST.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THAT YOU FAILED. TRUMP TALKED ABOUT HOW HARD THIS
IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY HAS BEEN ON HIM AS A PRESIDENT, THE MOST
POWERFUL VICTIM IN THE WORLD.>>WE HAD THE MUELLER COLLUSION
DELUSION, OKAY. THAT WENT ON FOR YEARS. AND THAT’S FINALLY DONE. NOW, I GET THREE DAYS OF PEACE. AND I’M WALKING ABOUT THE UNITED
NATIONS, GOING TO MEET WITH THE BIGGEST LEADERS IN THE WORLD,
AND I HEAR ABOUT THE WORD “IMPEACHMENT.” I SAID, “WHAT DID I DO NOW?”
>>Stephen: WELL, IT’S GOOD TO KNOW–
( LAUGHTER )
IT’S GOOD TO KNOW EVEN YOU CAN’T
KEEP TRACK OF YOUR CRIMES. BUT–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHY– WAY AHEAD OF ME. WAY AHEAD OF ME. WAY AHEAD OF ME. BUT HERE’S MY PROBLEM, HERE’S MY
PROBLEM WITH WHAT HE JUST SAID– WHY DID YOU GET THREE DAYS OF
PEACE? THAT’S NOT FAIR. I HAVEN’T HAD A GOOD NIGHT’S
SLEEP SINCE YOU WERE ELECTED! NOW TRUMP– IS THIS THE SAME
THING. IN THE SAME PRESS CONFERENCE,
TRUMP CAME DOWN HARD ON NANCY PELOSI FOR SUBPOENAING TRUMP’S
STAFF.>>NANCY PELOSI HANDS OUT
SUBPOENAS LIKE– YOU KNOW, SHE HAS TO APPROVE IT. SHE HANDS OUT SUBPOENAS LIKE
THEY’RE COOKIES. YOU WANT A SUBPOENA? HERE YOU GO, TAKE ‘EM. LIKE THEY’RE COOKIES.>>Stephen: YES. THEY ARE LIKE COOKIES, BECAUSE
THAT’S THE WAY YOUR PRESIDENCY CRUMBLES.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪>>Jon: THAT’S A CRUMBLE UP.>>Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE. IT’S UNBELIEVABLE. THEN THINGS GOT EXTRA SPICY WHEN
A REPORTER DARED TO DO HIS JOB.>>Reporter: THE QUESTION, SIR,
WAS WHAT DID YOU WANT PRESIDENT ZELENSKY TO DO ABOUT VICE
PRESIDENT BIDEN AND HIS SON HUNTER?>>ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: WOW. WOW! YEAH. YEAH. UH-HUH. UH-HUH. LOOKS LIKE THAT WAS– THAT IS–
LOOK LIKE THAT REPORTER CAUGHT PRESIDENT TRAVIS BICKLE BY
SURPRISE. (AS TRUMP)
“ARE YOU TALKING TO ME? ARE YOU TALKING TO ME? WELL, I’M THE ONLY ONE BEING
IMPEACHED, SO YOU MUST BE TALKING TO ME.” WOW. THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD, PRETTY
GOOD “TAXI DRIVER.” CAN WE GET ROBERT DE NIRO’S
REVIEW OF TRUMP’S PERFORMANCE?>>( BLEEP) HIM. ( BLEEP ).( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Jon: WHOA! WOOO! ROBBIE “D.” ♪ OH, ROBBIE “B” ♪
>>Stephen: BOBBY D. THANK YOU, TOUGH GAY. ANYWAY, TRUMP WAS REFUSING TO
ANSWER A QUESTION.>>ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?>>YEAH. IT WAS A FOLLOW-UP OF WHAT I
JUST ASKED YOU, SIR.>>ARE YOU READY? WE HAVE THE PRESIDENT OF
FINLAND. ASK HIM A QUESTION.>>I HAVE ONE FOR HIM. I JUST WANTED TO FOLLOW UP ON
WHAT I ASKED YOU.>>DID YOU HEAR ME? DID YOU HEAR ME?>>DI.>>I’VE GIVEN YOU A LONG ANSWER. ASK THIS GENTLEMAN A QUESTION. DON’T BE RUDE.>>NO, SIR. I DON’T WANT TO BE RUDE. I JUST WANTED YOU TO HAVE THE
CHANCE TO ANSWER THE QUESTION I ASKED.>>I’VE ANSWERED EVERYTHING. ASK THE PRESIDENT OF FINLAND A
QUESTION, PLEASE.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“AND HERE’S THE QUESTION: GOT ANY DIRT ON JOE BIDEN?”
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ANYTHING? A LITTLE SOMETHING-SOMETHING? NO?”
EARLIER TODAY, NANCY PELOSI AND ADAM SCHIFF HELD THEIR OWN PRESS
CONFERENCE, AND THE SPEAKER REMINDED US THAT THIS
IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY IS ABOUT THE CONSTITUTION.>>WE JUST HAVE TO LOOK AT THE
FACTS AND THE CONSTITUTION. ANY OTHER OBJECTIONS PEOPLE MAY
HAVE TO THE PRESIDENT HAVE NO PLACE IN THIS DISCUSSION IN
TERMS OF IS HE TOO COWARDLY TO PROTECT CHILDREN FROM GUN
VIOLENCE? IS HE TOO CRUEL TO PROTECT
DREAMERS? IS HE TOO IN DENIAL TO
UNDERSTAND CLIMATE CHANGE? THE LIST GOES ON.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: OKAY. OKAY.>>Jon: WOOO!>>Stephen: I SEE–
I SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING THERE, MADAME SPEAKER. (AS PELOSI)
“THIS INQUIRY IS ABOUT THE CONSTITUTION. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE
FACT THAT THE PRESIDENT DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO WORK AN UMBRELLA OR
THAT HE GOT HIS HAIR FROM A PET CEMETERY, OR THAT HE’S SO DUMB
THAT HE THINKS THAT CHECKS AND BALANCES ARE BREAKFAST CEREALS!”
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THE PRESIDENT WAS CLEARLY WATCHING THEIR PRESS CONFERENCE,
AND HE DID NOT LIKE WHAT HE SAW. SO HE ISSUED A RARE PRESIDENTIAL
SWEAR-WORD TWEET: “THE DO NOTHING DEMOCRATS SHOULD
BE FOCUSED ON BUILDING UP OUR COUNTRY, NOT WASTING EVERYONE’S
TIME AND ENERGY ON (BLEEP), WHICH IS WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN
DOING EVER SINCE I GOT OVERWHELMINGLY ELECTED IN
2016, 223-306. GET A BETTER CANDIDATE THIS
TIME. YOU’LL NEED IT!”
WOW, USING THE POTTY-TALK. OKAY, GRANDPA, DON’T GET YOUR
BLANK STRAP IN A BUNCH.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. RAMI MALEK IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, WALL
‘GATORS! WALL ‘GATORS!

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